Getting through the Holidays

Old 11-30-2012, 08:47 AM
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Getting through the Holidays

How do you plan on surviving the holidays?

I used to love Christmas but now I just get so depressed in the weeks leading up to it. My mom passed away 3 years ago in January from her addiciton, which makes it very hard for me. Plus, I am trying so hard to follow my intuition & not visit my brother in jail while home. I went to see him last year at Christmas & it didn't do any good. I don't want to make that mistake again this year. Why is it that those of us who love our addict have to be the tough ones & avoid them when deep down inside we just want to spend time with them? Sometimes I feel like it is harder for us than it is them, especially when they aren't even aware of the pain they cause.

I can't wait for February...hopefully things will be better then. Oh...never mind, that is when my brother is released & I get to start worrying about his life all over again. Don't worry, he doesn't even know I exist when he is using so the worrying is all silent He just gets to live his life the way he wants while I sit in pain. Ugghhh...
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Old 11-30-2012, 09:50 AM
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First of all, I am so very sorry for the profound loss of your mother. That does make holidays difficult.

I too struggled with the holidays for many years. As for family members, there is just my AD, my youngest daughter, two grandchildren (12 and 17), and me. No fancy celebrations...Christmas is a quiet day at home.

Somewhere between the 26th and the 1st, we will get together to eat at a restaurant, see the IMAX feature at the Cosmosphere, and then a movie. Everyone goes their separate ways afterwards.

I finally realized although it is a season for giving, I was getting it all wrong. I'd get depressed because every year I didn't have the money to buy "nice" (as in expensive) gifts for everyone. I fixated on material things.

The first new tradition I started was a God Box. This year I am using a beautiful birdhouse that my 12-year-old grandson made in shop. There is a notepad beside it, and every day I write a prayer for someone/something on that and I roll up the paper and put it in the birdhouse. Homeless people, our military, animals who are abandoned and suffering...I have put a prayer in for all of these in years past, and a whole lot more.

I am losing my client January 1st (I'm a direct support worker) as he is moving closer to family due to chronic worsening health issues. It is not my job to help with moving, but I volunteered to help him sort through the smaller things and start packing. I will label the boxes. I am also going to create a comprehensive notebook for his cousin as she has no idea of what his day to day life is. I'll list his meds (he is on about 12) as I always keep his dispensers filled, and take care of his refills for him.
I am doing this because it will help make the transition easier for both him and his cousin. I am doing for others, for people who need the extra help and are grateful for it.

I will say I never visited my AD over the holidays while she was in jail. She's been incarcerated numerous times.

How about starting a new tradition in honor of your mother, like a God box, or whatever you find that will work?

I have to be very careful over the holidays to make sure I am out of "self" or my ego takes over and I struggle, lots of depression in years past.

It feels good to reach out to others.

Sending you hugs of support, dear!
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Old 11-30-2012, 10:01 AM
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How do you plan on surviving the holidays?
By choosing to.
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Old 11-30-2012, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by kthopkt View Post
Why is it that those of us who love our addict have to be the tough ones & avoid them when deep down inside we just want to spend time with them? Sometimes I feel like it is harder for us than it is them, especially when they aren't even aware of the pain they cause.
This is beautifully put and I thank you for it. It is so true that we suffer more than they do- addiction is a selfish disease, and that's all there is to it. Sibling relationships can be so difficult. I grew up with my brother as my constant bully and I don't feel like that's ever going to change. Now he's bullying my kids, calling them p*ssies, and I hear the same excuses from my parents as they gave to me- he doesn't mean it, he loves them, etc. This Christmas will be an experiment to see if he can treat us with respect, and if he can't, we are finished with him.
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Old 11-30-2012, 10:25 AM
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I'm struggling through the holidays too.. December has always been a bad month for me.. My dad died two weeks before Christmas, my grandmother too and a beloved dog I had was killed tragically two days after Christmas.. this year my divorce will be final 5 days before Christmas.. Yep, LOL if I allow it, December is gonna suck..

However I know that my happiness and my serenity is my choice.. Time to make some new traditions, find a happy way to honor my late loved ones and just keep marching forward.. I'm actually thinking about volunteering at a soup kitchen or something just to give back instead of sitting at home alone having a pity party..
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Old 11-30-2012, 10:38 AM
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kthopkt,

Look, I don't like the holidays, either. For reasons I won't divulge because they're intensely private. But I've gotten to a point in my life where I understand that if I decide something will suck, then it's going to suck. Life can be very difficult, so why intentionally make things harder on ourselves than they have to be.

More to the point, I refuse to give someone the power to make my holidays suck.

As far as what I'm going to do this year, I'm not sure yet. But I'm thankful every day for my friends and family, and even more thankful that my AXGF is long gone. Worst case for me is a Christmas alone. And what I'll likely do in that event is grill a nice New York Strip, have a fire going in my fireplace, play guitar really loud, and watch movies. And I've got a nice 10 year old single malt scotch my brother gave me for my birthday that I haven't opened yet, but will on Christmas. So, by any measure, my worst case day is going to be a nice way to relax and unwind.

My hope for you is you decide that you're going to get through the day and you don't allow someone to have the power to make your holidays miserable.

Best,
ZoSo
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Old 11-30-2012, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by jerect View Post
I'm struggling through the holidays too.. December has always been a bad month for me.. My dad died two weeks before Christmas, my grandmother too and a beloved dog I had was killed tragically two days after Christmas.. this year my divorce will be final 5 days before Christmas.. Yep, LOL if I allow it, December is gonna suck..

However I know that my happiness and my serenity is my choice.. Time to make some new traditions, find a happy way to honor my late loved ones and just keep marching forward.. I'm actually thinking about volunteering at a soup kitchen or something just to give back instead of sitting at home alone having a pity party..
================================================== =======

Yeah,jerect...we remember...DEC20.....the solstice (give or take).
You'd do well to think of it as your first Christmas in a long time defined
by YOU---not some addictive maladaptation of life.The northern hemisphere
starts the long march to summer.

And so do you!

(Now if someone could just jack the distributor cap off the vehicle those
damned party-pooping Mayan's are driving-----but I date myself---do cars
even HAVE distributor caps any more?)

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Old 11-30-2012, 10:56 AM
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I had a hard year. I'm bringing back an old tradition. On Christmas Eve I'm taking my copy of Dickens Christmas Carol to the heart of downtown, and watching all the last minute shoppers.

There their excitement gets me out of self as I am in the heart of the holiday as I sit on the bench in the shopping center, carols pumping throughout the mall, and no crazy shopping for me!
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post


I refuse to give someone the power to make my holidays suck. ZoSo
Good stuff, ZoSo.
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Old 11-30-2012, 01:43 PM
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>>>> I refuse to give someone the power to make my holidays suck<<<<<

Yeah,Zoso----time to start the resistance movement.

I had ONE Christmas suck in a very,very long time-----waiting
for a certain someone to drop a text so I knew she hadn't
done anything stupid to herself.

It was too much to ask.
What a waste of my time,energy,and well being.

NEVER AGAIN.DON'T give them the power to ruin the season.
Join the resistance!
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Old 11-30-2012, 02:08 PM
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I would love to spend more time with my AB. However, when I do, I go right back to my codependent ways. I want to ask him about his recovery. I worry that he will die if he doesn't stop. I begin to think about his situation all the time. Separating myself from him helps me to be healthier myself. I hope that I can learn to let go and let God, but until then, limiting contact with him is how I will keep myself in a better state of mind. Your holidays will only be bad if you allow them to be bad. Don't give him that power. Do you think he will be sitting in jail thinking about how badly he feels that his actions have upset you this much? I doubt it.
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Old 12-01-2012, 07:46 AM
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There is no doubt that the holidays can be a hard time for many of us. Our minds often take the path of least resistance and go toward the negative aspects....simply because that is the path that has been most traveled in our weary brains.

It takes a lot of determination to change that path and force our minds to embrace the positive. And sometimes we're successful in doing it and sometimes we're not. Several folks have provided thoughts on how they intend to make the holidays enjoyable. Can you think of some things you can do to make your holidays enjoyable?

Sometimes the hardest thing that we have to do as the loved ones of addicts is allow them to sit in their own discomfort. You are not responsible for your brother's Christmas. He is where he is and perhaps it is best to allow him to feel the discomfort and isolation of where he is. It may be the most loving thing you could do for him.

And the most loving thing you can do for you? Embrace and enjoy your life and the beauty of this holiday season.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 12-01-2012, 06:19 PM
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Around this time of year I have the Spirit as we getting closer to xmas it changes. I go from wanting to decorate to ripping the lights off the house. Last year I didn't put up a tree I just changed the lights on the outside of the house.

I can't remember a xmas I never felt fear or depression because of alcohol or substance abuse. Going without because dad choose to spend his money on beer rather then the family. Or in foster care feeling like an outsider when her family celebrated at the foster home. My mother in mental hospital and my father out boozing it up and the kids in foster care. Real party!

My Abf wants a $300 chainsaw for xmas. I am thinking to myself during the last three years every birthday I had he was either broke from drugs or like this year in recovery. I don't think I want to invest in a $300 chainsaw. I am still trying to figure out whether I still want to invest in him.

I will get through this, I have the last 48 years doesn't get any easier but it's doable.
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