Hi fml23,
Thanks for sharing. I wasn't married to my XABF, but I can tell you some of the things I did to find the "me" outside of the alcoholism, chaos, and frustration. I didn't know it at the time, but after my ex got a DUI, I went with him to AA about three times a week for 2-3 months, then continued to go once a week after he got his car back. At the time, I went to show support. Today, I see that experience as invaluable to who I am today. It's kind of ironic that I learned so much in AA. Sometimes when I would talk to him about AA, he got very defensive insisting that it was his program and not mine. That struck me as odd and come to find out, when he started to display these resentful behaviors was when he had in fact relapsed, but kept it a secret.
In addition to AA, I found SR. I am so grateful for SR. The stories and encouragement I receive on here gave me the courage to finally leave my ex after a three year rollercoaster. I also started going to Al-Anon. He went with me to my first meeting (similar to how I went to AA with him), but could not handle it and stopped going. It was too difficult for him to understand the other perspective. I, too, struggled through Al-Anon. I remember wanting to cry everytime I went. Every story people told resonated with me and for the first time in a long time I did not feel alone. I felt more alone in the three years with my ex than I had ever felt. I became very codependent. I needed and wanted him around me all the time. I wanted him to show and prove that he loved me.
AA, SR, and Al-Anon have worked for me. I tell my close friends about what I've learned to continue to remind myself and practice what I have learned. I've learned it's ok to want better, to want more. It's crazy that my time with my ex, he had me convinced that true happiness, the time when our relationship would get better was way into the future and that I had to be patient. The number of conversations we had and he kept telling me I HAD to be patient after three years really bothered me. How much more patient can I be? I learned it's ok to be impatient. I learned that I have to put myself first because he certainly was putting himself first.
I'd recommend starting with SR, but don't just read our stories. Read the newcomers stories, understand the alcoholic's perspective too and it will help you start putting together the pieces and in time, help you decide what to do.