I guess I have really been beating myself up over all of this and that is a huge obstacle to recovery. I realize that others feel the same here at different points throughout recovery and I just thought I had become immune to him. I guess we can all slip and fall at any time really. I am naturally vulnerable and sensitive so getting involved with someone like him is bound to bring out my weaknesses. Giving love to a black hole- I think I have done a lot of that over the years.
I am also a perfectionist. Recovering perfectionist that is. It's how I got through life. As a perfectionist both personally and professionally. And he was the opposite. Maybe his reckless nature is what attracted me. It was different. He brought out a side of me I did not know existed and/or denied. I went through life with such control and with him I gave it all up.
But he eventually could not pretend anymore. And now he really can't hide who he is. That is making it easier to get over the fantasy. I feel he takes pleasure in putting me on a pedestal and watching me fall down usually through some form of cruelty, humiliation, and abandonment. I know, sounds like a real charmer huh? And in turn, dare I say for the sake of healing, that maybe I started to take pleasure in the cycle as well. Yep, I did to be perfectly honest. This is how I learned to love.
I am amazed how quickly he can go from hot to cold and to the extreme. This is what addicts do. I think he does not care anymore because he has been rewarded for this kind of behavior in the past. I am not sure why I place so much weight on what he thinks of me. Maybe I have lost too much self-respect in the process of being beaten down and continually beating myself up. I literally have friends telling me that I can have anything I want in life and that I am this and that. People tell me you can have any man you want and why waste your time on him.
That all sounds wonderful but I don't think that is what this is about. I think this is about me and my cycle and its not about him. I am attracted to a jerk, its that simple. I don't mean to be mean and I could say a lot worse. I did not say that I love him or that I am in love with him. I think that is a disservice to the reality. Its addiction. Its codependency. Its chemistry. Its parasitic. Its me happily offering myself to a blood sucking vampire repeatedly and willingly. I know I should not take his inventory but even on a practical level, what he does for a living, who he is involved with, and his lifestyle could put my health, safety, livelihood, sanity, serenity and future in jeopardy. The good moments just have to stop being worth all of the pain and heartbreak. I gotta stop punishing myself. It either stops or I lose myself again.
Happy New Years Eve. I pray 2013 brings much to be celebrated. We all deserve it.