what i am in control of today

Old 01-01-2013, 08:58 AM
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what i am in control of today

I have began the process of realizing what i am in control of.

I found myself staring at the clock today thinking "it is noon. Less than 24 hours before he leaves and all he has done is washed clothes and then hung them back up in the closet, and that was yesterday. I dont understand how he is sleeping right now. Why isn't he packing?"

I had a small struggle with wanting to wake him up roughly and yell "get to packing."

But then i realized i am not in control of that. I am not in control of any of it. I am not even in control if him packing nice nice clothes to go to a place inhabitated by homeless people. I am not in control of making sure he is up before noon. I am not in control of where or when he goes. I am not in control of his actions that only allow him to eat, sleep, and leave the house.

I am in control of me, my words, and my actions. I think that is more than enough for me to handle.

But even then God may have other plans for me. And I am just fine with that.

The Belle Of The Ball
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Old 01-01-2013, 09:13 AM
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Less then 24 hrs until he is gone. Hang in there!! Do you have plans if he backs out in the last hour?

What are your plans for when he is gone? Contact? No contact? Moving on? or Hoping he will come back new and improved??

What are you going do to for YOU.....to reach the goal of being the Belle of the Ball??
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Old 01-01-2013, 10:51 AM
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If he backs out.. my plans are to stay focused on myself completely. And work towards moving out as soon as possible.

If he does follow through with his plans tomorrow - there is a mandatory blackout period until he is off level 1.0. No contact with the outside with the exception of meetings. That should last 4 to 8 weeks depending on his progress.

I have flip flopped a bit. I was very set on no contact once he left. Yesterday he sent the "i don't want this to end. You are rock email." I did consider not answering it.. but ended up writing the below-

"I appreciate what you have written. I am sure that it wasn't easy to do.

I personally do not think now is the time for any talk of a relationship between us. I know for me it is not the right time and i can not say when will be the right time. I say that knowing you may move on to other relationships, and i am ok with that.

I have things and myself that i need to work on and work thru. I do not want to complicate my work with our relationship. I have kids and a home that i have to take care of on top of myself, at this time that is all i choose to handle.

I will remain a good friend or a close friend or a best friend or a kindred spirit for you. The depth of our friendship is whatever we are both comfortable with, and I offer any support that you need and request of me. I trust that you have a strong support system of friends and family and that system will grow with time.

I understand the path you are taking is scarey and heartwrenching. Going into an unknown and leaving your son isnt going to be easy. I will do what i am able to do in making it a smooth transition.

I apologize for any and all actions or words that have caused you harm. They were not done in hate... but in fear and sadness.

My prayer for you is to find it in yourself to surrender and allow the true Christopher to emerge. THE CHRISTOPHER that has heen hiding for so long in the shadows of a demon.

MY FEAR is you will end up like the movie... when Christopher finally woke up and realized he wanted to go home, it was too late and he died alone and cold in a bus in the middle of Alaska with poison running through his veins."

I dont know if what i wrote was the best i rewrote it many times. I considered not sending it.
I focused on my recovery and not his.

Now i think no contact is the best for me. The anger and rage is starting. I made a big mistake. Ugg i detest my soft codependent heart right now.

A learning experience.

As of now... i am going no contact with the exception of emails regarding our son or other important matters. What the future holds I dont know and i dont need to know. I just.know what i can and can not do today.

CARRIE

The Belle Of The Ball
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Old 01-01-2013, 11:10 AM
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I was where you are at a little over a month ago. My son was scheduled to go into a long term rehab. When the morning came, I told myself. I will not wake him up. I will not ask questions like "are you packed" or " are you ready to go". I left it up to my son and his HP. I just knew that if he didn't go, I was going to drop him off at a men's shelter and say goodbye.

I went about my morning and was pleasantly surprised to see him getting ready. I was pleasantly surprised to see his bag packed and by the door. And I was pleasantly surprised that he said "I'm ready to go now." I knew that I wasn't going to take him up there if I had to do even one smidgen of convincing or cajoling. Luckily, I didn't have to. As always, actions spoke far louder than words......it's just, in the past, I wanted so desperately to hear specific words that I would overlook the actions.

Hang in there. Time will reveal more. It always does.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-01-2013, 11:40 AM
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I need advice....

Part of AO's anger today came out when he asked me about him calling home to talk to our son. He said i was going to be very difficult about it. Talking didnt go well. He would not accept that i would NOT come between him and his son talking.

So i wrote it out to him... saying if he called and i didnt answer it was because i was busy. I wrote that.once the blackout period is over to please email me if possible and i will let him know a good schedule to call. I ended with to feel free to call anytime.

That sent him into a rant. I was making him jump thru hoops. I was fat - not sure what that had to do with anything. I ignored all this.

Well it comes out his sponser is going to let him make calls home to his son even during the blackout period. Said his sponser is a director of the program and he.is getting special permission cause.most.dont have.families. my gut does not believe this. They are clear in their rules. And he is not a director. His sponser drives the men to the daily meetings.... my feeling is he will sneek calls in during the drives to and from.

There is my problem. The program is his to work since it is his. But do i allow him to break the rules? I dont want to stop it based on control. But do i have to allow it. It takes a few second call to confirm.

How would you handle this.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball
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