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Very confused feelings for alcoholic ex

Old 11-14-2012, 11:49 AM
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rmp
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Very confused feelings for alcoholic ex

Hi there
This is very first time ever doing any sort of blog so i apologize if i don't know correct procedure or anything!
I found this website by chance when looking for help and advice on how to cope with my feelings towards my very newly ex husband.
We were married for 15 years, have two kids. He is an binge alcoholic who had tried on several occasions to stop thru AA, addiction counselling, once for as long as 2 years. His drinking was getting progressively worse, since hes moved out i've found 15 empty bottles of vodka hidden round the house, he was just getting sicker and sicker. then 6 weeks ago he got violent with one of our sons, and i got him out.
I am in a complete state of confusion, distress and full of self loathing as i still cant let him truly go in my heart. in order to survive living with him, i saw him as two different people, sober one, drunk one. When sober he is who i need to spend the rest of my life with, when drunk i would have done time just to end the pain.There always was such a massive indescribable connection on a deep deep level and its still there.
I know it is really very early days but is this normal, to miss someone from deep inside you despite the pain they caused, it just doesn't make sense and i hate myself and my weakness for not finally being out to say i'm done. I truly thought i had, but i was running on autopilot, now i'm smack bang in reality and can't stand all this pain of being stuck in some sort of limbo land, stuck in mud, and just can't move on in any direction. . What is coodependence as opposed to love? I would love to hear if anyone has had similar experiences or any advice as i'm so confused Thanks
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Old 11-14-2012, 12:10 PM
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Other than never having been violent, your description of your husband could be of me during my marriage. The best thing was my getting kicked out of the house. It gave my ex some relief from my insanity and me a chance to separate my problems from the ones she had. It also saved my son from having to be around a passed out dad. It was very painful all around and I didn't want to leave but it ended up that I had no choice.

It has taken time and a lot of work but she and I are really good friends and my son and I are close. They call it "tough love" for a reason and I really appreciate the people who put their foot down with me. I have come to realize that they didn't love me less but just how much they really did love me. You are not going to "let him go" in your heart. Doing what you have to do to take care of yourself and your children is paramount. If he wants to heal himself and the relationship he will face reality and make the changes he needs to.

Don't want to sound preachy but I put my family through hell at times and I didn't realize it until I started facing the reality of my alcoholism and how much I hurt others I loved. At first I really hated her for it but in time I realized she only did what she needed to do and I respect and love her for that.

Thank you for your post and I hope you are able to negotiate your way through this difficult time.
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Old 11-14-2012, 12:12 PM
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I am sorry for your situation and I can only speak from the alcoholic side. I did anything I needed to to protect my addiction. Wife, kids, job, health, took second place. There was no low that was too low for me. I was a liar, cheat and thief. There was nothing that anyone could do for me until I decided to change.

Unfotunately many die before they decide to change and that is the ugly truth of addiction. You can be there for him if he wants to get better but until/if that happens you need to take care of yourself and distance him from you and your family.

My wife goes to Alanon and is a big fan. Alanon teaches you how to take care yourself when a loved one is in active addiction or how to pick up the pieces after they sober up
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Old 11-15-2012, 08:15 AM
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Thank you both for taking time out to respond to me in my time of personal hell. Really makes me believe that if you ask for help, it will come, often in the most bizarre of places! Something that i have often struggled with. It gave me great hope that people can recover and find a better way of living. At same time though, i think i finally get what i'm doing, my feelings aren't magically going to disappear, i'm just "detaching with love". Time now for me to focus all the energy that i was expending on surviving the marriage on me and the kids. What will happen will happen, but at the moment, the focus has to be on me, and what i need, which is a lot of space, clarity and peace.
Best of luck to you both on your respective journeys, i truly appreciate the replies, feel less alone, and like a whole new world of support and help has been opened up in front of me. Take care!
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Old 11-15-2012, 08:23 AM
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A day at a time is not just for alcoholics. All you can control is you and you only have today. Tomorrow has not come and yesterday has passed. Do the next right thing and things will start to get better.
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Old 11-15-2012, 08:36 AM
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One thing that you are not, is alone. No matter how strange, crazy, stupid, and embarrassed I have felt at times, I have found that there are others who have experienced exactly the same thing.
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Old 11-15-2012, 03:31 PM
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go to alanon!! find a group who will listen to you and understand that you still love him but not the bottle! there is a HUGE difference between the two! the day i had my husband removed from the house was the hardest tough love moment. his family rallied around him and now we are dealing with hospitals and the courts because he is still drinking. you are going to stumble with second guessing yourself but you need to take care of yourself!! making him sober is not something you can do for him, it has to be his choice. get healthy for you and maybe he will see you getting healthy and get sober. protect your heart and soul from the lying and cheating way of the drinking person till the drunk is sober for a longtime. he will say and do anything to stay in his addiction because it is comfortable to him. make yourself a promise to get help for yourself. best of luck and i truly do understand still being in love with the man but not the bottle. i had a funeral for my husband already, i am just waiting for the shell to die.
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