bexxed

Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So it's insane that I think I "have a handle" on my own compulsive behavior (alcohol, tobacco, control) after decades which prove quite the opposite

and it's equally insane, perhaps, to think that I'll create a solution using any of the methods that I tried before- OR, better put, perhaps: it's insane to think that I somehow CARE more.

I have a thinking problem first and foremost. on top of that, I have a caring problem. You'd think I care too much. It might just be hiding that I don't care at all- I'm too numb.

I only know how to get way ahead of myself, too. Yeah, I do want to be... whole. I want to be healthy.

So here's where I'm starting from: Hi, I've been hung over all day from beers and absinthe last night in a strange city I spontaneously went to after a day which started with lunch with drinks where I decided to take the rest of the day off. (which led me to said strange city and absinthe binge) I spent most of the day in bed after flying home this morning still a little tanked and am currently planning a hot Saturday night to the grocery store to get some fruit and mineral water, followed by a sure-to-be humbling trip to Blockbuster to return a movie 3 weeks late so that I can find some more to watch since I can't find anything on Netflix. I do not intend to drink (or smoke) today and know from past experience of living in my body that this hangover was epic enough to get through the 24 hour period without strong desires to- it was bad enough that I may make it to 36 hours just fine- Yeah, I think I will. It'll start to get rough at 42 hours, that's my bet. So anyway. This is what I refer to during other times as a "window of opportunity"- a chance to be sick for a couple of days and reflect on what is creating my sickness's source, and what I can do to kill that, so I don't have to be sick anymore. As I told my therapist today though, I am so impatient. I want to press a button and make my head fixed.

Yeah, at least I'm in therapy. I don't tell my therapist that I think substance abuse is an issue for me. She's recommended alanon, though. I went to the website and fit every single last (expletive) question on the "growing up with an A in your life questionnaire" I also watched the Lois Wilson movie. Which was beautiful.

So where does that leave me? What's different? I will tell you... I have hard anger and judgment towards two things I've seen in my life regarding accepting "god" or higher power. The first was my mother, who quit drinking at the behest of her children 3 years ago. She never, ever got past the "God" thing and is the same crazy (out of) control freak she was, although it's wonderful she's not drinking, it's hard to watch her switch forums. The other thing that makes me really mad is hearing about God, God, God. All God, all the time.

I have a pretty good understanding that God as I know it to be is something that I emanated, and embraced, as a child, a younger person. It embodied a balance I had. I don't live with it anymore, but I haven't lost it. You can't LOSE God in that sense. You have to want to hold God again.

Thanks for being here so that I could find the words to type that. It made me cry to say it. I hope I stick around this time. Thanks, blessings.