Around this time of year I have the Spirit as we getting closer to xmas it changes. I go from wanting to decorate to ripping the lights off the house. Last year I didn't put up a tree I just changed the lights on the outside of the house.
I can't remember a xmas I never felt fear or depression because of alcohol or substance abuse. Going without because dad choose to spend his money on beer rather then the family. Or in foster care feeling like an outsider when her family celebrated at the foster home. My mother in mental hospital and my father out boozing it up and the kids in foster care. Real party!
My Abf wants a $300 chainsaw for xmas. I am thinking to myself during the last three years every birthday I had he was either broke from drugs or like this year in recovery. I don't think I want to invest in a $300 chainsaw. I am still trying to figure out whether I still want to invest in him.
I will get through this, I have the last 48 years doesn't get any easier but it's doable.