I noticed in your post that you cannot get to meetings, are you able to participate in the online al-anon meetings at all. I live in a small area, and we have limited meetings, so I try to work the online ones into my schedule whenever possible.
My ex drank 2 beers on the way home from work everyday, at another 6 or 12 pack once he got home, with a 24-30 pack on his days off. He had 3 DUIs, and has never quit, although my son says he cut down to less than a 6 pack most days. As odd as it sounds, the only time he was ever mean to me (mentally abusive, and very intimidating) was after 2 shots of whisky.
While my current husband is obviously nutso after one beer, and completely psychotic after a shot or two. (I was unaware of his drinking, until yesterday) I can relate to much of what you say, but mine accuses me of holding him against his will (if I shut the door to talk without my son hearing), stealing his car (if I hide his keys so he cannot drive) accuses me of making things up as I go along, and says that he wishes I could provide honesty (the 2 things he is guilty of)
He remembers only what I have said the next day, nothing he has said, I started videoing him on my cell phone, which when I do makes him more irritable, these videos and his behavior led to a diagnosis of dissociative disorder, until we figured out they were alcohol induced blackouts. Although in the event that I need to ask for an order of protection, the therapist says they will be most helpful, so I am glad that I record them, even if I can only get audio. (He is not stupid enough to be physically abusive, but he is harrassing with unending annoyances, and continuous attempts to get the last word in.)
"His disease is progressive, his abuse is progressive. Left untreated they will both get worse." This is the most accurate statement I have seen that addresses the issue. I hope that all those affected get help at some point.