Other than never having been violent, your description of your husband could be of me during my marriage. The best thing was my getting kicked out of the house. It gave my ex some relief from my insanity and me a chance to separate my problems from the ones she had. It also saved my son from having to be around a passed out dad. It was very painful all around and I didn't want to leave but it ended up that I had no choice.
It has taken time and a lot of work but she and I are really good friends and my son and I are close. They call it "tough love" for a reason and I really appreciate the people who put their foot down with me. I have come to realize that they didn't love me less but just how much they really did love me. You are not going to "let him go" in your heart. Doing what you have to do to take care of yourself and your children is paramount. If he wants to heal himself and the relationship he will face reality and make the changes he needs to.
Don't want to sound preachy but I put my family through hell at times and I didn't realize it until I started facing the reality of my alcoholism and how much I hurt others I loved. At first I really hated her for it but in time I realized she only did what she needed to do and I respect and love her for that.
Thank you for your post and I hope you are able to negotiate your way through this difficult time.