Originally Posted by
kvqdjmw 
THIS IS A LETTER I HAVE WRITTEN IN HOPES MY EX WILL END UP IN REHAB. IF HE DOESNT HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE IT. obviously i am pretty hopefull. names have been changed. i need advice on if this would be okay to give to him because i want my feelings heard or is it just selfish t want him to hear these thing and will it just make hin feel worst?
If you file this in a drawer it's venting and healing. If you hand that to another human being as they enter rehab then my question would be whether you want them to hurt or be tortured? I think it is self indulgent and cruel - fine for the drawer but not for a person. Some will angrily refute that and say that alcoholics get what they deserve so why not let them take abuse... I made some comments, take what you like and leave the rest.
John-
If you are reading this now it means you have checked yourself into a rehab and are hopefully on your way to recovery. On your way to getting yourself back and mending your relationship with your son.
Fine so far
So much has happened and all so fast... I think I am still in shock. The pain that you have caused me is unreal. I feel like you died because of how utterly different you had become. I don't know how much time ha passed but as I write this I am hoping you sought help sooner than later. Drugs turned you into a monster. I still can't believe some of the things you did to me. The worst and most hurtful by far is the thought of you listening to that recording of me and laughing. How could you think my pain was funny?
Harsh but from the heart and that laughing at your pain part is chilling, I've been there and it hurts, sorry you went through that
I have been doing a lot of research on addicts and being in a relationship with one and the stuff I have found has taught me a lot. First that you can't have a relationship with a using addict. I know that you are angry with me and that you blame me for the choices you made. But it doesn't matter how I reacted to your drug use or how I handled things. The fault will always lie with you because you were the one who did drugs. Who continued to lie and tried to manipulate everyone around you to your benefit. So that you could pursue the only relationsip that was important to you, your relationship with drugs. There is nothing I could have said or done differently that would have changed your actions.
You do not know if he is angry and blaming you as he reads this.
To say that the fault lies entirely with him for eternity is just not rational. He owns his mistakes, you own yours.
Then you go on to read his mind again to say that the only thing that mattered to him was drugs.
So maybe you will get angry at this but maybe you will think it over. ...
When you assign motives or thoughts or feelings to another person in a way that makes them the bad guy you are engaging in verbal abuse. I am not saying he ilacks culpability but in this one paragraph you've defined the rules so that he must be at fault forever, you are blameless and he cares about nothing. That is brutal.
You are dead on that nothing you could do would change his addiction
The things I have read have also taught me that all addicts are liars and their all pretty good at it too. Because apart of them believes what they are saying or can justify why they are saying it. I understand now that you do have a disease. I know I didn't believe you before. After seeing yuo flip the switch on your personalty like that I know now you must be sick. But I am not a docotor.
You are not a doctor but you got that scalpel in there calling him sick
Alanon says all I can do is take care of myself and better myself. The the forgiveness, sympathy and love I was trying to show you only validated that it was okay for you to use drugs.
Al anon did not teach that you are blameless or that shaming and blaming an addict entering recovery is helpful. Forgiveness, sympathy and love are not wrong, allowing yourself to enable is.
I have also learned that I may suffer from co-dependency issues which is why it has been so hard for to accept the end of us even though I know us together is only pain. It made me feel so desperate to think that we would never hold eachother again or that we would never be able to go back to the way things were. So i clung on with all that I had to the point of making myself physically ill. I have been in serious denial and honestly part of me still is. But between your addiction an dmy co-dependency we are a recipe for disaster.
Lots of absolutes here, never... Only pain...
I do know that at one point of our relationship there was real love. That we concieved Jayden in love. But sometimes love sadly isn't enough. I know now that it wasn't a matter between choosing your family or choosing drugs. It was just a matter of choosing to do drugs or to not do them. And in that equation jayden and I never entered your mind.
Mind reading. You don't know what entered his mind so you assign worse case and hence he is wrong and should be ashamed.
For me it wasn't so much the drug use but the excessive lies and broken promises that brought me to my breaking point. I don't think there is any amount of apologies that could ever fix the damage that was done to our relationship. I'm not sure we could ever have that love that we had started out with. So for now I am letting go of the notion of "John & Kate" and "soulmates". But I will ALWAYS care about you and will always be routing for you to recover. For yourself and for our son.
I don't presume to know whether you two will heal together, apart or not at all. If you read your note, he is completely to blame, doesn't care about anyone...
He's in a box - on the one hand he has an illness but then it doesn't matter because as the addict it will always be his fault?
I wish you the best with your recovery. Although we are no longer together I will still be here for you throught your journey. Good luck John! I know you are capable of being an amazing father. See you soon.
-kate-
nice ending to your note but what do you hope to achieve here? If he gets serious about recovery then having guilt and blame dumped on his head can only hurt, not help.
Please understand that I don't think that you are cruel and manipulative, I think this note is - it is self indulgent and good to get out but to hammer him with this? I've felt many of the same emotions as have most people here. If we agree that addicts behave badly due to their illness, what is our excuse?
The addicts we love are human beings. They don't want to be addicts and they can hurt others so badly when using. I don't suggest ignoring the wrongs they do but to define them as the addict - who cheats, lies, who loves their drug more than us.. How can that person become whole again?
I've heard people say that the addict deserves what they get and I disagree. Yes, they should be held accountable and responsible but nobody deserves the misery they inflict upon themselves or others. Those who have never had a drink or tried a drug can judge that the addict is to blame - those of us who drink or did drink are just lucky, not better or worse