dox... I checked myself into a treatment center for 4 weeks of inpatient, then did another 5 months of outpatient. I worked through the steps both during the inpatient and the out patient. I have been in a major depressive state for a few months now. I have periods of clarity where things are good, but I have had a few anniversaries that have taken a toll. I have been on a bit of a griping trend lately, but with the anniversaries of my quit date in April, then the anniversary of my dads passing in June, my moms bday in August, then the anniversary of her passing in Oct, then my own bday later in Oct (40th) with my hubby behaving badly and no party, present or card from him (I did get beautiful handmade cards from my kids and a gift from my in-laws), and then my dads bday 3 days after my own... I think it all built up and overflowed. Anytime something like this happens I talk to my husband, but with the stuff going on with him... that was not really an option and my best friend lives over 6 hours away and is busy, so getting her on the phone when I need to or am available is difficult at best.
Normally I am not so likely to complain, but this year was especially hard. Things are much better between me and my husband, I gave him a print up of all the things he was messaging to the ex girlfriend and he was in tears. He did not realize how bad what he was saying was. He had deleted the messages to hide them from me, but I was able to get into his facebook account and copy them all into a word file and save them before he had a chance to delete anymore of them. He never physically acted on anything, but the flirting and what he was saying was very very emotionally damaging to me. He thought that since it was only in type that no one would get hurt... but once he read through what he wrote it was a completely different story. Anyhow things are better there.
For the last 10 years I have had one crisis after another and never had much of a chance to have any downtime to worry about AA or treatment/support. I dont really have a "higher power" it is more of an attitude that I wont let anything like alcohol take over my life and run me and my family and other people I love into the ground. It is not shear will, but I would explain it as "I am too strong headed and strong willed to not succeed at staying sober". When the stuff hit the fan with my hubby, he was worried that I would end up drinking, but I made it very clear to him that no one would be the cause of me drinking but me. If I were going to go get lit it would be my choice and not "because" of anything he or anyone else did. And that I would not allow myself to throw away almost 13 years of sobriety. I have always talked openly with my husband about my sobriety and any problems I may be having, and I let him know when I am doing good. I also talk with my two older kids about drinking and the dangers of it. I use my own experience with it as a tool to teach them. They are very aware of the risk of alcoholism in my family... most everyone on my side of the family are alcoholics, both my parents, their siblings and my grandparents, my cousins etc. The ones that are not alcoholics are deeply rooted in church and are under the assumption that all alcohol use should be banned and that it is "evil". I have been told that by more than one of them. They actually said that alcohol is evil.
There is no way I would give anyone a reason to say "I told you so". Many people have been worried that I would go back to it, even in treatment the counselors are very adamant that most will use again. My inlaws were scared to have a beer or a glass of wine if I was there. It took me a year to get them to understand that for me seeing a beer or a glass of wine was not going to cause me to drink. That it would be my decision and that they did not have to be so carefull around me. All it did was make me feel like an outsider. That them not behaving normally actually made me uncomfortable. I have proven them wrong and wont let them be proven right. We had a reunion of sorts after I had my twins. I took them in to the center to show them off to my counselors. They were very surprised to see that I was continuing to stay sober. I really dont think they truly thought I would stay in recovery.
I know it is not the way for most people to stay sober, but it works for me. I do not recommend it to anyone. I always say go to meetings, use treatment as a tool and learn everything you can from it, do the steps if you do AA or any other step program. I have even gone with someone to a few meetings, which they decided not to continue. I would have continued to go to help them if they wanted to continue. But they moved to another city and I have not heard from them since. I am guessing they did not continue with the program.