Very confused feelings for alcoholic ex
Hi there
This is very first time ever doing any sort of blog so i apologize if i don't know correct procedure or anything!
I found this website by chance when looking for help and advice on how to cope with my feelings towards my very newly ex husband.
We were married for 15 years, have two kids. He is an binge alcoholic who had tried on several occasions to stop thru AA, addiction counselling, once for as long as 2 years. His drinking was getting progressively worse, since hes moved out i've found 15 empty bottles of vodka hidden round the house, he was just getting sicker and sicker. then 6 weeks ago he got violent with one of our sons, and i got him out.
I am in a complete state of confusion, distress and full of self loathing as i still cant let him truly go in my heart. in order to survive living with him, i saw him as two different people, sober one, drunk one. When sober he is who i need to spend the rest of my life with, when drunk i would have done time just to end the pain.There always was such a massive indescribable connection on a deep deep level and its still there.
I know it is really very early days but is this normal, to miss someone from deep inside you despite the pain they caused, it just doesn't make sense and i hate myself and my weakness for not finally being out to say i'm done. I truly thought i had, but i was running on autopilot, now i'm smack bang in reality and can't stand all this pain of being stuck in some sort of limbo land, stuck in mud, and just can't move on in any direction. . What is coodependence as opposed to love? I would love to hear if anyone has had similar experiences or any advice as i'm so confused Thanks