Quinnleigh,
Like the others have said...time to walk the talk...quit drinking.
It took me about 8 months before I could get my head around the big plan. More important initially is that you start to disassociate from your av. Not drinking will give you some perspective that simply isn't possible in your current state.
Once I got free and clear of the beast I was finally able to commit to never...best moment ever! Truly liberating and so exciting to be free of that guilt, that shame...forever.
It all starts with stopping though.
Btw... I just recently passed the 500 day mark...