Just wanted to send you some cyber hugs
I agree that Christmas is stressful under the BEST of conditions, so take it easy on yourself.
A few years back it all really 'got' to me so I threw in the towel on the holidays
and decided to scale it back to what I could handle vs. trying to be the hero & do it all.
I skipped a big formal tree & only put up our ceramic lighted one, downsized our gift list by removing all the adults & focusing on the kids instead. I cut down my baking & instead of worrying about having cookies for everyone I worried about enjoying spending time with the kids making just a few batches for our immediate family to enjoy. I told friends that I wasn't into doing gift exchanges but that I was totally open to turning it into quality time spent together & with our kids instead. It was a win-win because we ended up doing a lot more activities & it kept me & DD busy & out of the house enjoying the season. We went driving around looking at decorations, hosted a gingerbread house decorating party for her friends (everyone brought their own kit & I provided some extras), took them for train rides & Santa visits.
I got to breathe a lot more that year & I needed it... AH was in full-on active drinking mode & I didn't have the energy or resources to keep doing the holiday the same way we'd always done in the past.