a letter to someone going to rehab.. NEED FEEDBACK

Old 12-29-2012, 05:47 PM
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a letter to someone going to rehab.. NEED FEEDBACK

THIS IS A LETTER I HAVE WRITTEN IN HOPES MY EX WILL END UP IN REHAB. IF HE DOESNT HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE IT. obviously i am pretty hopefull. names have been changed. i need advice on if this would be okay to give to him because i want my feelings heard or is it just selfish t want him to hear these thing and will it just make hin feel worst?



John-

If you are reading this now it means you have checked yourself into a rehab and are hopefully on your way to recovery. On your way to getting yourself back and mending your relationship with your son.
So much has happened and all so fast... I think I am still in shock. The pain that you have caused me is unreal. I feel like you died because of how utterly different you had become. I don't know how much time ha passed but as I write this I am hoping you sought help sooner than later. Drugs turned you into a monster. I still can't believe some of the things you did to me. The worst and most hurtful by far is the thought of you listening to that recording of me and laughing. How could you think my pain was funny?

I have been doing a lot of research on addicts and being in a relationship with one and the stuff I have found has taught me a lot. First that you can't have a relationship with a using addict. I know that you are angry with me and that you blame me for the choices you made. But it doesn't matter how I reacted to your drug use or how I handled things. The fault will always lie with you because you were the one who did drugs. Who continued to lie and tried to manipulate everyone around you to your benefit. So that you could pursue the only relationsip that was important to you, your relationship with drugs. There is nothing I could have said or done differently that would have changed your actions.

The things I have read have also taught me that all addicts are liars and their all pretty good at it too. Because apart of them believes what they are saying or can justify why they are saying it. I understand now that you do have a disease. I know I didn't believe you before. After seeing yuo flip the switch on your personalty like that I know now you must be sick. But I am not a docotor. Alanon says all I can do is take care of myself and better myself. The the forgiveness, sympathy and love I was trying to show you only validated that it was okay for you to use drugs.

I have also learned that I may suffer from co-dependency issues which is why it has been so hard for to accept the end of us even though I know us together is only pain. It made me feel so desperate to think that we would never hold eachother again or that we would never be able to go back to the way things were. So i clung on with all that I had to the point of making myself physically ill. I have been in serious denial and honestly part of me still is. But between your addiction an dmy co-dependency we are a recipe for disaster.

I do know that at one point of our relationship there was real love. That we concieved Jayden in love. But sometimes love sadly isn't enough. I know now that it wasn't a matter between choosing your family or choosing drugs. It was just a matter of choosing to do drugs or to not do them. And in that equation jayden and I never entered your mind. For me it wasn't so much the drug use but the excessive lies and broken promises that brought me to my breaking point. I don't think there is any amount of apologies that could ever fix the damage that was done to our relationship. I'm not sure we could ever have that love that we had started out with. So for now I am letting go of the notion of "John & Kate" and "soulmates". But I will ALWAYS care about you and will always be routing for you to recover. For yourself and for our son.

I wish you the best with your recovery. Although we are no longer together I will still be here for you throught your journey. Good luck John! I know you are capable of being an amazing father. See you soon.

-kate-
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:58 PM
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I think its a great letter for the both of you. Good luck!
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:59 PM
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all of your feelings are valid. I'm not sure if the timing is right to hit him with all of this if you really want him to be sober, though. Maybe run it by your Alanon sponsor?

keep taking care of yourself....living with a junkie really leaves a mark on a person.
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Old 12-29-2012, 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by coraltint View Post
all of your feelings are valid. I'm not sure if the timing is right to hit him with all of this if you really want him to be sober, though. Maybe run it by your Alanon sponsor?

keep taking care of yourself....living with a junkie really leaves a mark on a person.
? Dont they have sessions in rehab specifically for this?
Where the families open up about their drug/alcohol use?
If so perhapse when that time has happened that is the best to say all of this? While in rehab?
If not I dont know when a good time will be after that since recovery in the real world could take as long as a yr or more.
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Old 12-29-2012, 08:31 PM
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You could change those names over and over again....your letter speaks a universal truth to families of alcoholics.
Is he in an inpatient program? If yes, talk with his counselor about the best time to present this. There are often family groups, or small patient groups, when this letter would be appropriate. Would give him a chance to process. If he's out patient, they don't always have small groups, so I would talk with whomever is running the program.

Your letter is valid. You just want to be sure to present it when he is most ready to hear it. Seek the advise of those professionals who are helping him recover.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:10 PM
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thanks. sadly he is not in any program yet. he has insisted this entire week that he going to try and get into a rehab but i suppose actions speak louder than words. i still am hoping that he will do it. i dont know how much more it would take. i guess as much as im hoping i get the chance to read this to him when he is in recovery i also wrote it for myself... to help cope. i want so badly to think that he will become himself again one day but right now he is still that monster. i recently disconnected my phone and am no longer in contact with him.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:16 PM
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Then take this letter and put it in a safe place. You may get to read it to him someday. But if he is not actively working on a recovery plan, he is not ready to hear it. You have already figured that out. Getting it out on paper is like journaling, it helps you release it.
Do what is best for you. We get so caught up in trying to help the A, that we forget to take care of ourselves. I made myself crazy trying to help mine. Didn't think about my heartburn, headaches, insomnia, fatigue, short temper. "Addicted to the Addicted"...that was me.
Focus on your own journey in 2013. That's the only thing you have control over.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:21 PM
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do you think there is a better chance of someone pulling themselves out of the addiction if they have done it before?
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:31 PM
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I have to agree with recovering2. My AW was in multiple rehabs and I had long talks with her that were very much like your letter. They are either ignored or became something that she could throw back in my face later. The purpose they did serve was for me to get my feelings out in the open. They may have meant nothing to her but they were a stepping stone for me to begin my recovery.

I remember what a hard time this was when I was where you are now and I want you to know that there is hope because I and others on this site have made huge strides in getting our lives back, to be able to regain our sanity and even find happiness again. I wish the same for you.

Your friend,
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Old 12-29-2012, 10:48 PM
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Originally Posted by kvqdjmw View Post
THIS IS A LETTER I HAVE WRITTEN IN HOPES MY EX WILL END UP IN REHAB. IF HE DOESNT HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE IT. obviously i am pretty hopefull. names have been changed. i need advice on if this would be okay to give to him because i want my feelings heard or is it just selfish t want him to hear these thing and will it just make hin feel worst?
If you file this in a drawer it's venting and healing. If you hand that to another human being as they enter rehab then my question would be whether you want them to hurt or be tortured? I think it is self indulgent and cruel - fine for the drawer but not for a person. Some will angrily refute that and say that alcoholics get what they deserve so why not let them take abuse... I made some comments, take what you like and leave the rest.



John-

If you are reading this now it means you have checked yourself into a rehab and are hopefully on your way to recovery. On your way to getting yourself back and mending your relationship with your son.
Fine so far
So much has happened and all so fast... I think I am still in shock. The pain that you have caused me is unreal. I feel like you died because of how utterly different you had become. I don't know how much time ha passed but as I write this I am hoping you sought help sooner than later. Drugs turned you into a monster. I still can't believe some of the things you did to me. The worst and most hurtful by far is the thought of you listening to that recording of me and laughing. How could you think my pain was funny?
Harsh but from the heart and that laughing at your pain part is chilling, I've been there and it hurts, sorry you went through that
I have been doing a lot of research on addicts and being in a relationship with one and the stuff I have found has taught me a lot. First that you can't have a relationship with a using addict. I know that you are angry with me and that you blame me for the choices you made. But it doesn't matter how I reacted to your drug use or how I handled things. The fault will always lie with you because you were the one who did drugs. Who continued to lie and tried to manipulate everyone around you to your benefit. So that you could pursue the only relationsip that was important to you, your relationship with drugs. There is nothing I could have said or done differently that would have changed your actions.
You do not know if he is angry and blaming you as he reads this.
To say that the fault lies entirely with him for eternity is just not rational. He owns his mistakes, you own yours.
Then you go on to read his mind again to say that the only thing that mattered to him was drugs.

So maybe you will get angry at this but maybe you will think it over. ...
When you assign motives or thoughts or feelings to another person in a way that makes them the bad guy you are engaging in verbal abuse. I am not saying he ilacks culpability but in this one paragraph you've defined the rules so that he must be at fault forever, you are blameless and he cares about nothing. That is brutal.
You are dead on that nothing you could do would change his addiction

The things I have read have also taught me that all addicts are liars and their all pretty good at it too. Because apart of them believes what they are saying or can justify why they are saying it. I understand now that you do have a disease. I know I didn't believe you before. After seeing yuo flip the switch on your personalty like that I know now you must be sick. But I am not a docotor.
You are not a doctor but you got that scalpel in there calling him sick

Alanon says all I can do is take care of myself and better myself. The the forgiveness, sympathy and love I was trying to show you only validated that it was okay for you to use drugs.
Al anon did not teach that you are blameless or that shaming and blaming an addict entering recovery is helpful. Forgiveness, sympathy and love are not wrong, allowing yourself to enable is.
I have also learned that I may suffer from co-dependency issues which is why it has been so hard for to accept the end of us even though I know us together is only pain. It made me feel so desperate to think that we would never hold eachother again or that we would never be able to go back to the way things were. So i clung on with all that I had to the point of making myself physically ill. I have been in serious denial and honestly part of me still is. But between your addiction an dmy co-dependency we are a recipe for disaster.
Lots of absolutes here, never... Only pain...
I do know that at one point of our relationship there was real love. That we concieved Jayden in love. But sometimes love sadly isn't enough. I know now that it wasn't a matter between choosing your family or choosing drugs. It was just a matter of choosing to do drugs or to not do them. And in that equation jayden and I never entered your mind.
Mind reading. You don't know what entered his mind so you assign worse case and hence he is wrong and should be ashamed.
For me it wasn't so much the drug use but the excessive lies and broken promises that brought me to my breaking point. I don't think there is any amount of apologies that could ever fix the damage that was done to our relationship. I'm not sure we could ever have that love that we had started out with. So for now I am letting go of the notion of "John & Kate" and "soulmates". But I will ALWAYS care about you and will always be routing for you to recover. For yourself and for our son.
I don't presume to know whether you two will heal together, apart or not at all. If you read your note, he is completely to blame, doesn't care about anyone...
He's in a box - on the one hand he has an illness but then it doesn't matter because as the addict it will always be his fault?

I wish you the best with your recovery. Although we are no longer together I will still be here for you throught your journey. Good luck John! I know you are capable of being an amazing father. See you soon.

-kate-
nice ending to your note but what do you hope to achieve here? If he gets serious about recovery then having guilt and blame dumped on his head can only hurt, not help.

Please understand that I don't think that you are cruel and manipulative, I think this note is - it is self indulgent and good to get out but to hammer him with this? I've felt many of the same emotions as have most people here. If we agree that addicts behave badly due to their illness, what is our excuse?

The addicts we love are human beings. They don't want to be addicts and they can hurt others so badly when using. I don't suggest ignoring the wrongs they do but to define them as the addict - who cheats, lies, who loves their drug more than us.. How can that person become whole again?

I've heard people say that the addict deserves what they get and I disagree. Yes, they should be held accountable and responsible but nobody deserves the misery they inflict upon themselves or others. Those who have never had a drink or tried a drug can judge that the addict is to blame - those of us who drink or did drink are just lucky, not better or worse
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Old 12-29-2012, 11:09 PM
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that does help and i think i did just need to write it for myself for the most part. but i guess inside me i am just so angry i want him to know how seriously he hurt me. but i understand exactly what your saying. an dyour right this wouldnt help him and would most likely just make him feel hopeless. like i said he hasnt even entered a rehab or anything yet but i am still praying he will. for me its strange because before i turned off my cellphone he would jiust keep telling me how badly he wanted to get better how badly he wanted to go to rehab but then he just wouldnt do anyth8ng about and would just keep disappearing and ignoring my phone calls. even after i tried to be supportive and forgiving. do you think that because he says he wants help and recognizes that he has a problem that he is likely to eventually do what needs to be done? i want to believe he will so badly but at this point for me i dont want him to tell me i want him to show me.
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Old 12-30-2012, 12:15 AM
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Thanks for taking my note as intended.

I get the desire to see remorse and hear the apology. What I gave come to realize is that they hurt themselves worse than they hurt us AND we get to be the good guy while they are 'guilty'.

My wife drank four times while pregnant. He seems fine and a little ahead of schedule but when my wife dropped her shields and explained how knowing he might be harmed tortures her I couldn't be angry any longer.

So here's my theory, please note that I am hammered on hydrocodone post surgery as I type;-)

I believe addiction is a disease
I hate what it has done to us and to everyone reading this.
I love my wife completely. I will not tolerate her drinking because I won't watch her die and my son will not grow up around an actively using addict. 366 days ago I kicked her out for a month. She drank four times this past year, the prior year she went to the ER several times and almost died trying to detox on her own - alcohol withdrawal will kill you if you don't get medical support.

When she got pregnant two months later I had a tough decision to make and I made it - I'm all in but only if she works recovery.

I've changed a lot. I realized that she and I have some very similar wounds, she used alcohol, I used achievement in school, sports and career to sel medicate. It's a hard tightrope walk between unconditional love and enablement but I think we are doing very well. She knows that if she chooses the booze then she loses us and she loves her home and family.

Here's the part I hope you think over, maybe it will help you.

I knew what I was getting into, I chose my path. I am not a victim.
I want us to do some foundation repair. There are ten reasons we should fail but we are both survivors and determined.

I realized that every day she "ruined" was ruined for her too, PLUS, the guilt.

So I would never tell you or anyone else to stay or go, but if we stay then we have responsibility for that choice. Guilt and shame are two big reasons why addicts use. For my wife to recover she has to be healthy and my partner, not a lesser person.

I started working the steps on my own... 2-12 have nothing to do with alcohol, they are all about being our best self, free of guilt, anger, resentment.... Healthy minds don't seek escape.

When I started apologizing for my own **** she let her walls down and it gets better all the time. She has to solve her addiction but we can help each other with our pasts - and we do.

So here's the unfair part: if you ride the roller coaster with a drunk and go through all kinds of hell it's normal to want to let them know about it, right? Lol, now that you are sober, let me tell u all about the crap u did to me!

....but, we can't cure them but we can make it easier or harder. Guilt is no fun at ALL.

I forgave my wife for every wrong and asked her forgiveness for my own failings. I haven't said its "ok" because it is not. But I need her to forgive herself and let it all go. The past is either instructive or destructive, I had to et go in order to be sane and happy. I believe that if we give someone another chance then we have to meet them where they are and focus on where we're going. I don't ignore the past, I just don't beat her with it. I trust but I verify. I'm optimistic but realize she might relapse any time. I can only control me, right now..l so I'm working in that,. I thank my wife every day for the things she does that I appreciate. I've learned to set boundaries for myself... And none if this is perfect but all of it is getting better.

So we are through year one, it was not perfect but was light years ahead of the prior year.

We are making progress individually. We are making progress as a couple. My wife has amazed me with her selfless devotion to our son. This week the tables are turned - she is doing everything with the baby and waiting on me - took an hour to get from couch to toilet yesterday due to my surgery and lol, I am high as a kite (legally)

A year ago it looked bleak, we've both grown since then and we are headed the right way. I don't need her to feel bad, I need her to keep her head up and be proud of all we've come thru. Guilt and shame would slow that down for both of us.

Lack of coherence is my fault, I chose to take hydrocodone and flexiril today... My poor wife is caring for an intoxicated person lol. Two surgeries is probably a good excuse
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Old 12-30-2012, 12:19 AM
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I soooooo babble when on drugs.... Can't believe people take this crap for kicks
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Old 12-30-2012, 05:16 AM
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Originally Posted by kvqdjmw View Post
do you think that because he says he wants help and recognizes that he has a problem that he is likely to eventually do what needs to be done? i want to believe he will so badly but at this point for me i dont want him to tell me i want him to show me.
KVQ - I believe that someone who really wants help and recognizes they have a problem is more likely to do it.

I also know that the A can say things they don't mean - Its a term called QUACKING and you will see it used on the forum often.

Actions speak louder than words - until he has gone for help then its just words.

For me lowering my expectations to nothing was critical as the bursting of my bubble was too painful every other day, or every 3 days, or however long it took (which wasn't long when RAH was relapsing). When I accepted and expected the worst I was able to detach and work on myself, focus on myself and leave him to his own devices without guilt or worry.
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Old 12-30-2012, 07:21 AM
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Dear kvq, I have a suggestion in reference to the letter itself.

How about changing every sentence which says "you" to an "I" sentence. This way, you are only describing how you feel (have felt). I believe that you do have a right to your own feelings and to express them. In fact, I believe that it is necessary, because keeping it bottled up will make us ill. (how, when and where is another story, of course).

I say, just think about what you want to do with the letter. I believe the letter is more for you, anyway. And, I think this is o.k.-- because taking care of yourself is what is going to help you toward healing.

I could have written many parts of that letter, myself.

sincerely, dandylion
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