Relapse Prevention
The universe- higher power, collective consciousness, God, whatever you want to call it, works in mysterious ways.
I start drinking again (relapsed) the way that every last one of us does- pick up a bottle/glass. Most of us fall into a false trap of "I've worked so hard, I can do this once" or "See? I quit for _____ days/months/years. I'm not an alcoholic. I can drink moderately." That's what I've done- every time. I do moderate for awhile. Maybe a day, maybe a week. Then, there's that morning when I wake up with myself and my choices. And I do it all over again. And every night, it at least crosses my mind. "Wow, I didn't want to do this. This isn't really what I want to be doing. But I started, not gonna stop now."
Today's the fourth day. By some miracle, I've gotten horribly ill with the flu- that started on day 2. I haven't had a cigarette in 2 days, haven't had a drink in 4. I've had lots of time to think about how I want my life to be- to really BE in my body and observe and experience what's happening/happened to it. I know this sounds crazy maybe, but I feel very lucky. Drinking or smoking right now, despite the fact that I am a junkie, would require serious effort that I don't have it in me to engage in. In fact, I think if I drank right now, I'd end up in the hospital. This is an epic illness.
How can we remember these lessons? I really feel that I could push through these early moments- "Oh, just one, I worked so hard", etc, if I were able to keep the things I am sure of now in the forefront of my brain all the time- like a thought tattoo, if that makes sense.