Originally Posted by onlythetruth

Well, at a certain point I think it's important to simply accept that people are who they are, "recovery" status notwithstanding. We can try to diagnose and understand another person all day long, but in the end they will still be who they are.

I learned this lesson explicitly in my own first marriage. My husband was not addicted (to substances, anyway) but he was both controlling and emotionally limited. At first, when I got sober, I assumed that this was my fault. But after years of marriage counseling for us, and individual therapy for me, I finally came to the conclusion that the man was who he was and that in fact he deserved to be who he was. Who was I to say he should be different? All I could do was accept the situation. This required me to make a choice: to say or go. I left and have never regretted it. And I will say this: he is still exactly the same person he was before. Except now he's married to someone who is okay with all of it. A win for him, and a win for me, too, as I was also able to move on to a better relationship.

So....your BF clearly has both good qualities and bad. He engages in behaviors you don't care for and you don't appreciate, and you aren't fulfilled by the level of emotional intimacy he's capable of. Yet he's clearly a good person. Can you accept him the way he is? Because I don't really see another option here.