Hi Journey, sorry your dealing with their denial and their issues. Im more sorry for the effects the chaos and heartache it has on your kids. I know first had the anger and disappointment a addicted father brings into the lifes of our children.
You have the feelings of anger that are perfectly normal in my opinion, now what? Feel them and let them go. It is so frustrating to have parents that support, enable the addict. But we can't change them or him. We can only change what we can. Us! Our choices and situations. We have the duty as mothers to do what we think is best for our children to protect them even if its from grandparents, fathers etc... sad as it is we have do do what is best for the greatest number. My suggestion is to examine your motives and really dig deep inside yourself before you do anything. There is no right or wrong. You do what you feel is the best for you and your children.
I always told my kids to let go of the anger and bitterness towards their father cause it will only destroy them. Its okay to hurt feel sad, mad but then let it go. I took my kids to alateen. I share with them what I have learned about addiction. Their father is sick and so are the people effected by his disease. Inthis sickness we often times want to blame or unleash our anger, pain, frustration on someone, something. That's why its important for me to go to meetings to help me put it into perspective and to release some of my frustrations in an environment that's safe and where I wont say and do something I will have to make ammends for.
You don't have to make a decision right this second. Take some time to pray about it and process the feelings you have. Say the serenity prayer and wait until your less emotional. For me seeing my kids hurt is the worst feeling in the world. My momma bear instincts kick in! Deep down their grand parents love their grandchildren. They are only doing what they know to do. Not an excuse, just it is what it is. They like us, they are doing the best they can.
Our, my hopes of getting with my ex always over shadowed my decisions. I had to really look at the situation for what it was and not what I hoped. Asking for Gods will for my life and letting go of my will! (Really hard for me). I wanted my family and still do. I want my kids dad here for them, still do. Now reality is he is not changed. He still has self seeking behaviors, does not call his kids. Only calls his family when he wants or needs something. Until those things change their is no "us". Its so hard to let go and let God on this. But little by little, step by step, asking for Gods will for my life and the power to carry that out, it gets a little eaiser to accept what is.
Your a good mother and a good person and will figure it out. Keep the focus on you and what's best for them. Your their mom if you don't know who does?! It may not seem right or "normal" but nothing is when your dealing with the chaos and effects of addiction. Going to meetings you will hear shared experiences that you may try in your life, or you may have ideas inspired by what you hear to apply in your life.
Live and let live journey. Be mindful of your expetations of others. They lead to resentments and resenments hurt us. We can't expect sick people to be and act healthy! Keep working on you and getting your thinking and spirit and emotions healthy! You are stronger than you think. You are doing things to take care of you. Be good to yourself and take some time to enjoy you and your kids relationships. Nurture that! Focus on peace and serenity in your home and life. Bask in the good things you have. Just for today!