In need of a little inspiration!

Old 11-08-2012, 11:31 AM
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In need of a little inspiration!

Hi. This is my first post here. I'm married to an alcoholic and am in need of a little inspiration!

My husband and I have been struggling and battling through his untreated depression and use of alcohol to cope. We have a 20 month old and have been married 3 years.

In the three years we've been married (and occasionally while dating) we have been on this roller coaster. I set boundaries and they are broken. I get sucked into the terrible and confusing back and forth of 'maybe it isn't the alcohol' or accepting tiny improvements in place of really solid plans to move forward. A year ago, during a particularly bad night of arguing my husband punched me in front of our daughter. This violation was enough for me to check my codependency and move into my parents and stick to my guns. After some time my husband agreed to counseling. The funny thing is, I let it be with the intent of improving our marriage. Not about us dealing with his alcoholism and depression.

The counseling helped for a time and my husband said he no longer wanted to go. So we moved forward. He has been moderating his drinking with occasional slips into more severe episodes.

We are at a cross roads. After several weeks of fighting I have moved back I with my parents. I realized that even though my husband may not be getting black out drunk everyday anymore, he's still an alcoholic and all the anger, confusion, hurt, and chaos this disease has done needs to be addressed. I am very codependent and having trouble understanding what that means and how to face it. I don't want to be married to an alcoholic.

I need some guidance, some stories of where others have started and how to begin the process of finding the 'me' outside of this chaos and addiction .

Thanks in advance for any replies. I feel better just having found this community.
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Old 11-08-2012, 11:52 AM
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Welcome to the community, though I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Read the 'stickies' that are at the top on the main page of this forum - they are loaded with valuable, and sometimes eye-opening stories and help.

Being the father of a 2.5 year-old, my first thoughts are how does all that happen affect my son? You need to protect your little one, and you need to protect yourself.

Boundaries are not boundaries unless they are enforced. Wife and I went to marriage counseling as well. And, as people said here - it won't do a whip of good until the other issues are treated.

Read much, have faith, stay strong, and watch your back. If he hit you once, he'll do it again.

Blessing,
C-OH Dad
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Old 11-08-2012, 11:54 AM
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And here is a link to start with:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 11-08-2012, 12:01 PM
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Have you looked into attending Al-Anon meetings? This forum is a great resource for sharing experiences and finding inspiration and courage, but you might also benefit from face to face meetings as well, and a more organized approach towards your own recovery. Anything you can try to put the focus on you and your well-being would be a great step.

I am the adult child of an alcoholic and I wish more than anything my father had put his needs and the needs of his kids before my alcoholic mother's. Even if you and your husband work things out and move forward, you can never be too armed with information about how alcoholism affects the entire family!

Please keep reading and posting! Welcome to SR!
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Old 11-08-2012, 12:18 PM
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Welcome to SR. So sorry for your pain. As another newcomer, read, read, read. This site is such a wonderful source of inspiration and support. Slowly, you will have the courage and your inner voice will start telling you how to find your strength . Listen to your inner voice. There's no right or wrong way . Hugs.The wonderful people on this site are so supportive and here for you
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Old 11-08-2012, 12:19 PM
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Thanks for the responses! I tried an al anon meeting but I was quite literally so choked the whole time I just sat and tried not to cry! I cant explain but the tragedy of all that has been lost to drinking was like a ton if bricks falling on me. I think I am only just now ready to face the alcoholism.

The emphasis on my daughters well being is really the best motivation I can find to keep trucking. I have a very supportive family and I have been asking for help a lot. Desire the challenges she is a happy and bright toddler. Although I put her first I do also find it difficult to think too far into the future on how these times will effect her. This only leads me to feel a tremendous burden of guilt.
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Old 11-08-2012, 12:23 PM
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Welcome to SR.
The relationship you are in is not healthy for you or your child.
SR is a great place to start.
I'm fairly new & have left my alcoholic boyfriend recently.
I found that reading & gaining information on alcoholism has helped a lot.
Also the advices, friendship, support & information here is wonderful.
Glad you joined us.
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Old 11-08-2012, 01:15 PM
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Hi,
I'm glad you moved away from him. Being with a man who punches you and has continued to drink in spite of that must be incredibly frustrating. that would be enough to make a lot of people quit. I'm afraid to say I would keep my distance from him. He needs to quit drinking for good or he will start backsliding and the problems will never go away. Counseling is a good first step for him but unless he commits to sobriety it's unlikely he will ever change.

Like you I didn't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. I attempted to lecture, get angry, beg, scold, cry and pretty much anything else I could think of. He would tell me "I will do whatever I want and you will have nothing to say about it." Then he would get mad at me for not obeying his every command!

Such a loving, caring guy, huh? Anyway I second the recommendation for al-anon but most of all, when you give up hope that they will ever change you start to realize you can't really live with them the way they are. I'm sorry, it sucks so much.
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Old 11-08-2012, 01:26 PM
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Hi fml23,

Thanks for sharing. I wasn't married to my XABF, but I can tell you some of the things I did to find the "me" outside of the alcoholism, chaos, and frustration. I didn't know it at the time, but after my ex got a DUI, I went with him to AA about three times a week for 2-3 months, then continued to go once a week after he got his car back. At the time, I went to show support. Today, I see that experience as invaluable to who I am today. It's kind of ironic that I learned so much in AA. Sometimes when I would talk to him about AA, he got very defensive insisting that it was his program and not mine. That struck me as odd and come to find out, when he started to display these resentful behaviors was when he had in fact relapsed, but kept it a secret.

In addition to AA, I found SR. I am so grateful for SR. The stories and encouragement I receive on here gave me the courage to finally leave my ex after a three year rollercoaster. I also started going to Al-Anon. He went with me to my first meeting (similar to how I went to AA with him), but could not handle it and stopped going. It was too difficult for him to understand the other perspective. I, too, struggled through Al-Anon. I remember wanting to cry everytime I went. Every story people told resonated with me and for the first time in a long time I did not feel alone. I felt more alone in the three years with my ex than I had ever felt. I became very codependent. I needed and wanted him around me all the time. I wanted him to show and prove that he loved me.

AA, SR, and Al-Anon have worked for me. I tell my close friends about what I've learned to continue to remind myself and practice what I have learned. I've learned it's ok to want better, to want more. It's crazy that my time with my ex, he had me convinced that true happiness, the time when our relationship would get better was way into the future and that I had to be patient. The number of conversations we had and he kept telling me I HAD to be patient after three years really bothered me. How much more patient can I be? I learned it's ok to be impatient. I learned that I have to put myself first because he certainly was putting himself first.

I'd recommend starting with SR, but don't just read our stories. Read the newcomers stories, understand the alcoholic's perspective too and it will help you start putting together the pieces and in time, help you decide what to do.
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Old 11-08-2012, 06:13 PM
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fml23, welcome. I'm pretty new, too. SR is a wonderful place. I hate that we need it but am so grateful it's here. There is a lot of wisdom and support here, and people understand in a way that people who haven't been there cannot. I'm so glad that you want to find the "you." What I am learning every day is how much we CAN'T control our alcoholic husbands. We can only control ourselves.

I get very caught up in the back-and-forth stuff too. THe last few days, my husband hardly drank and it was nice. Tonight, I came home to THAT guy. Roller coaster. It's a struggle, and it's hard to know what to do, but as people here keep reminding me, nothing needs to be finalized today. I suggest you keep coming here, give alanon another try, and educate yourself. Melody Beattie's books are good. You might also benefit from Robin Norwood's Women Who Love Too Much. Check out the 'stickies' at the top.

Take care of yourself and your daughter. The rest will become clear in time.
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Old 11-08-2012, 06:51 PM
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Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you are living separately from your alcoholic husband, and encourage you to stay there with your parents for the sake of your young child. Your husband has a permanent condition. Alcoholism is for life. If he does not--on his own and without any coercion from you or anyone else--put himself into a committed program of abstinence and spiritual recovery and counseling, and sustain that for, in my opinion, a minimum of two years--he will remain a danger to you and your child should you try to live under the same roof.

Actions and sustained sobriety are what prove an alcoholic's worthiness to be a husband and a father, and that relies absolutely on time. Not words today. Not words in a month. Sustained, uninterrupted sobriety over time. People are too easy on alcoholics. They trust them too soon.

Some useful reading are these books:

Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews (you need this for backbone)
The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken (this describes the progressive stages of addiction)
The AA Big Book's first three chapters (found online at www.aa/bigbookonline)
How Al-Anon Works (available at meetings)

And we have a lot of information on codependency in the Sticky links on the opening page here. Codependency is essentially the loss of one's true self in order to sustain a relationship with an inappropriate partner. All of us here qualify, as we have all tried to bargain a way to keep an alcoholic or drug addict in our lives.

Stay with your parents for the good of your child. Things will get better for you eventually. But first they will likely get worse. That is the reality when we refuse to cooperate with addiction. When we upset the alcoholic's plans to maintain the status quo, things get worse.

But the alternative--submission--offers no hope at all.
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Old 11-08-2012, 06:52 PM
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I would also like to add that alcohol is a depressant. His issue is alcoholism.
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Old 11-09-2012, 04:53 AM
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Wow. Spent the night reading and reading all the wealth of info on the stickies. Gave me enough support to not contact my husband. I feel like I need a count down for days 'sober' from my alcoholic. I am glad to know I am not insane because of this compulsion to tell him
'One last time, one last way.' Not insane just need to change that behavior.

Englishgarden- I have to admit I read ur post a million times. At first it made me really really mad. I thought 'u don't know how things will turn out for me. U don't know my alcoholic.' But suddenly I thought, actually given that ur posting here, u probably do know my story. This dose of reality that my husband is in the throws if addictions sucks. And it IS getting worse.

Thanks all. In need if inspiration and I got it. One foot in front of the other...
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Old 11-09-2012, 06:11 AM
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Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
Wow. Spent the night reading and reading all the wealth of info on the stickies. Gave me enough support to not contact my husband. I feel like I need a count down for days 'sober' from my alcoholic. I am glad to know I am not insane because of this compulsion to tell him
'One last time, one last way.' Not insane just need to change that behavior.

Englishgarden- I have to admit I read ur post a million times. At first it made me really really mad. I thought 'u don't know how things will turn out for me. U don't know my alcoholic.' But suddenly I thought, actually given that ur posting here, u probably do know my story. This dose of reality that my husband is in the throws if addictions sucks. And it IS getting worse.

Thanks all. In need if inspiration and I got it. One foot in front of the other...
There is a wealth of knowledge and experience on this forum. Sad, but at least it is here for us. And some postings will be upsetting, and sometimes it is upsetting because we don't want to face up to reality and see things for what they really are.

EnglishGarden is one of my favorite posters here - she will not lead you astray, I promise. Sometimes what she says is a bit hard to take at first, but there is nothing malicious in her words - they are there to help YOU and to maybe help YOU recover more quickly than others have and get yourself to a better place in life. And isn't that what we all want?

Stick around, and keep posting when you need to - we're all here for you.

C-OH Dad
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Old 11-09-2012, 09:02 AM
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fml23, I appreciate your honest reaction.

What I write, in various posts on SR, is pretty much the basic message of an Al-Anon brochure titled: "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial." It describes the players in the alcoholic story, their repeated and forever looping behaviors--the alcoholic's tyranny over the family, the wife's resentments and attempts to control, the co-worker who covers for the alcoholic, etc.

I carried this brochure in my purse for a long, long time. I marked it up so much with underlinings that I had to get a replacement every so often. Every word of it proved true in my life with an alcoholic.

Since you have been to Al-Anon, and might continue, you might take a look at that brochure. And on here somewhere we have a condensed version of that brochure, perhaps in the stickies.

Anger is a very common reaction in the spouse who is fighting to keep her marriage and her family together as it is being destroyed by alcoholism. Eventually, we all reach a point of surrender, when all our attempts to control outcomes and others' behaviors fail miserably. We accept our powerlessness over alcohol and the alcoholic, we accept the reality of our situation. But reaching that point, which is the First of the Twelve Steps: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable"--is always preceded by much pain, anger, and despair.

You are right, though: I do not know how your story will turn out. But I think that all of us who have lived with active addiction know that the story of any family being decimated by someone's alcoholism is, at its core, the same story. That is what the brochure from Al-Anon so eloquently captures.
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Old 11-09-2012, 09:36 AM
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I agree with so much that has been said here, no need to repeat it!

I did want to make a comment about AlAnon. My first meeting I cried through the whole thing. Just sat there and cried. Just being there meant my denial was broken. And you know what? Someone in that room said, "Thank you for your tears. We know you've been keeping that inside for a long time and you can let them out safely here." That was a "wow" moment for me. I haven't cried at a meeting since -- but knowing that I can, and its OK, makes going to meetings easier. The people there will welcome me broken and they will welcome me healed. That's the amazing part about AlAnon for me.
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