I'm here today trying to make a go of it yet again. If you look through the history of my posts you will see that I have been trying to get sober for years. And actually part of the problem that I face that I think many others face is not that I want to get sober but that I'm trying not to be an alcoholic because I'm so ashamed of it instead of treating it like the disease it is and trying to deal with the reality of it.
I think for some of us, the panic of not wanting to BE an alcoholic causes us to drink because if we can drink and stop we won't be an alcoholic, we'll just be an occasional drunk. So we try it and screw up over and over again. The worse we screw up the more we want to pretend it isn't as bad as we think it is.
I had someone walk into a bar and fall sideways knocking over three bar stools. I'll think, (see I'm not that bad!)
My family isn't as bad as his is but I will say that part of the problem in my life is that I had a very abusive upbringing by a crazy alcoholic mother and the "worst thing in the world" to me would be to "be like her"
Because of this I have major levels of pain dealing with the shame associated with the BIG A WORD as we call it in our family.
If I didn't have the past I did I might look at the whole thing differently. I'd see it as an illness and not a sense of complete failure as a human being.
Someone compared alcoholism to an allergy against alcohol. I thought this was a great explanation. If you have an allergy there's no shame or self blame in it. It's just the way your body is made up.
For me though, and for many alcoholics we also grew up with alcoholics and so we feel practically evil and like a huge failure for being "like them."
It seems to me that this is what is going on with your boyfriend. And I can tell you that my husband is loving and supportive but we've been married for 12 years and I am honest with him about how I lie to him, deceive him etc. If that makes any sense.
Your boyfriend is not worth putting yourself through this. I would never marry or date an addict. The collateral damage in the disease is life changing and horrible. Run and do not look back.