If he backs out.. my plans are to stay focused on myself completely. And work towards moving out as soon as possible.
If he does follow through with his plans tomorrow - there is a mandatory blackout period until he is off level 1.0. No contact with the outside with the exception of meetings. That should last 4 to 8 weeks depending on his progress.
I have flip flopped a bit. I was very set on no contact once he left. Yesterday he sent the "i don't want this to end. You are rock email." I did consider not answering it.. but ended up writing the below-
"I appreciate what you have written. I am sure that it wasn't easy to do.
I personally do not think now is the time for any talk of a relationship between us. I know for me it is not the right time and i can not say when will be the right time. I say that knowing you may move on to other relationships, and i am ok with that.
I have things and myself that i need to work on and work thru. I do not want to complicate my work with our relationship. I have kids and a home that i have to take care of on top of myself, at this time that is all i choose to handle.
I will remain a good friend or a close friend or a best friend or a kindred spirit for you. The depth of our friendship is whatever we are both comfortable with, and I offer any support that you need and request of me. I trust that you have a strong support system of friends and family and that system will grow with time.
I understand the path you are taking is scarey and heartwrenching. Going into an unknown and leaving your son isnt going to be easy. I will do what i am able to do in making it a smooth transition.
I apologize for any and all actions or words that have caused you harm. They were not done in hate... but in fear and sadness.
My prayer for you is to find it in yourself to surrender and allow the true Christopher to emerge. THE CHRISTOPHER that has heen hiding for so long in the shadows of a demon.
MY FEAR is you will end up like the movie... when Christopher finally woke up and realized he wanted to go home, it was too late and he died alone and cold in a bus in the middle of Alaska with poison running through his veins."
I dont know if what i wrote was the best i rewrote it many times. I considered not sending it.
I focused on my recovery and not his.
Now i think no contact is the best for me. The anger and rage is starting. I made a big mistake. Ugg i detest my soft codependent heart right now.
A learning experience.
As of now... i am going no contact with the exception of emails regarding our son or other important matters. What the future holds I dont know and i dont need to know. I just.know what i can and can not do today.
CARRIE
The Belle Of The Ball