Hi TT,
In my experience, beating myself up for things just works to lay the guilt on myself, and to escape from the guilt I do something to escape. Like drink. For me, if I can stop beating myself up and be kind to myself, it works a whole lot better to make things in my life get better.
In this forum, I have found a bunch of people who have been very kind to me. Supportive. I hope you find that too.
Thanks for being here. Today is only what matters.