My heart goes out to you today! But for me I can tell you it doesn't stop, it just gets worse. Please find a way to take care of you! You are so important and you need to take care of yourself. Why can't you go to a meeting Ask yourself, why? Then maybe try to figure out a solution. For me, I couldn't make myself go to a meeting alone and I didn't want to admit to strangers that I (strong, perfect me) lived in an imperfect world. Desperation set in and finally I confided in someone. He knew someone one Alanon and together they took me to a meeting. It's slowly turning around...I'm making it about me now. You deserve the same. Hugs.