Almost hoping he will relapse
I realise this makes me sound awful, and I really want ABF to stay sober (or dry...? I'm new to the lingo), and for us to have the happy life I once imagined we could have.
But I find myself really almost hoping he will relapse so I can leave him and finally get on with my life.
I left ABF on account of his drinking, and returned on the proviso he would never drink one sip of alcohol again. It's only been about three weeks but he has been seeing a therapist and is doing very well. I should say, that he has broken a million different promises in the past, including a million more about controlling his drinking, cutting down etc etc, which obviously never happened. However, he has never actually quit or sought help before. He is actually afraid of therapists.
But I am tired of this life of worry. Before, it was worry about what would happen when he drank. At least that was a sure thing. Now, I am in this limbo where I can't get on with my life or be comfortable as he could drink again. How much more of my life do I waste waiting?
Does it make me a bad person to feel like this? There are just no guarantees in this situation. And while I accept that there are no guarantees in life (my last partner died of cancer, and while it has been very sad I don't ever get angry about it or ask "why me"), I'm not sure I can accept this life where the fate of my, our, and our potential future children's lives rest in his hands only.