will the mental abuse stop?

Old 12-06-2012, 11:36 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: corinth ny
Posts: 1
will the mental abuse stop?

My husband drinks..2-3 beers in the morning,(he goes to work for 3pm), and then at least a 6 pack when he gets home...every day..never a break. i worry about him, obviously, but he is becoming increasingly cruel. My mom just had a stroke last week, and he has not been supportive. I asked him today, what was wrong, how could i help...he proceeded to call me very foul names, and our adult daughter as well, and said he would be happy if I hurried up and had a stroke, that is how i could help. Last year he threatened daughter and i with a (unloaded) gun...he was quite inebriated at the time. he remembers nothing
He hides it well, but his coworkers have noticed a change..including a RA who recommended alanon to me, or a forum..he has given up being an EMT (interferes with his drinking time..which is always alone, hidden in the garage)

I am heartbroken. I cannot get to meetings.
When (I am hopeful he gets sober, do the cruelties stop?
daxhope is offline  
Old 12-06-2012, 11:47 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My axbf was verbally abusive as well, it was very difficult. Bottom line is it will never change unless he gets sober and goes to a therapist to address his underlying anger issues. It sounds like he doesn't intend to do that -- why do you stay with him? Can you get some help for yourself?
ZiggyB is offline  
Old 12-06-2012, 11:47 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Welcome. I'm glad you're here, but I'm sorry you need to be here.

Will the cruelties stop?
I don't know. I don't think anyone knows.
In my marriage to an alcoholic, I got to the point where I asked myself, "if nothing ever changes -- if this is the way our relationship, and his abuse, will be for the rest of my life... is that what I want from my life?"

There are people who find sobriety and recovery and live responsible, loving lives again. You will find some of them here, as you may have seen.

There are also people who never do. My AXH is, so far, one of them.

I struggled for years with what to do. I couldn't leave a man I loved, I felt responsible for him. But time sort of solved that problem for me. As his alcoholism progressed, the abuse got worse and at the end, there was no love, just terror. Which, I guess, made it an easier decision to save myself and the kids and leave.

We're not supposed to give advice here. So I won't. But I will tell you that the behavior you are describing in your husband is not just cruel, it is abuse. A person who threatens you with a gun (does it matter that it was unloaded?) is not a safe person to be around.

Do you find it acceptable for a person to point a gun at you? Would you find it acceptable if an absolute stranger, or a neighbor, or a coworker treated you the way your husband treats you?
lillamy is offline  
Old 12-06-2012, 01:00 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 62
My heart goes out to you today! But for me I can tell you it doesn't stop, it just gets worse. Please find a way to take care of you! You are so important and you need to take care of yourself. Why can't you go to a meeting Ask yourself, why? Then maybe try to figure out a solution. For me, I couldn't make myself go to a meeting alone and I didn't want to admit to strangers that I (strong, perfect me) lived in an imperfect world. Desperation set in and finally I confided in someone. He knew someone one Alanon and together they took me to a meeting. It's slowly turning around...I'm making it about me now. You deserve the same. Hugs.
grammyb is offline  
Old 12-06-2012, 01:27 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
His disease is progressive, his abuse is progressive. Left untreated they will both get worse.

Meetings were a life saver for me, I would suggest that reconsider attending them.

Your hoping that he will stop drinking will not do a thing for either of you, he needs to want recovery and do what it takes to get sober and work a strong program....for life.

I am sorry that you are in pain, however, you too, have choices.
dollydo is offline  
Old 12-06-2012, 01:34 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
 
StarCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
This thread helped me a lot:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html
StarCat is offline  
Old 12-06-2012, 03:42 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
box of chocolates
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
oh man it seems with the body so goes the mind....
my ah too did something similiar....i found him asleep passed out holding a gun to his head today. its one of those days for us i guess and they get to vaguely remember, forget or drink it away like they always do. we however get to deal with the scars from their drinking and remember clearly.
Ive had many names thrown at me by him.....you name it he has said it and even though not true or even partially true statements made by him...they hurt none the less but remember he is a sick mean dog and they are words we could throw around at anyone if we wanted to. they dont pertain to who we are they just pertain to who he is and what he is allowing himself to be.
I have also been told i could die or go s*** a d**** ...yup very harsh but you know what? the cruelties will only stop when He realizes hes done with it OR when WE take our lives and happiness in our own hands.
thislonelygirl is offline  
Old 12-06-2012, 03:54 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Everyone is different, but I can say that I felt very much resonation with your post and your experience.

My exRAH was so mean. I would record him so I coulr relisten to be sure he meant it, or whatever...Maybe to help me make the choice to finally leave.

We have a 7 year old son.
RAexH got sober 2 years ago.
He is still mentally ill.
I thought he acted the way he did because he was drunk.
He was mentally ill. and he still is.

He is an abusive and broken person.
He did not seek the mental health support that I required as a condition of him coming to live with us.

I now see that he does not want to be mean when he is. and when he was drunk he was just miserable. I think he has no other skills. He is angry and beset and cruel as a result.

He is more reasonable about money, can hold a job, can father our son, but he cannot MAINTAIN normal behavior in an intimate relationship/

I have come to believe that he suffers from a true Personality Disorder.

I am sorry to say this, but you may need to not ask your self WHY he does what he does, but rather to take his reasoning and justification out of the picture and just look at the result: You and your daughter being visciously emotionally and mentally belittled and abused.

Is there any good reason or justification for that?
Buffalo66 is offline  
Old 12-07-2012, 03:21 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13
I noticed in your post that you cannot get to meetings, are you able to participate in the online al-anon meetings at all. I live in a small area, and we have limited meetings, so I try to work the online ones into my schedule whenever possible.

My ex drank 2 beers on the way home from work everyday, at another 6 or 12 pack once he got home, with a 24-30 pack on his days off. He had 3 DUIs, and has never quit, although my son says he cut down to less than a 6 pack most days. As odd as it sounds, the only time he was ever mean to me (mentally abusive, and very intimidating) was after 2 shots of whisky.

While my current husband is obviously nutso after one beer, and completely psychotic after a shot or two. (I was unaware of his drinking, until yesterday) I can relate to much of what you say, but mine accuses me of holding him against his will (if I shut the door to talk without my son hearing), stealing his car (if I hide his keys so he cannot drive) accuses me of making things up as I go along, and says that he wishes I could provide honesty (the 2 things he is guilty of)

He remembers only what I have said the next day, nothing he has said, I started videoing him on my cell phone, which when I do makes him more irritable, these videos and his behavior led to a diagnosis of dissociative disorder, until we figured out they were alcohol induced blackouts. Although in the event that I need to ask for an order of protection, the therapist says they will be most helpful, so I am glad that I record them, even if I can only get audio. (He is not stupid enough to be physically abusive, but he is harrassing with unending annoyances, and continuous attempts to get the last word in.)

"His disease is progressive, his abuse is progressive. Left untreated they will both get worse." This is the most accurate statement I have seen that addresses the issue. I hope that all those affected get help at some point.
Trying2forgive is offline  
Old 12-07-2012, 07:35 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 7
I was so sad the day I realized that the guy who pumps my gas is nicer to me than my husband...
Frozen is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:49 AM.