Almost hoping he will relapse

Old 12-18-2012, 02:54 AM
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Almost hoping he will relapse

I realise this makes me sound awful, and I really want ABF to stay sober (or dry...? I'm new to the lingo), and for us to have the happy life I once imagined we could have.

But I find myself really almost hoping he will relapse so I can leave him and finally get on with my life.

I left ABF on account of his drinking, and returned on the proviso he would never drink one sip of alcohol again. It's only been about three weeks but he has been seeing a therapist and is doing very well. I should say, that he has broken a million different promises in the past, including a million more about controlling his drinking, cutting down etc etc, which obviously never happened. However, he has never actually quit or sought help before. He is actually afraid of therapists.

But I am tired of this life of worry. Before, it was worry about what would happen when he drank. At least that was a sure thing. Now, I am in this limbo where I can't get on with my life or be comfortable as he could drink again. How much more of my life do I waste waiting?

Does it make me a bad person to feel like this? There are just no guarantees in this situation. And while I accept that there are no guarantees in life (my last partner died of cancer, and while it has been very sad I don't ever get angry about it or ask "why me"), I'm not sure I can accept this life where the fate of my, our, and our potential future children's lives rest in his hands only.
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:07 AM
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Why don't you just leave? If the outlook on your relationship looks like this, just do yourself and him a favor and call it quits. It's not fair to either one of you and if you hold on to these feelings, it sets the mood for a doomed relationship IMO.

Just leave. Cut your losses. Go. I'm sure he will survive without you. Don't wait for him to relapse...
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:42 AM
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Originally Posted by BoxinRotz View Post
Why don't you just leave?
Why don't all of us just leave? Because I love him.
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Old 12-18-2012, 04:11 AM
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Hi Audrey1,

I think I get it. I have felt like you before, but in a relationship with a non-alcoholic man. I felt like the relationship wasn't 'bad enough' for me to have a 'good enough' reason to end it. In a way, I was giving control of my life to someone else because I wouldn't take any action or make a decision for my own life unless prompted by something he did. I thought that if I did not have a clear-cut reason for ending it, then I was a bad person--so I stayed too long.

I can't and won't tell you to stay or go. Maybe just take each day as it comes and see what happens--see how you feel as time goes on. I don't think any decision has to be made right now, does it?

I hope things improve for you soon! HG
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Old 12-18-2012, 04:21 AM
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Hi Audrey, I think you know you're not a bad person. You're scared to let yourself hope because you love him and he's let you down in the past. If you allow yourself to hope the let-down will be even more devastating.
I hope putting the post out there has helped you clarify your thoughts. There's probably no easy answer except time. Can you talk to your BF? Or if he can't handle it yet, a counsellor or Alanon. All the best, I hope you hang in there and your BF stays sober. There are plenty of happy stories on this website.
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Old 12-18-2012, 04:42 AM
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You are not a bad person, speaking for myself, it just gets old. Waiting, watching, hoping, then having the rug pulled out from under you, over and over again.

If your boundry is "when/if" he drinks again, it's over, then that is what it should be, say what you mean and mean what you say.

Unfortunately, when one makes the choice to stay with someone who has addiction issues, the worry...never ends.
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:00 AM
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He's accomplishing his commitment to you up to this point. Your commitment was to stay as long as he didn't drink.

Maybe the lesson in this is to not give your word on things so easily.
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:15 AM
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I am sorry but just can't imagine wishing relapse on my AH.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:31 AM
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Hi Audrey, I totally get where you are coming from. I don't really have any experience to share as the thoughts of leaving didn't happen until my AW had a major relapse.

If you were my daughter my advice would be you are allowed to put your own happiness first. Relationships are built on trust and I don't believe you trust him and I understand what it is like to be in a relationship where you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you can find happiness with him then stay and if you can't then leave. It's not a decision you have to make now and to be honest it doesn't depend on his drinking or not drinking.

Your friend,
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:56 AM
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Thanks, Mike. I'm glad someone understands.

It's not just that I am tired of his promises. It's also not that I don't want to support him. But the last time he drank, I was pushed to the point of shaking through the night with a can of mace in hand wondering what he was going to do to me as he went on a rampage downstairs.

This is something that people with non-abusive alcoholic partners fail to understand. Trust is not something that can be achieved immediately once a promise for sobriety is made, as one slip and I face the same nightmarish situation again. Or worse. He insists on my trust, just as several of the people who have posted replies to this thread have insisted, but it's really not that easy.

Then again, giving up completely and leaving someone you love and who claims his happiness depends on you staying isn't either. Therein lies the problem.
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:08 AM
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I know exactly what you are talking about. You can search some of my first posts to read the replies that I found so supportive.

Give yourself permission to honor yourself, your truths, your history with this man, and for being human. It is OK to make mistakes. It is OK to change your mind. Give yourself permission to make choices that bring you peace, safety, and security. No one else can do that for you. It is your responsibility. Base these decisions on what you need and what you know, not on what someone else promises or wants.

We do not have to keep every promise that we make if those promises came from fear, dysfunction, guilt, or obligation.

It is ok to walk away forever. It is ok to live apart and wait and see. It is ok to stay. There are other options. Maybe you could see a counselor on your own to help you untangle them?
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:10 AM
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Audrey, Are you working on you? Seeing a therapist, Alanon, or maybe even reading about codependency??

I wouldn't ever wish a relapse on my husband or anyone else but I wont stay just because he is clean and sober either. When I finally accepted his recovery is his to deal with and that I am powerless, it let go of much of my anxiety.

For me, I have decided I will make a decision when I am healthy, so I can make a healthy decision...otherwise I will just continue the cycle of unhealthy relationships in my life.

Stay focused on you and you fill much better...no matter what you decide!!
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:10 AM
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I think a lot of us focus on the question of "Is it bad enough to leave?" rather than "Is it good enough to stay?" I know I didn't leave until it was "bad enough" and sometimes I really regret that lost time... But it's a part of me, now, and where I came from is a large part of the wonderful person I am today.

That said, the decision really is up to you, and you are not a bad person for hoping he'll just do something to make the decision easy. That's what I waited for before I left, and I do believe that I am not in the minority on that point. It's easier to say we left because of someone else, it's their fault... But there is nothing wrong with saying it was your decision.

If you choose to stay, make sure you have your boundaries in place to keep you safe. Trust once lost needs to be earned, and he needs to understand that it's not going to be simple or fast.
If you choose to leave, make sure you recognize that his choices are his alone and you are not to blame for any choices he makes, even if he says you are.

Either way, you can change your mind at any point. You don't have to justify your decisions, and you don't have to stick to the same one for the rest of your life either. Whatever you decide is not set in stone unless you decide it is. :-)
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:20 AM
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Thanks, guys.

Just to clarify, as I think some people have the wrong idea, I do not "wish" relapse on ABF. I would never wish something like that. I just said I am "almost hoping". Maybe this doesn't really get my thoughts across well. It's almost like when he was drinking I "almost hoped" he would beat me up so I could leave.

I am in a very difficult position as I am a foreigner in his country, where few people speak English. Obviously I am trying to learn his language, but this is slow-going. I also live in a remote village, where no one speaks English. So even if there were English-language Al Anon meetings, or an English-speaking counsellor I could see, it would be too difficult to get there. His family are all big drinkers too (and don't speak English), and some are alcoholics themselves. It is considered normal. So there is no support from them either.

So Sober Recovery is basically it for me.
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Audrey1 View Post
How much more of my life do I waste waiting?
Only you can answer that question.

Life isn't a dress rehearsal; we get one shot at it.

When I stopped living my life for others and started living for me, life did get better.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Audrey1 View Post
Why don't all of us just leave? Because I love him.
Lol. Easier said than done isn't it?

So we each find our own answer to the what-if question Audrey.

I read your last thread ad there is a lot to get over isn't there? A couple thoughts for you:

1. I have spent enough time here and at AA and alanon meetings to see certain patterns. The alcoholism does not EXCUSE bad behavior but when you see it in twenty different stories here you can EXPLAIN which behavior is alcoholism related and which is the underlying person. I pretty much forgive all the illness related stuff.

2. What about the future? Well, I wrestled hard with whether to stick it out or not a year ago. When I left the house this morning she was holding the baby against her and they were sleeping soundly and sober - I'm glad I hung in. My wife was never mean as a drinker, she was incomprehensible sad and scared. ...but it was crazy and chaotic. So over the past year we've had two 'minor' relapses. One of one day, one of three days and neither was a binge and she was not out of control - in fact it was right in front of my nose and I never saw it. The drunken behavior stopped on 12/26 last year and never started again. I am constantly reminded that she may relapse any day, everything could go wrong, etcetera. So ...how to live with that?
I set expectations, maybe a boundary maybe an ultimatum but my boundimatum works for me. I won't live with an active addict in the house with my kids, nor would I for long of I did not have kids. I adore my wife and would kill for her or die for her but I will not sit there and watch her die because she decides to kill herself with alcohol. If she drinks it is her choice, rehab or somewhere else but she will leave and the baby will not as long as she is drinking. A million things COULD happen but I can control what I can and can't worry about the things I can't control. Let's say she is fine for the next X years then has a terrible relapse. If I'm optimistic I enjoy every day until then and I'd I am pessimistic I will be miserable the whole time. I'm optimistic.

3. Do you want this life? Sobriety takes hard work. I believe that our mutual and individual paths through recovery are making us better human beings and happier ones. I am at peace with my choice and not resentful of her because I can't drink at home, I don't have wine when we go out which I used to enjoy and a lot of our social life evolves around AA. Its fine with me but may not be with you.

So I think the first part is whether or not the sober (sober means not using and not freaking out, dry usually refers to not drinking but not getting help - gutting through it or 'white knuckling') person is someone you respect and admire and love. If not, the rest is way too hard and anyone would be wise to find an easier life. In my case my wife is worth it. I am helping her by working on being better myself and being supportive without enabling (tightrope!) as best I can.

We are very happy, I am hopeful. She could blow it all up I. The future but she may not and tomorrow is never promised to any of us. I have to live here I. The present. The present is wonderful. Easy? No, year one onion recovery has been hell at times but we each decide what the goal is worth. My wife and I spent a few years falling in lov before we were able to start dating and we had drama of the future. When reality intrudes on that fantasy world of ideal love it kinda sucked but we are building a real foundation of a healthy relationship one day at a time.

Today is a good day. Wife is sober and has been 93 days and all but 4 days since 12/26/11. Our son is her pride and joy and she is a great mom. I'm realistic and happy - life is good and gettin better.

Hope that helps a little from someone a year ahead of you..
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:18 AM
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Audrey-I can totally understand how you feel. With my abf just getting out of rehab last night I am a bit crazed at the moment. Thank goodness for my fave al anon meetin being tonight. I have a lot of fear of relapse, but I don't think that will change until he has at least a month or two under his belt. I am sticking it out for now but taking one day at a time. The bigger issue I see for you (I believe the other thread I read was yours) is te physical abuse. My abf was never a mean drunk
Or an abusive drunk. He just got goofy as then felt sick the next day so he drank to make the pain go away. That said he has pancreatitis so If he doesn't stop drinking he will kill himself. I have told him I will not bury him. If I find out he is drinking again I am gone. I am ok with a one or two day slip as long as he is honest with me and gets right back on track. So at this time-I have to just live one day at a time and see what happens and continue to hope for his recovery. However-if he is abusing you and that doesn't stop with sobriety then you need to leave. Please take care of yourself.

At the same time-pohs friend, your advice is very helpful. Can you go into the first year "hells" a bit? What can I expect?
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:40 AM
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Audrey, PohsFriend has a good point there about the underlying person.

Is there too much damage to go back to the way things once were when you were happy with him?
If you are afraid you might need a can of mace at some point in your future, that is no way to live. I would exit the relationship at that point. Should the relationship repair itself while living apart, fine. But living with a can of mace is no way for you to live, in that kind of fear. There may simply be too much damage, Audrey. Some things can't be undone, even with good future behavior. If you fear for your safety, then that line has been crossed.
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by bamboo10 View Post
At the same time-pohs friend, your advice is very helpful. Can you go into the first year "hells" a bit? What can I expect?
Thanks, Bamboo.

I am also really appreciating yout advice, Pohs friend, and would also be very interested to know more about your first year with as much detail as possible.

As I said, it's really early days now at less than a month of sobriety. But with Christmas coming up the tension is definitely building. I'm guessing you're feeling that too, Bamboo.
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:21 PM
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Sure...

So let's start at the beginning of recovery. She was out of control with the drinking. On 12/26/11 after months of the usual pleading and begging, emergency rooms and fear of finding her dead I caught her drinking - she had been keeping it controlled and I missed it but she went over her tipping point and it was obvious.
Big argument ensued, I laid down the ultimatum - tell me which hospital I can take you to or else I will drop you at you family members house, you can get in the car or I can put you in the car - it was ugly. When I dropped her at her brothers house I was miserable - being abandoned is a huge gear for her and I had just yanked the rig out and left her shivering and sobbing and furious with me and her family knew.

That was my rock bottom. I realized she was going to die soon through alcohol or the suicidal grief it brought out. My brain knew it was time to force her to get help against her will. My heart said "You were the one person she trusted and you just took a hammer to a bunny rabbit you miserable piece of ****". I was not proud but I was determined.

We talked over te next few weeks. She wanted to come home. She was mad and homesick and felt like I had no right to not allow her back. She started going to AA and stayed dry, using Xanax to avoid detox. A prior self-directed detox ha landed her in the hospital after a siezure and heart attack. Heroin withdrawal supposedly makes people wish they were dead. Alcohol withdrawal will kill you dead without medical supervision.

I was very conflicted about letting her move back in. I have a teenager and I left her first stepmother when her stepmom got abusive toward her verbally. I won't have her exposed to it. It took me a long time to drop the excuses and just own the truth - the truth is I grew up with a mentally ill mom and constant fear of 'what next' and damnit, I will not live that way. When I shut my door I need peace and serenity and I will live alone if I have to to achieve that.

On the other hand, I am crazy in love with this woman. We open up to each other and have a far more intimate bond than I've had before. I've never believed in all that smarmy nonsense about soulmates and I'm not prone to fantasies of ideal love. I think a great marriage requires hard work... But from the first time we met until today I have those goofy ass puppy love emotions when she walks into the room. I was terrified she was poison for me and I should run back to the safety and predictability of my old life and my ex who was putting on the full court press to get me to come back and after 15 years of ignoring every need she was reading from the 'everything you ever asked for' script.

Right about then my wife got pregnant but we did not know til a couple months later.

I was terrified. I'm ashamed to say I wanted to put the baby up for adoption - or worse - because my brain was screaming that this was a disaster in the making, another 18 years of fighting with a crazy woman to protect a child. I wanted to run away like a coward...

But, I couldn't. If my child was coming then I knew I had to be part of his or her life. Bofe was ready to do it without me and we had TENSION. She found out I'd been talking to my ex about reconciliation - fortunately she found out AFTER I had already made a choice and let te ex know it would not happen. To put it mildly I behaved badly, keeping two lives on hold while I desperately tried to catch my breath and think. There were arguments and drama and to this day my nearly running away is a sore point.

I don't like admitting that but we tend to forget that our alcoholic partners don't live with saints.

I made my choice and owned it though and have not given her any cause for complaint about my being all in.

Things got better - she had stopped going to AA but when I said I was ll in I said she needed to get back in Aa, eat perfectly, get off te meds per the docs orders and focus on doing everything right for our unborn son.

She was anxious and depressed and tired - recovery is physically draining at first for an alcohol dependent person.

We started couples therapy and each got an individual one

We played a lot of finger pointing games and power struggles and throwing the past at each other. It wasn't all bad, we'd be great for a week then some little stupid thing would blow us up.

She was learning sobriety, I was learning to set boundaries and we are both afraid of being controlled. Learning to live with someone is hard. Learning to live with someone is hard enough without all the baggage and a baby and oh yeah, recovery.

Boundaries were tough, I laid down like five and shed break each one time and I'd be pissed. Things like - you can see my phone, emails, gps location, etc - total transparency so you know I am not planning to run back to my ex but try not to do it in front of me, don't reply as me, don't delete or forward stuff. Monitoring did not intrude on my boundaries but the other stuff did and does.

I got tired of being policed. I basically said that if info am doing all that I promised and allowing you access to every detail of my life and you have a fit because my ex sends me a business email and hint that maybe you should call your ex and see what he's up to then I'm going to be pissed and point out all the crap in your closet.

So we agreed to put the past in the past, forgive and move on and focus on the future. I looked at a thousand rings and knew hers the second I laid eyes on it, when she saw it she had the same reaction.

We got married. On our wedding night she got up and overnight was in my email and responded to a note to me from my ex. Ex's note was something about taxes or one of our companies - nothing personal and the response was not ugly but I was pissed, it was an invasion of my boundaries and she broke her word. She seemed irrational as hell that morning and ignores what she did - went on a rant about the past and made accusations. I thought she was drunk but she had taken ambien and not fallen asleep and we've been told that it can make someone appear drunk.
Each boundary violation and each undeserved accusation that was demonstrably false because she had total access to confirm made me more resentful.

She was irritable at times, first baby is scary.

Then we went on our honeymoon and I found a bottle and LOST IT. Wtf! Seven months pregnant and you took a drink! My head exploded - you can go find the thread from early September.

Things settled down a little but about once per week there was some stupid fight, I got off the road and worked from home to watch her like a hawk until baby came. This did not help my career. The good news is that I'm in a role where I can dictate my schedule and travel so that is strife. I can hide the fact that I am not 100% for a time but normal for me is 60 hours focused, 20 hours and no focus shows so I am stresed.

A few weeks before baby was born I noticed I was runnin out of my adderall script. Adderall is for ADHD - its pure amphetamine but on people with ADHD it has a reverse effect, instead of speeding things up it allows me to focus and slows me down. She had a script for it at one time but she knew she can't take it while pregnant. That started a fight over all meds, her brain is word to say a pill fixes anything and if one is good, 3 is great. She was taking them for focus and energy and not in big doses but still- no crap on baby please! We agreed at marriage counseling that she does not touch my meds ever.

Next week I got a new script, I was still pissed at having had to prep and deliver a presentation the week before without it because she left me short. I never take more than te dosage but when you come off it suddenly it fatigues you and they only fill 30 days at a time so if you run out tough luck. So the next day five are missing. I asked, she denied. I checked pharmacy and their count was right so I knew it was BS but without proof I did not want to accuse since I don't like being access of crap I did not do (stupid).

An hour after son was born a pissed off nurse came in and loudly announced that she was drug testing baby because mom tested positive for amphetamine the week before. Fortunately he was clean but otherwise they would have called CPS. Folks, I have had full custody of my teen daughter since she was a baby, I don't take chances on losing that, ever. Her former stepmom got verbally abusive one time as I files and left the next day so the idea of CPS crawling up my rectum does not appeal to me, especially if they are doing so because they have good reason.

I got home that might with DD who was upset about the drug test. Went I my office and figured I'd unwind and toast my sons birth. I had carefully hidden my only bottle ten weeks before after te honeymoon lapse.... Empty.

I was crushed, she had found it somehow and over the course of three days two months earlier she drank it. It was not enough I where I noticed but enough that the baby had to be drunk for three days. Knowing that we will never know whether he was injured or how much is not fun for either of us. It crushed me. I spent the night researching and despairing and I was seething with anger. I told her sponsor and also told her sponsor that she was going to get help and if she did not then I would call social services and have them drag her ass out of the house. That was not a good day.

That was six weeks ago. I've spent a lot of time obsessing and worrying but then accepting and understanding. After wide had those drinks she got 'real' about AA. Twice per day, tougher sponsor... I did not realize at the time why but she went from an aA attendee to an AA devotee.

We are going to use soberlink to monitor by wifes suggestion as that will inhibit her and I'd she messes up she will get caught quickly - imperfect but better. It lets me get on a plane when I need to without being terrified. She's going to get individual or maybe joint? Counseling with an addiction counselor.

So that's the hell part.

Why am I feeling at peace and happy?
Either I've lost it entirely or maybe I have grown up a bit and done anlot of soul searching.

Here are some positives:
1. The drama of the huge issues put an end to the bickering over silly stuff.
2. I stopped being angry at her and started being a good husband. I promised sickness and health when we married. Alcoholism is an illness. If she is fighting it and making progress I will support her because I did not marry her unaware of this. I can't act surprised if she relapses. On the other hand I still won't live with an active addict or allow one around the kids. She could relapse and choose to leave us rather than get help but I do not have control over that.
3. I'm working hard at therapy and go to her open Aa meetings and al anon. I'm educating myself and working on what I can control - myself.
4. The hell part above sounds like a lot but that's a year worth of crap. The good times and good traits my wife has are huge. Her alcoholism went from 4 hospital visits and near death one year to 4 days of drinking. That is a huge change. I am grateful and appreciative but neither of us is satisfied. We want her five year AA birthday to happen and we want it to happen on 9/15/2017. She can't get there overnight, 5 years of sobriety takes uhmmm five years.

My wife can be defensive and lash out when she feels attacked and is already feeling overwhelming guilt. The honeymoon, the day our son was born, our wedding night... I was angry that they became difficult memories. She was too, she also is carrying te guilt and Shame. I was furious right up until the moment that the rehab counselor asked a question and her answer told me that she does understand the magnitude of drinking while pregnant and has watched for any sign every second of every day. Whether the hell that causes her is due to her failure to make the right choice is irrelevant. My wife was suffering and my rage and frustration turned to sympathy and protection in an instant. When I came to her with forgiveness as kindness she dropped the defensiveness and blame shifting and became remorseful and sweet.

Her underlying personality is that of a bunny rabbit. She is sweet and loving and kind and empathetic. The most devoted mon I've ever seen. A loving wife. Strength and vulnerability.... An intimacy I've never known, someone I can talk with until dawn or just stare into each others eyes for hours... Compatibility (cough) I've never known with any lover.

So we have challenges but everyone does. We have a connection that is just instinctive, over time we are realizing our past hurts are similar and consequently we are vulnerable to each other and when we bicker we never go for the eyes - those deep hurts are never ever poked at.

We are both working recovery and getting better as a couple because we are managing ourselves rather than each other.

I'm not willing to waste a day worrying about things I can't control and may never happen. If the docs had been right five years ago I would never have met my wife or our son.

Life is short and the only way to live it that works for me is to learn from the past, prepare realistically forbthenfiture and live in the present. Present means now and present means gift. It's a gift. I'm so lucky to have spent a month believing I had only a few left. You will hear those words some day and you will not:
Lament that you took too many risks to be happy
Wish you'd played it safer
Wish you'd spent more time away from your kids

You will
Resent time and opportunities you wasted on fear and worry
Thank god that you took chances
Be willing to give anything for more time to love and hold someone.

For me, it took me 41 years to know who that person I will desperately want to hold one last time. I'll be damned if I'm going to look back one day and regret days or years wasted on fear and doubt that I could have spent loving and laughing with her. If she relapses in ten years and I lose her to alcoholism or cancer or whatever then I want to know we didn't waste the time we had.

One other thing ...good day or bad we don't go to bed angry. Ok, we don't go to SLEEP angry and we've had a few sleepless nights but for every one of those we have 100 nights like last night with her head on my shoulder and our baby between us and there's no future pain that can undo the joy and contentment of seeing her sleep peacefully holding our son without any alcohol or medications or anything and knowing she is healing, she is beating it, she is the happiest she's ever been ...
And she loves me just as madly.

Sorry so long but it was a question that deserves a complete answer. Your mileage may vary, past performance is no guarantee of future results.

Today is a great day, I love my wife. The Mayans may have been right, don't waste this week!
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