I know exactly what you are talking about. You can search some of my first posts to read the replies that I found so supportive.
Give yourself permission to honor yourself, your truths, your history with this man, and for being human. It is OK to make mistakes. It is OK to change your mind. Give yourself permission to make choices that bring you peace, safety, and security. No one else can do that for you. It is your responsibility. Base these decisions on what you need and what you know, not on what someone else promises or wants.
We do not have to keep every promise that we make if those promises came from fear, dysfunction, guilt, or obligation.
It is ok to walk away forever. It is ok to live apart and wait and see. It is ok to stay. There are other options. Maybe you could see a counselor on your own to help you untangle them?