Sure...
So let's start at the beginning of recovery. She was out of control with the drinking. On 12/26/11 after months of the usual pleading and begging, emergency rooms and fear of finding her dead I caught her drinking - she had been keeping it controlled and I missed it but she went over her tipping point and it was obvious.
Big argument ensued, I laid down the ultimatum - tell me which hospital I can take you to or else I will drop you at you family members house, you can get in the car or I can put you in the car - it was ugly. When I dropped her at her brothers house I was miserable - being abandoned is a huge gear for her and I had just yanked the rig out and left her shivering and sobbing and furious with me and her family knew.
That was my rock bottom. I realized she was going to die soon through alcohol or the suicidal grief it brought out. My brain knew it was time to force her to get help against her will. My heart said "You were the one person she trusted and you just took a hammer to a bunny rabbit you miserable piece of ****". I was not proud but I was determined.
We talked over te next few weeks. She wanted to come home. She was mad and homesick and felt like I had no right to not allow her back. She started going to AA and stayed dry, using Xanax to avoid detox. A prior self-directed detox ha landed her in the hospital after a siezure and heart attack. Heroin withdrawal supposedly makes people wish they were dead. Alcohol withdrawal will kill you dead without medical supervision.
I was very conflicted about letting her move back in. I have a teenager and I left her first stepmother when her stepmom got abusive toward her verbally. I won't have her exposed to it. It took me a long time to drop the excuses and just own the truth - the truth is I grew up with a mentally ill mom and constant fear of 'what next' and damnit, I will not live that way. When I shut my door I need peace and serenity and I will live alone if I have to to achieve that.
On the other hand, I am crazy in love with this woman. We open up to each other and have a far more intimate bond than I've had before. I've never believed in all that smarmy nonsense about soulmates and I'm not prone to fantasies of ideal love. I think a great marriage requires hard work... But from the first time we met until today I have those goofy ass puppy love emotions when she walks into the room. I was terrified she was poison for me and I should run back to the safety and predictability of my old life and my ex who was putting on the full court press to get me to come back and after 15 years of ignoring every need she was reading from the 'everything you ever asked for' script.
Right about then my wife got pregnant but we did not know til a couple months later.
I was terrified. I'm ashamed to say I wanted to put the baby up for adoption - or worse - because my brain was screaming that this was a disaster in the making, another 18 years of fighting with a crazy woman to protect a child. I wanted to run away like a coward...
But, I couldn't. If my child was coming then I knew I had to be part of his or her life. Bofe was ready to do it without me and we had TENSION. She found out I'd been talking to my ex about reconciliation - fortunately she found out AFTER I had already made a choice and let te ex know it would not happen. To put it mildly I behaved badly, keeping two lives on hold while I desperately tried to catch my breath and think. There were arguments and drama and to this day my nearly running away is a sore point.
I don't like admitting that but we tend to forget that our alcoholic partners don't live with saints.
I made my choice and owned it though and have not given her any cause for complaint about my being all in.
Things got better - she had stopped going to AA but when I said I was ll in I said she needed to get back in Aa, eat perfectly, get off te meds per the docs orders and focus on doing everything right for our unborn son.
She was anxious and depressed and tired - recovery is physically draining at first for an alcohol dependent person.
We started couples therapy and each got an individual one
We played a lot of finger pointing games and power struggles and throwing the past at each other. It wasn't all bad, we'd be great for a week then some little stupid thing would blow us up.
She was learning sobriety, I was learning to set boundaries and we are both afraid of being controlled. Learning to live with someone is hard. Learning to live with someone is hard enough without all the baggage and a baby and oh yeah, recovery.
Boundaries were tough, I laid down like five and shed break each one time and I'd be pissed. Things like - you can see my phone, emails, gps location, etc - total transparency so you know I am not planning to run back to my ex but try not to do it in front of me, don't reply as me, don't delete or forward stuff. Monitoring did not intrude on my boundaries but the other stuff did and does.
I got tired of being policed. I basically said that if info am doing all that I promised and allowing you access to every detail of my life and you have a fit because my ex sends me a business email and hint that maybe you should call your ex and see what he's up to then I'm going to be pissed and point out all the crap in your closet.
So we agreed to put the past in the past, forgive and move on and focus on the future. I looked at a thousand rings and knew hers the second I laid eyes on it, when she saw it she had the same reaction.
We got married. On our wedding night she got up and overnight was in my email and responded to a note to me from my ex. Ex's note was something about taxes or one of our companies - nothing personal and the response was not ugly but I was pissed, it was an invasion of my boundaries and she broke her word. She seemed irrational as hell that morning and ignores what she did - went on a rant about the past and made accusations. I thought she was drunk but she had taken ambien and not fallen asleep and we've been told that it can make someone appear drunk.
Each boundary violation and each undeserved accusation that was demonstrably false because she had total access to confirm made me more resentful.
She was irritable at times, first baby is scary.
Then we went on our honeymoon and I found a bottle and LOST IT. Wtf! Seven months pregnant and you took a drink! My head exploded - you can go find the thread from early September.
Things settled down a little but about once per week there was some stupid fight, I got off the road and worked from home to watch her like a hawk until baby came. This did not help my career. The good news is that I'm in a role where I can dictate my schedule and travel so that is strife. I can hide the fact that I am not 100% for a time but normal for me is 60 hours focused, 20 hours and no focus shows so I am stresed.
A few weeks before baby was born I noticed I was runnin out of my adderall script. Adderall is for ADHD - its pure amphetamine but on people with ADHD it has a reverse effect, instead of speeding things up it allows me to focus and slows me down. She had a script for it at one time but she knew she can't take it while pregnant. That started a fight over all meds, her brain is word to say a pill fixes anything and if one is good, 3 is great. She was taking them for focus and energy and not in big doses but still- no crap on baby please! We agreed at marriage counseling that she does not touch my meds ever.
Next week I got a new script, I was still pissed at having had to prep and deliver a presentation the week before without it because she left me short. I never take more than te dosage but when you come off it suddenly it fatigues you and they only fill 30 days at a time so if you run out tough luck. So the next day five are missing. I asked, she denied. I checked pharmacy and their count was right so I knew it was BS but without proof I did not want to accuse since I don't like being access of crap I did not do (stupid).
An hour after son was born a pissed off nurse came in and loudly announced that she was drug testing baby because mom tested positive for amphetamine the week before. Fortunately he was clean but otherwise they would have called CPS. Folks, I have had full custody of my teen daughter since she was a baby, I don't take chances on losing that, ever. Her former stepmom got verbally abusive one time as I files and left the next day so the idea of CPS crawling up my rectum does not appeal to me, especially if they are doing so because they have good reason.
I got home that might with DD who was upset about the drug test. Went I my office and figured I'd unwind and toast my sons birth. I had carefully hidden my only bottle ten weeks before after te honeymoon lapse.... Empty.
I was crushed, she had found it somehow and over the course of three days two months earlier she drank it. It was not enough I where I noticed but enough that the baby had to be drunk for three days. Knowing that we will never know whether he was injured or how much is not fun for either of us. It crushed me. I spent the night researching and despairing and I was seething with anger. I told her sponsor and also told her sponsor that she was going to get help and if she did not then I would call social services and have them drag her ass out of the house. That was not a good day.
That was six weeks ago. I've spent a lot of time obsessing and worrying but then accepting and understanding. After wide had those drinks she got 'real' about AA. Twice per day, tougher sponsor... I did not realize at the time why but she went from an aA attendee to an AA devotee.
We are going to use soberlink to monitor by wifes suggestion as that will inhibit her and I'd she messes up she will get caught quickly - imperfect but better. It lets me get on a plane when I need to without being terrified. She's going to get individual or maybe joint? Counseling with an addiction counselor.
So that's the hell part.
Why am I feeling at peace and happy?
Either I've lost it entirely or maybe I have grown up a bit and done anlot of soul searching.
Here are some positives:
1. The drama of the huge issues put an end to the bickering over silly stuff.
2. I stopped being angry at her and started being a good husband. I promised sickness and health when we married. Alcoholism is an illness. If she is fighting it and making progress I will support her because I did not marry her unaware of this. I can't act surprised if she relapses. On the other hand I still won't live with an active addict or allow one around the kids. She could relapse and choose to leave us rather than get help but I do not have control over that.
3. I'm working hard at therapy and go to her open Aa meetings and al anon. I'm educating myself and working on what I can control - myself.
4. The hell part above sounds like a lot but that's a year worth of crap. The good times and good traits my wife has are huge. Her alcoholism went from 4 hospital visits and near death one year to 4 days of drinking. That is a huge change. I am grateful and appreciative but neither of us is satisfied. We want her five year AA birthday to happen and we want it to happen on 9/15/2017. She can't get there overnight, 5 years of sobriety takes uhmmm five years.
My wife can be defensive and lash out when she feels attacked and is already feeling overwhelming guilt. The honeymoon, the day our son was born, our wedding night... I was angry that they became difficult memories. She was too, she also is carrying te guilt and Shame. I was furious right up until the moment that the rehab counselor asked a question and her answer told me that she does understand the magnitude of drinking while pregnant and has watched for any sign every second of every day. Whether the hell that causes her is due to her failure to make the right choice is irrelevant. My wife was suffering and my rage and frustration turned to sympathy and protection in an instant. When I came to her with forgiveness as kindness she dropped the defensiveness and blame shifting and became remorseful and sweet.
Her underlying personality is that of a bunny rabbit. She is sweet and loving and kind and empathetic. The most devoted mon I've ever seen. A loving wife. Strength and vulnerability.... An intimacy I've never known, someone I can talk with until dawn or just stare into each others eyes for hours... Compatibility (cough) I've never known with any lover.
So we have challenges but everyone does. We have a connection that is just instinctive, over time we are realizing our past hurts are similar and consequently we are vulnerable to each other and when we bicker we never go for the eyes - those deep hurts are never ever poked at.
We are both working recovery and getting better as a couple because we are managing ourselves rather than each other.
I'm not willing to waste a day worrying about things I can't control and may never happen. If the docs had been right five years ago I would never have met my wife or our son.
Life is short and the only way to live it that works for me is to learn from the past, prepare realistically forbthenfiture and live in the present. Present means now and present means gift. It's a gift. I'm so lucky to have spent a month believing I had only a few left. You will hear those words some day and you will not:
Lament that you took too many risks to be happy
Wish you'd played it safer
Wish you'd spent more time away from your kids
You will
Resent time and opportunities you wasted on fear and worry
Thank god that you took chances
Be willing to give anything for more time to love and hold someone.
For me, it took me 41 years to know who that person I will desperately want to hold one last time. I'll be damned if I'm going to look back one day and regret days or years wasted on fear and doubt that I could have spent loving and laughing with her. If she relapses in ten years and I lose her to alcoholism or cancer or whatever then I want to know we didn't waste the time we had.
One other thing ...good day or bad we don't go to bed angry. Ok, we don't go to SLEEP angry and we've had a few sleepless nights but for every one of those we have 100 nights like last night with her head on my shoulder and our baby between us and there's no future pain that can undo the joy and contentment of seeing her sleep peacefully holding our son without any alcohol or medications or anything and knowing she is healing, she is beating it, she is the happiest she's ever been ...
And she loves me just as madly.
Sorry so long but it was a question that deserves a complete answer. Your mileage may vary, past performance is no guarantee of future results.
Today is a great day, I love my wife. The Mayans may have been right, don't waste this week!