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some thoughts after today

Old 12-08-2012, 07:38 PM
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some thoughts after today

Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So it's insane that I think I "have a handle" on my own compulsive behavior (alcohol, tobacco, control) after decades which prove quite the opposite

and it's equally insane, perhaps, to think that I'll create a solution using any of the methods that I tried before- OR, better put, perhaps: it's insane to think that I somehow CARE more.

I have a thinking problem first and foremost. on top of that, I have a caring problem. You'd think I care too much. It might just be hiding that I don't care at all- I'm too numb.

I only know how to get way ahead of myself, too. Yeah, I do want to be... whole. I want to be healthy.

So here's where I'm starting from: Hi, I've been hung over all day from beers and absinthe last night in a strange city I spontaneously went to after a day which started with lunch with drinks where I decided to take the rest of the day off. (which led me to said strange city and absinthe binge) I spent most of the day in bed after flying home this morning still a little tanked and am currently planning a hot Saturday night to the grocery store to get some fruit and mineral water, followed by a sure-to-be humbling trip to Blockbuster to return a movie 3 weeks late so that I can find some more to watch since I can't find anything on Netflix. I do not intend to drink (or smoke) today and know from past experience of living in my body that this hangover was epic enough to get through the 24 hour period without strong desires to- it was bad enough that I may make it to 36 hours just fine- Yeah, I think I will. It'll start to get rough at 42 hours, that's my bet. So anyway. This is what I refer to during other times as a "window of opportunity"- a chance to be sick for a couple of days and reflect on what is creating my sickness's source, and what I can do to kill that, so I don't have to be sick anymore. As I told my therapist today though, I am so impatient. I want to press a button and make my head fixed.

Yeah, at least I'm in therapy. I don't tell my therapist that I think substance abuse is an issue for me. She's recommended alanon, though. I went to the website and fit every single last (expletive) question on the "growing up with an A in your life questionnaire" I also watched the Lois Wilson movie. Which was beautiful.

So where does that leave me? What's different? I will tell you... I have hard anger and judgment towards two things I've seen in my life regarding accepting "god" or higher power. The first was my mother, who quit drinking at the behest of her children 3 years ago. She never, ever got past the "God" thing and is the same crazy (out of) control freak she was, although it's wonderful she's not drinking, it's hard to watch her switch forums. The other thing that makes me really mad is hearing about God, God, God. All God, all the time.

I have a pretty good understanding that God as I know it to be is something that I emanated, and embraced, as a child, a younger person. It embodied a balance I had. I don't live with it anymore, but I haven't lost it. You can't LOSE God in that sense. You have to want to hold God again.

Thanks for being here so that I could find the words to type that. It made me cry to say it. I hope I stick around this time. Thanks, blessings.
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:49 PM
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Get honest with your therapist about the drinking tomorrow, otherwise, he/she does not get the full scope of your issues and as such, can not help you.... I went through 3 therapists before finding one who actually understood alcoholism...

Have you been part of any recovery programs ? S.M.A.R.T ?

You seem to get the fact that you can not beat this thing alone, many of us have tried, me included...

One must typically hit a personal bottom before finally admitting and accepting powerlessness over alcohol.. Hope you do not hit it too hard before taking action to enjoy a better life, which we all deserve.
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:54 PM
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welcome back bexxed

I dunno...I think sometimes we can make the difficult even more complicated.
All you or I really need to do today or tomorrow is not drink.

There's time enough for sorting out things and reckonings...I found I had a much clearer perspective a month or two down the track

I also think you'd be doing yourself a massive favour opening up fully to your therapist.

D
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Old 12-09-2012, 03:42 AM
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We sound like we have similar traits! Keep coming back, it does help!
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Old 12-09-2012, 04:36 AM
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Many are of the opinion that gains cannot be made in therapy unless alcohol abuse is first dealt with.

Why lie to a therapist?
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Old 12-09-2012, 05:56 AM
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Of course I agree with all of you who picked out the part of my carefully thought out and, for me, very open and thus kind of scary-to-post-even-to-strangers posting. Am I lying to the therapist I have been seeing for the last month? No. I haven't told her about something. I've been dealing with some pretty f&^*ing intense personal issues and looking at ALL of my unhealthy coping mechanisms. Did you not read the AlAnon part? Please don't take my inventory for me.

OK, whew. thanks for reading that.

Of course I'll talk with my therapist about what my life looks like. When I'm ready. And if you don't think that stuff can be worked through without talking about every single part of a very complex person's pathology, I -believe you are mistaken.

I went to AA a few times last year. It was a horrible experience which I posted about on these boards at the time. Believe me, I WANT AA to work for me, and more importantly WANT the AA community to not be comprised of bullying agitators who sent me literally running away.... I think my community AA group is not something I'd ever go to again, though. I'm going to breathe and call a sober (Yes, AA, but far away) friend and, like Dee said, not drink today.

So, just like I said, I made it to 36 hours with no problems. I may in fact smoke though. I'm feeling a little edgy, too.... can you tell?
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:03 AM
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A little, but at least you are giving it a shot!
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:17 AM
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I'm of the firm belief that alcohol addiction must be dealt with first, before other issues are delved into.

I'm glad you posted and aren't offended by my difference of opinion.

I'm sober without AA.
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:28 AM
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I am offended, I made that pretty clear, didn't I? I'm not offended by your statement, and didn't disagree with it, but am offended that it was the only thing you could respond to in a post that brought up a lot of the essence of why we drink.

It's interesting, in recovery programs, and the world in general, we sure do get caught up in rules. For crying out loud, I talked to my therapist 15 freaking hours after my last drink, about my very serious other stuff, and didn't mention hey I drink too much.

So, no, not offended, but I would say to you that you might want to shy away from blanket "orders" to someone who is sober one freaking day and is already in therapy in the first place. I think that's coming from a pretty good place and probably the point of my posting was in exploring the "windows" we get where we "can" quit- do they exist or is that something I'm constructing? and my patience, lack thereof, insanity, being a user who is the child of a user, those issues, trust... etc...

But it may turn into a thread about not telling my therapist 15 hours after my last drink that I haven't had one since. Yeah, a little offended. We can keep up this conversation but I'll likely drop out of it after awhile.
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:32 AM
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Actually, sorry, it was the other person who gave the "order".
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:40 AM
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Stay the course of sobriety and may you find success.
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