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THIS IS A LETTER I HAVE WRITTEN IN HOPES MY EX WILL END UP IN REHAB. IF HE DOESNT HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE IT. obviously i am pretty hopefull. names have been changed. i need advice on if this would be okay to give to him because i want my feelings heard or is it just selfish t want him to hear these thing and will it just make hin feel worst?



John-

If you are reading this now it means you have checked yourself into a rehab and are hopefully on your way to recovery. On your way to getting yourself back and mending your relationship with your son.
So much has happened and all so fast... I think I am still in shock. The pain that you have caused me is unreal. I feel like you died because of how utterly different you had become. I don't know how much time ha passed but as I write this I am hoping you sought help sooner than later. Drugs turned you into a monster. I still can't believe some of the things you did to me. The worst and most hurtful by far is the thought of you listening to that recording of me and laughing. How could you think my pain was funny?

I have been doing a lot of research on addicts and being in a relationship with one and the stuff I have found has taught me a lot. First that you can't have a relationship with a using addict. I know that you are angry with me and that you blame me for the choices you made. But it doesn't matter how I reacted to your drug use or how I handled things. The fault will always lie with you because you were the one who did drugs. Who continued to lie and tried to manipulate everyone around you to your benefit. So that you could pursue the only relationsip that was important to you, your relationship with drugs. There is nothing I could have said or done differently that would have changed your actions.

The things I have read have also taught me that all addicts are liars and their all pretty good at it too. Because apart of them believes what they are saying or can justify why they are saying it. I understand now that you do have a disease. I know I didn't believe you before. After seeing yuo flip the switch on your personalty like that I know now you must be sick. But I am not a docotor. Alanon says all I can do is take care of myself and better myself. The the forgiveness, sympathy and love I was trying to show you only validated that it was okay for you to use drugs.

I have also learned that I may suffer from co-dependency issues which is why it has been so hard for to accept the end of us even though I know us together is only pain. It made me feel so desperate to think that we would never hold eachother again or that we would never be able to go back to the way things were. So i clung on with all that I had to the point of making myself physically ill. I have been in serious denial and honestly part of me still is. But between your addiction an dmy co-dependency we are a recipe for disaster.

I do know that at one point of our relationship there was real love. That we concieved Jayden in love. But sometimes love sadly isn't enough. I know now that it wasn't a matter between choosing your family or choosing drugs. It was just a matter of choosing to do drugs or to not do them. And in that equation jayden and I never entered your mind. For me it wasn't so much the drug use but the excessive lies and broken promises that brought me to my breaking point. I don't think there is any amount of apologies that could ever fix the damage that was done to our relationship. I'm not sure we could ever have that love that we had started out with. So for now I am letting go of the notion of "John & Kate" and "soulmates". But I will ALWAYS care about you and will always be routing for you to recover. For yourself and for our son.

I wish you the best with your recovery. Although we are no longer together I will still be here for you throught your journey. Good luck John! I know you are capable of being an amazing father. See you soon.

-kate-