Imabuleva

I think I am an alcoholic. A functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic nonetheless. I work a normal 9-5 job as an engineer, and I find I'm much more productive in the morning than in the afternoon. I think this is because I am feeling that compulsion to get home as soon as I can to have that first drink.

During the week, I drink at least 3-4 beers a night. Maybe if I buy myself a little bottle, I'll replace a beer with a shot... or two. Every once in a while, I'll start drinking shots on week nights and not stop at one or two. On the weekend, well sometimes I start drinking early and just drink beer all day. Sometimes I'll drink beer all day and then hard liquor at night. Often accompanied by playing video games until my reaction time is too slow and I suck at it. Then I'll just pass out and promise myself I'll stop drinking the next day. Which brings me to the main focus of my predicament:

I go through a 12-hour cycle every day of telling myself I'll quit drinking.... and craving that first drink. I fall asleep thinking about how I want to stop drinking, wake up the next day (never hung over, or I'm just used to it) and tell myself today is the day I stop drinking, and then I go to work and am very productive for the first half of the day. Everything is peachy. But then afternoon comes and my productivity drops dramatically. I start to think about that first drink. And I mentally berate myself and tell myself, "NO TODAY IS THE DAY TO STOP." But it never works. I always end up leaving work as soon as I can to hit the sauce.

I even have goals in life. I have my graduate degree in mechanical engineering and my undergraduate degree in physics from a pretty good school. I want to go back and get my graduate degree in physics and then my doctorate in physics and probably teach. But I just lose all motivation on a 12-hour time schedule. I'm beginning to think I'm too weak to fix it by myself, but I really don't want to go to AA...