I know, it's not what I wanted. The trouble I have is that in his sober periods (this is going to sound cliche) he is all I ever wanted.
But atm he seems to view me as an option when I make him a priority. I stayed an extra night with him last week when I missed my train home and he was angry with me for ruining his 'plans' (watching YouTube videos). He gave me the 'option' of going home late at night or staying over again this weekend and I chose to stay because i didn't want to walk through the city in the dark and cold/ice. He then complained the whole time he was bored, he'd obviously wanted me to leave.
He has never been violent to me but I know he has been in fights with other people. He phoned me one night at 5am to say he had got in a fight with someone who claimed to be a drug dealer (I have no idea if they were or not) and was obviously so drunk that he kept repeating the same phrases to me over and over again no matter what I said. I was angry and terrified but kept him on the phone talking in a neutral tone of voice just so I would know when he arrived back at his hotel safely. We were supposed to spend New Year together (I was really looking forward to it as it was at this time of year he first told me he loved me) but he's just said he's going to go play at a festival where I know almost beyond doubt that he will be drinking heavily. Last week I made him promise to stop drinking - I literally made him say 'I promise you...' but if I'm honest it wasn't because I believed he'd keep it it was so I'd have something concrete to show him to try and shock him into recognising he has a problem.
I'm sorry if I keep going on and on about his flaws but I feel so ashamed of myself when I talk to my friends about this. I can't stand people looking at me and pitying me and I feel like it's my own daft fault for getting back with him in the first place (even though I know it's v unhealthy to think that way). It hurts that I apparently was not enough to stop him going back to his old ways and he's basically picked drink over me.
