Thanks for taking my note as intended.
I get the desire to see remorse and hear the apology. What I gave come to realize is that they hurt themselves worse than they hurt us AND we get to be the good guy while they are 'guilty'.
My wife drank four times while pregnant. He seems fine and a little ahead of schedule but when my wife dropped her shields and explained how knowing he might be harmed tortures her I couldn't be angry any longer.
So here's my theory, please note that I am hammered on hydrocodone post surgery as I type;-)
I believe addiction is a disease
I hate what it has done to us and to everyone reading this.
I love my wife completely. I will not tolerate her drinking because I won't watch her die and my son will not grow up around an actively using addict. 366 days ago I kicked her out for a month. She drank four times this past year, the prior year she went to the ER several times and almost died trying to detox on her own - alcohol withdrawal will kill you if you don't get medical support.
When she got pregnant two months later I had a tough decision to make and I made it - I'm all in but only if she works recovery.
I've changed a lot. I realized that she and I have some very similar wounds, she used alcohol, I used achievement in school, sports and career to sel medicate. It's a hard tightrope walk between unconditional love and enablement but I think we are doing very well. She knows that if she chooses the booze then she loses us and she loves her home and family.
Here's the part I hope you think over, maybe it will help you.
I knew what I was getting into, I chose my path. I am not a victim.
I want us to do some foundation repair. There are ten reasons we should fail but we are both survivors and determined.
I realized that every day she "ruined" was ruined for her too, PLUS, the guilt.
So I would never tell you or anyone else to stay or go, but if we stay then we have responsibility for that choice. Guilt and shame are two big reasons why addicts use. For my wife to recover she has to be healthy and my partner, not a lesser person.
I started working the steps on my own... 2-12 have nothing to do with alcohol, they are all about being our best self, free of guilt, anger, resentment.... Healthy minds don't seek escape.
When I started apologizing for my own **** she let her walls down and it gets better all the time. She has to solve her addiction but we can help each other with our pasts - and we do.
So here's the unfair part: if you ride the roller coaster with a drunk and go through all kinds of hell it's normal to want to let them know about it, right? Lol, now that you are sober, let me tell u all about the crap u did to me!
....but, we can't cure them but we can make it easier or harder. Guilt is no fun at ALL.
I forgave my wife for every wrong and asked her forgiveness for my own failings. I haven't said its "ok" because it is not. But I need her to forgive herself and let it all go. The past is either instructive or destructive, I had to et go in order to be sane and happy. I believe that if we give someone another chance then we have to meet them where they are and focus on where we're going. I don't ignore the past, I just don't beat her with it. I trust but I verify. I'm optimistic but realize she might relapse any time. I can only control me, right now..l so I'm working in that,. I thank my wife every day for the things she does that I appreciate. I've learned to set boundaries for myself... And none if this is perfect but all of it is getting better.
So we are through year one, it was not perfect but was light years ahead of the prior year.
We are making progress individually. We are making progress as a couple. My wife has amazed me with her selfless devotion to our son. This week the tables are turned - she is doing everything with the baby and waiting on me - took an hour to get from couch to toilet yesterday due to my surgery and lol, I am high as a kite (legally)
A year ago it looked bleak, we've both grown since then and we are headed the right way. I don't need her to feel bad, I need her to keep her head up and be proud of all we've come thru. Guilt and shame would slow that down for both of us.
Lack of coherence is my fault, I chose to take hydrocodone and flexiril today... My poor wife is caring for an intoxicated person lol. Two surgeries is probably a good excuse