PohsFriend

Lol. Easier said than done isn't it?

So we each find our own answer to the what-if question Audrey.

I read your last thread ad there is a lot to get over isn't there? A couple thoughts for you:

1. I have spent enough time here and at AA and alanon meetings to see certain patterns. The alcoholism does not EXCUSE bad behavior but when you see it in twenty different stories here you can EXPLAIN which behavior is alcoholism related and which is the underlying person. I pretty much forgive all the illness related stuff.

2. What about the future? Well, I wrestled hard with whether to stick it out or not a year ago. When I left the house this morning she was holding the baby against her and they were sleeping soundly and sober - I'm glad I hung in. My wife was never mean as a drinker, she was incomprehensible sad and scared. ...but it was crazy and chaotic. So over the past year we've had two 'minor' relapses. One of one day, one of three days and neither was a binge and she was not out of control - in fact it was right in front of my nose and I never saw it. The drunken behavior stopped on 12/26 last year and never started again. I am constantly reminded that she may relapse any day, everything could go wrong, etcetera. So ...how to live with that?
I set expectations, maybe a boundary maybe an ultimatum but my boundimatum works for me. I won't live with an active addict in the house with my kids, nor would I for long of I did not have kids. I adore my wife and would kill for her or die for her but I will not sit there and watch her die because she decides to kill herself with alcohol. If she drinks it is her choice, rehab or somewhere else but she will leave and the baby will not as long as she is drinking. A million things COULD happen but I can control what I can and can't worry about the things I can't control. Let's say she is fine for the next X years then has a terrible relapse. If I'm optimistic I enjoy every day until then and I'd I am pessimistic I will be miserable the whole time. I'm optimistic.

3. Do you want this life? Sobriety takes hard work. I believe that our mutual and individual paths through recovery are making us better human beings and happier ones. I am at peace with my choice and not resentful of her because I can't drink at home, I don't have wine when we go out which I used to enjoy and a lot of our social life evolves around AA. Its fine with me but may not be with you.

So I think the first part is whether or not the sober (sober means not using and not freaking out, dry usually refers to not drinking but not getting help - gutting through it or 'white knuckling') person is someone you respect and admire and love. If not, the rest is way too hard and anyone would be wise to find an easier life. In my case my wife is worth it. I am helping her by working on being better myself and being supportive without enabling (tightrope!) as best I can.

We are very happy, I am hopeful. She could blow it all up I. The future but she may not and tomorrow is never promised to any of us. I have to live here I. The present. The present is wonderful. Easy? No, year one onion recovery has been hell at times but we each decide what the goal is worth. My wife and I spent a few years falling in lov before we were able to start dating and we had drama of the future. When reality intrudes on that fantasy world of ideal love it kinda sucked but we are building a real foundation of a healthy relationship one day at a time.

Today is a good day. Wife is sober and has been 93 days and all but 4 days since 12/26/11. Our son is her pride and joy and she is a great mom. I'm realistic and happy - life is good and gettin better.

Hope that helps a little from someone a year ahead of you..