Am I an idiot?

Old 12-04-2012, 10:13 AM
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Am I an idiot?

For the last year I have been going out with a man 9 years older than me, on and off (we broke up for a few weeks over the summer).

We broke up largely because of his drinking. While he does not drink constantly he seems unable to just have one, on the couple of occasions that he has had a drink and not become drunk he almost shouts the fact at me in quite a defensive way. I had just started a temporary summer placement and he was supposed to visit me, but instead went to a music festival and drank for 6 days solid during which we had no contact despite me trying increasingly frantically to get in touch with him.

Before our break up I had seen him ill (literally unable to get out of bed or keep food down, shaking uncontrollably, falling asleep randomly) for long periods of time after bouts of drinking. He is a professional musician and often ends up in situations where it is common for everyone to be really drunk, go to afterparties etc.

We got back together on several conditions I stipulated, the main one being that he go to counselling for drinking. He got in touch with a friend of his who is a priest specialising in counselling services ('M) (although we are not religious he has a great deal of respect for this man) and saw him several times. It was M's view that my boyfriend was not a serious alcoholic but that he had spent his life in situations where it was normal to drink and had failed to develop the strength of character necessary to say 'no'. He also said that my boyfriend was using alcohol to cover up his own shyness and any emotional troubles he had. After this BF seemed much better, we went out a few times and he had one or two drinks and then went home. He said that the thought of losing me was enough to keep him from drinking.

We have been back together three months now and I think things are back to how they were. He has done a few gigs where he has got very drunk (the latest being in Belgium where he woke up in a different town, in the street, with no idea what day it was or how he got there) and in addition has started smoking a LOT of weed. He has become incredibly defensive about everything, I think because he knows he is doing wrong - if I say I am worried he shushes me very quickly.

Am I flogging a dead horse? Am I overreacting in thinking he's back on the slippery slope?
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:30 AM
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Am I flogging a dead horse? Am I overreacting in thinking he's back on the slippery slope?
No, and no.

Wecome! Stick around, get comfortable, and keep reading. Find out what you can about alcoholism. At the top of this forum are the "stickies" which are a great crash course. Settle in sometime when you have a moment and do the reading. You'll have a clearer picture when you are done. Thank you for posting.
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:40 AM
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This is an excellent article that sums it all for me
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

No, you are not overreacting.

I had an ex that behaved in similar ways - at one point you have to ask yourself if broken promises, blackouts, are acceptable to YOU. Are they?

Welcome to SR! Lots of wise, caring people in this forum.
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Old 12-04-2012, 11:12 AM
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Thanks...

Thank you...I have had a browse through the stickies

I think what's throwing me is that the guy he saw for counselling said he didn't think he was an alcoholic. Prior to that I would have said he definitely was (I have some experience with alcoholism in my extended family, my mother has much more, and she agreed with me) but I suppose I deferred to 'professional opinion'.

I suppose I feel like I'm dooming myself to spend my life going up and down with his struggles, and more than that I often just have to remind him that I exist. He previously recognised he had a problem but I think he saw his counsellor's advice as almost a blank slate to slowly go back to how he was when he got more comfortable in our new relationship. I don't know if it would help him or not to be told 'yes, you have a serious drink problem' by someone other than me??
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Old 12-04-2012, 11:12 AM
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Also thanks for the article! Missed it first time but found it now.
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Old 12-04-2012, 11:17 AM
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No, I don't think you are being an idiot... and you are not overreacting.

Not remembering where you are in a foreign country is incredibly scary -- it seems like only a matter of time before he meets with disaster. Also the combination of alcohol and pot is not a good one. It seems like he is back to his old tricks. I had an issue with my guy for 3 years and it got so tiring, I wish I had cut him off when I saw the red flags. It is incredibly stressful being worried about them, being annoyed that they can't keep their promises, fretting over their health and being angry when they keep messing it all up.
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Old 12-04-2012, 11:32 AM
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fourteen..

What do you feel, about having to remind your partner that you exist .. ? is that what you dreamed for yourself... ?

Follow your gut.

Even if the counselor had told him that he is an alcoholic - even if the whole world told him - if he does not want to accept it, if he wants to continue drinking, he will.

"Not knowing what happened" would be unacceptable behavior to me, also because its dangerous, what if he slept around without protection? sorry to be so blunt but in my own experience, the active addict I had as "boyfriend' felt the phrase "I don't remember" was a free pass to do whatever he wanted to do.
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Old 12-04-2012, 11:52 AM
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I know, it's not what I wanted. The trouble I have is that in his sober periods (this is going to sound cliche) he is all I ever wanted.

But atm he seems to view me as an option when I make him a priority. I stayed an extra night with him last week when I missed my train home and he was angry with me for ruining his 'plans' (watching YouTube videos). He gave me the 'option' of going home late at night or staying over again this weekend and I chose to stay because i didn't want to walk through the city in the dark and cold/ice. He then complained the whole time he was bored, he'd obviously wanted me to leave.

He has never been violent to me but I know he has been in fights with other people. He phoned me one night at 5am to say he had got in a fight with someone who claimed to be a drug dealer (I have no idea if they were or not) and was obviously so drunk that he kept repeating the same phrases to me over and over again no matter what I said. I was angry and terrified but kept him on the phone talking in a neutral tone of voice just so I would know when he arrived back at his hotel safely. We were supposed to spend New Year together (I was really looking forward to it as it was at this time of year he first told me he loved me) but he's just said he's going to go play at a festival where I know almost beyond doubt that he will be drinking heavily. Last week I made him promise to stop drinking - I literally made him say 'I promise you...' but if I'm honest it wasn't because I believed he'd keep it it was so I'd have something concrete to show him to try and shock him into recognising he has a problem.

I'm sorry if I keep going on and on about his flaws but I feel so ashamed of myself when I talk to my friends about this. I can't stand people looking at me and pitying me and I feel like it's my own daft fault for getting back with him in the first place (even though I know it's v unhealthy to think that way). It hurts that I apparently was not enough to stop him going back to his old ways and he's basically picked drink over me.
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:13 PM
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It was M's view that my boyfriend was not a serious alcoholic
The gentleman is naive. Your friend is an alcoholic to be sure, and one of the most dangerous kinds at that. He is what is known as a "Periodic"..Iv'e had to deal with dozens of them. He can and does go through long periods of being on the wagon due to employment commitments, social pressures, pressing engagements, etc, but once the pressure is off, BANG!!!...........I don't know how long he's been drinking alcoholicly, but as time goes by the periods of abstinence will grow shorter and shorter and shorter between bouts. However you should know this, it usually takes a few decades for that to happen.
Am I flogging a dead horse?
Yes!
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:20 PM
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Thank you...To be honest my BF has been a 'problem drinker' for the best part of 20 years (he is in his mid-30s, I am in my mid-20s). Actually I think it's more that he succumbs to pressure TO drink very easily. The circles in which he moves and the situations he is often in because of his job are very, VERY alcohol-positive and one of the people who has greatly influenced him professionally is a divorced alcoholic with serious liver damage (but an excellent musician). BF will not hear a word said against this man.

My gut instinct is that he started off drinking heavily to fit into the crowd and now either can't or won't stop. Is that common/possible/likely?
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:23 PM
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i would suggest asking your boyfriend to go to someone other than a friend or family member who specializes in alcoholism. your boyfriend is an alcoholic. anyone with experience in this would know that and not brush it off. the deffinition above that he didnt learn coping skills and grew up where drinking was acceptable and basically doesnt know how to control his drinking is the defnition of an alcoholic. perhapse your boyfriend lied to you about what m said?
doesnt matter......the point is .. his friend isnt going to get him in the right direction. a proffesional will however and might i suggest in the future if the proffesional is a friend or family member walk the other way.....even that alone is playing with fire sometimes a person needs to talk with someone with no personal relationship attached to them.
you are not over reacting because YOU know deep down he IS an alcoholic and the friends "assesment" was bs which is why you are here in the first place.
read up on alcoholism. explore the forums here . i wish the best
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by fourteen View Post
Thank you...To be honest my BF has been a 'problem drinker' for the best part of 20 years (he is in his mid-30s, I am in my mid-20s). Actually I think it's more that he succumbs to pressure TO drink very easily. The circles in which he moves and the situations he is often in because of his job are very, VERY alcohol-positive and one of the people who has greatly influenced him professionally is a divorced alcoholic with serious liver damage (but an excellent musician). BF will not hear a word said against this man.

My gut instinct is that he started off drinking heavily to fit into the crowd and now either can't or won't stop. Is that common/possible/likely?
any and all alcoholics will give in to peer pressure about drinking because it feeds into the addict in them....imo.
a proffesional can help him learn the skills to be a leader not a follower and say no.
alcoholics dont just face giving up the drink they face keeping it away....that is where long term recovery comes in by attending counseling aa so forth
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:28 PM
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I don't think he lied, I think that M (however well-meaning) was just wrong. I know he has a problem, I suppose I just wanted to know how to deal with it, if it can be dealt with, if I'm wasting my time/my life.

Also I think he knows that he has to avoid certain situations and is trying to pull away from them. He always just goes on about how he needs the money though (which is kind of true but I don't see why he can't just get a normal job like the other 98% of the population)
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:32 PM
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that is for you to decide.only you know what you can put up with and how much he wont submit to sobreity. if your boyfriend sought help and was willing to talk to his friend perhapse you can ask him to attend aa or find private therapy or embark in a program such as inpatient or if his work is too demanding outpatient?
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:32 PM
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Certainly people places and things can have an effect on the alcoholic - if heavy drinking is acceptable and customary then why not? BUT the choice to drink as much as he does is ultimately HIS - not everyone in the group is drinking to the point that they black out and wake up on an unknown street are they?

Even if your BF were not involved in music he would still drink and probably just as much.

No one is forcing him to drink - you have to accept that. Its not his line of work its him.
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:58 PM
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Originally Posted by fourteen View Post
Thank you...To be honest my BF has been a 'problem drinker' for the best part of 20 years (he is in his mid-30s, I am in my mid-20s). Actually I think it's more that he succumbs to pressure TO drink very easily. The circles in which he moves and the situations he is often in because of his job are very, VERY alcohol-positive and one of the people who has greatly influenced him professionally is a divorced alcoholic with serious liver damage (but an excellent musician). BF will not hear a word said against this man.

My gut instinct is that he started off drinking heavily to fit into the crowd and now either can't or won't stop. Is that common/possible/likely?
Hi there,
My axbf had a lot of friends who drink heavily, he would go out with them and get trashed on a regular basis and it was part of their lifestyle. They didn't see anything wrong with it and though it was funny to go on regular benders and such. So yes, his "crowd" might be part of the problem but it doesn't sound like he is going to stop hanging around them. IMO, you are fighting a losing battle especially if he has been doing this for 20 years.

You can't "save" him -- I know what a powerful hook that is.
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Old 12-04-2012, 01:30 PM
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Listen to yourself,the counsellor obviously doesn,t know anything about alcoholism.





QUOTE=fourteen;3702063]Thank you...I have had a browse through the stickies

I think what's throwing me is that the guy he saw for counselling said he didn't think he was an alcoholic. Prior to that I would have said he definitely was (I have some experience with alcoholism in my extended family, my mother has much more, and she agreed with me) but I suppose I deferred to 'professional opinion'.

I suppose I feel like I'm dooming myself to spend my life going up and down with his struggles, and more than that I often just have to remind him that I exist. He previously recognised he had a problem but I think he saw his counsellor's advice as almost a blank slate to slowly go back to how he was when he got more comfortable in our new relationship. I don't know if it would help him or not to be told 'yes, you have a serious drink problem' by someone other than me??[/QUOTE]
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