In a relationship with a long term sober man

Old 11-05-2012, 10:48 AM
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Unhappy In a relationship with a long term sober man

I'm in a relationship of just over 2 years with a man who has been sober for 25 years this February. In September, I noticed he had started betting on sports with some friends of his. He used to do this a long time ago, but to my knowledge has not engaged in this in the time that we have been dating. He tries to hide what he's doing - or just not acknowledge it since he does it right in front of me with texts, phonecalls, his odds book, and running in to check his computer when I am with him - and I don't understand why he wants to hide it since I'm not worried it will be a problem for him.

Now I am getting worried because we've had 2 nasty fights in 2 months - well, I fight and he just backs away - and at the root of why I want to fight with him is my anger about being so secretive about the betting.

Do I need to be concerned that he will start drinking again? What are some good resources or tips for how to emotionally engage with someone in recovery? Most of the time our relationship is great and I do love him, but after this time he still keeps me at arms length emotionally and won't let me "into" his life.


What can I do to make him more comfortable about opening up to me?
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Old 11-05-2012, 10:54 AM
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If after two years he is still holding you at arms length and not letting you into his life, that says a something, regardless of whether he is a recovering addict. Gambling is as addictive as alcohol and can ruin finances even more quickly.

I think I'd definitely be concerned.
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Old 11-05-2012, 11:03 AM
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Hi Jennifer1970,

Thanks for sharing. I would say...TRUST your instinct, TRUST yourself. I left my XABF two weeks ago and we had been together for three years. You know that after all this time, there are patterns that you catch onto. Alcoholics tend to be pretty predictable. It's a vicious cycle. Back in August, my intuition told me my ex had relapsed, had drank on more than one occasion, but each time he managed to explain his way out of it or just say he was feeling down and frustrated so I continued to ignore all the red flags because I myself was in denial. I wanted so badly to believe him. I didn't want to admit there was a problem. I wanted to believe he was still sober and we were still the same happy couple, but it was not true and eventually the truth caught up to the both of us. By the time I realized my hunch was right, the damage had been done. All I could do was walk away and be thankful that it could've been worse.

I should have known. He was back to isolating himself, being secretive, not being talkative, and he conveniently had an explanation for everything...I should have trusted myself, but I decided to trust him and his lies instead. I'm not saying your man is guilty and I certainly wish I could tell you how to engage with them when they are being that way, but I am saying I guess to trust your instincts. Go to Al-Anon. Read on SR. You'll find your answer and hopefully inner peace. If the alcoholic doesn't want to be honest then there is no force in the world that can make them be honest. No ultimatum or threat will make the truth come out. All we can really do is focus on us. All we can do is face our own truths.
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Old 11-05-2012, 11:09 AM
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There really isn't anything you can do to make someone be more comfortable with you and let you into their lives, he either wants to let you in or he doesn't.

He's 25 years into recovery, at this point he should have a solid plan of recovery and he should have a good handle on how he wants relationships and friendships to work. Granted, some people can be sober for 25 years and not work any plan of recovery and not be in any better place then someone that is a year into recovery, either way you can't make him open up to you.

I would probally talk to him about your feelings. I would just watch directing the convorsation in the direction of "You won't open up to me because you are in recovery", because quite frankly, taking these relationship problems and saying they are because someone is in recovery could be taking it out of context and be really insulting. At 25 years sober he is most likely not incapable of having strong relationships and being open.

I don't mean for this comment to seem rude or harsh, I just think that you need to treat this as any other relationship you had when it comes to the issue of him not opening up to you. As for the gambling, well gambling is addictive and can cause people to lose everything they have. As I said before, the best thing you could do is talk to your boyfriend.

Communication is usually the best way to figure out where you stand in a relationship and if there is a gambling problem manifesting.
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Old 11-05-2012, 11:42 AM
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Thanks to everyone for their input. There are some ways he DOES open up to me emotionally, he has talked to me about some of the abuse he's suffered in his childhood and things that have happened to him as an adult...I think one of the problems is that I am a communicator, I want to talk about EVERYTHING...he is very private. One issue arises when he won't do what I WANT him to do vs. what he wants to do...and that is an issue I need to work on.

I've ordered some Al-Anon books online and am looking for a local meeting. I have a new co-worker who is in recovery and she has already told me some things about recovering addicts that will be more helpful to me in understanding him.
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Old 11-05-2012, 11:52 AM
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I'm proud of you for taking the steps to order Al-Anon books and looking at local meetings. I have had to work on my own recovery and on my co-dependence issues with my also recovering boyfriend. It helps me alot to take a step back and look at what I can change within myself to make myself a happier, healthier, and better person all around. This site is also extremely helpful, and I hope you stick around and keep posting and reading what others have to share.
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Old 11-05-2012, 11:59 AM
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we alcoholics have to be very careful and check our motives. what i am reading is tellin me he is in denial of gambling being a problem. if it wasnt a problem, he wouldnt have a problem talking about it( thats my opinion).
IDK iffen hes in AA or not, but if he is, something that was done to me and got my attention( without knowing it) is my girlfriend talked to my sponsor about my behavior, then my sponsor approached me about it and called me out on it.
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Old 11-05-2012, 12:11 PM
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Tom that's interesting. How did she know who your sponsor was? He has not told me that, only that he's attending the same meeting where he got started 25 years ago and I think his original sponsor died.
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Old 11-05-2012, 12:52 PM
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she knew because i work at being honest and open about my life with her. i asked my sponsor about it and he said," i dont give a crap who ya tell that im yer sponsor as long as yer motives are right. its me that wont tell people i am your sponsor."
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Old 11-05-2012, 12:53 PM
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ann arbor... i know the area a lil bit. nice city.
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Old 11-05-2012, 03:11 PM
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After 25 years I wouldn't be overly worried about him drinking again. Frankly at a certain point I think worries about relapse often serve as a distraction from actual, present day issues....it's almost as if it's easier to talk about fears of relapse than it is to talk about what's REALLY going on.

And it seems to me that what's really going on here has nothing to do with drinking and not, in truth, a whole lot about betting. It's about the sense you have that he's keeping something from you, that he won't talk to you about it and this is part of a long-term pattern of keeping you at arm's length. That's what I'd want to talk to him about, and I would absolutely not frame the discussion as being about his "recovery".
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Old 11-05-2012, 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by onlythetruth View Post
After 25 years I wouldn't be overly worried about him drinking again. Frankly at a certain point I think worries about relapse often serve as a distraction from actual, present day issues....it's almost as if it's easier to talk about fears of relapse than it is to talk about what's REALLY going on.

And it seems to me that what's really going on here has nothing to do with drinking and not, in truth, a whole lot about betting. It's about the sense you have that he's keeping something from you, that he won't talk to you about it and this is part of a long-term pattern of keeping you at arm's length. That's what I'd want to talk to him about, and I would absolutely not frame the discussion as being about his "recovery".
ONLY, thank you for your reply. I had thought when I first found out about him being in recovery that 25 years seemed like a pretty safe bet that he wouldn't relapse...in truth, on our first date he kept giving me margaritas...LOL (but he had ulterior motives with THAT). He told me maybe last year that he still craves a drink almost every day, and the one time I had some wine at his house it made him very uncomfortable.

But I more worry because it seems to me - looking at pics of him before he quit and after - that he replaced drinking with eating...so I wonder, is he REALLY recovering? I guess I'm worried that the betting might progress, and I also wonder, what's going on with him that has made him "act out" this way? I do know that the 3 serious girlfriends he's had before me (and they span like 40 years - only one when he was sober. One he attributes to him GETTING sober - as she left him) all abandoned him and I wonder if our relationship troubles aren't connected to his emotional issues.

I really want to talk to him about going to counseling...I have NEVER said to him, "Oh, you act this way because you are in recovery." I actually really admire the strength and pure determination he has when he sets his mind on something. I think he just doesn't trust me yet...and I'm worried that maybe he CAN'T trust women, at least not as romantic partners. He has some friends at school that are long-time friends who are women.
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Old 11-05-2012, 04:19 PM
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It's called "trading up addictions". When I got sober in 1991 I turned to obsessive shopping, later food. He's hiding his actions from you so he knows he's doing something wrong, that gambling has brought conflict into your relationship. There's no difference in hiding bottles or hiding evidence of gambling. Whatever he does, you have no power over his actions. So perhaps it's time to take stock and ask yourself if this is what you want in a relationship?
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Old 11-05-2012, 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
It's called "trading up addictions". When I got sober in 1991 I turned to obsessive shopping, later food. He's hiding his actions from you so he knows he's doing something wrong, that gambling has brought conflict into your relationship. There's no difference in hiding bottles or hiding evidence of gambling. Whatever he does, you have no power over his actions. So perhaps it's time to take stock and ask yourself if this is what you want in a relationship?
Is it normal for this to just pop up out of nowhere? We've dated for 2.5 years and NOW he decides he's going to start gambling? It's football betting. I know this because he texts about it, or takes phone calls, or gets on the computer, or leaves his odds book out where I will see it...see he's not being very successful at "secrecy." This is the part I don't understand about addictive behavior...
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Old 11-05-2012, 07:26 PM
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Just a comment: length of sobriety doesn,t mean QUALITY sobriety. Some A,s are very emotionally damaged and have big problems with intimacy. I know I have one 35 years sober and he keeps me at arms length. Fear of closeness.
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Old 11-05-2012, 07:38 PM
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Sounds like he has an addictive personality. You mention food also, besides gambling.
but that's just a maybe.

What is for sure is that you are uncomfortable with a behavior of his, and you have brought this up and told him, and yet he thinks it is not a problem other than that you are invading his privacy? Do I have that right?
That's not a partnership, that's a selfish approach to issues when they arise. He may say that it is not an issue, doesn't matter...it is an issue to you, and he has dimished that, dismissed your feelings.
Watch him for other signs that there will always be a separation on certain issues. Bring up other things tactfully that are his business, and see if he shuts you out. The key here is recognizing patterns in behavior. If he insists upon too much separation and privacy, then you know your relationship will always be limited that way.
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Old 11-05-2012, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Earthworm View Post
Just a comment: length of sobriety doesn,t mean QUALITY sobriety. Some A,s are very emotionally damaged and have big problems with intimacy. I know I have one 35 years sober and he keeps me at arms length. Fear of closeness.
Earthworm, thank you so much for this post. One of the things I love about him is how much he will do for others - he's a high school gym teacher in an urban school district with a lot of troubled kids - he does things that make me so proud. But with me, he has a very hard time showing his emotions. Are you married to him? How long have you been together?
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Old 11-06-2012, 05:30 AM
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Well, at a certain point I think it's important to simply accept that people are who they are, "recovery" status notwithstanding. We can try to diagnose and understand another person all day long, but in the end they will still be who they are.

I learned this lesson explicitly in my own first marriage. My husband was not addicted (to substances, anyway) but he was both controlling and emotionally limited. At first, when I got sober, I assumed that this was my fault. But after years of marriage counseling for us, and individual therapy for me, I finally came to the conclusion that the man was who he was and that in fact he deserved to be who he was. Who was I to say he should be different? All I could do was accept the situation. This required me to make a choice: to say or go. I left and have never regretted it. And I will say this: he is still exactly the same person he was before. Except now he's married to someone who is okay with all of it. A win for him, and a win for me, too, as I was also able to move on to a better relationship.

So....your BF clearly has both good qualities and bad. He engages in behaviors you don't care for and you don't appreciate, and you aren't fulfilled by the level of emotional intimacy he's capable of. Yet he's clearly a good person. Can you accept him the way he is? Because I don't really see another option here.
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Old 11-06-2012, 06:38 AM
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Originally Posted by onlythetruth View Post
Well, at a certain point I think it's important to simply accept that people are who they are, "recovery" status notwithstanding. We can try to diagnose and understand another person all day long, but in the end they will still be who they are.

I learned this lesson explicitly in my own first marriage. My husband was not addicted (to substances, anyway) but he was both controlling and emotionally limited. At first, when I got sober, I assumed that this was my fault. But after years of marriage counseling for us, and individual therapy for me, I finally came to the conclusion that the man was who he was and that in fact he deserved to be who he was. Who was I to say he should be different? All I could do was accept the situation. This required me to make a choice: to say or go. I left and have never regretted it. And I will say this: he is still exactly the same person he was before. Except now he's married to someone who is okay with all of it. A win for him, and a win for me, too, as I was also able to move on to a better relationship.

So....your BF clearly has both good qualities and bad. He engages in behaviors you don't care for and you don't appreciate, and you aren't fulfilled by the level of emotional intimacy he's capable of. Yet he's clearly a good person. Can you accept him the way he is? Because I don't really see another option here.
ONLY this is great insight, thank you. I guess I am not really sure what he is capable of emotionally. I see his close relationships with other people, but these are family members and friends, not romantic partners. Part of me DOES suspect he may only be capable of so much intimacy, but then I see him trying to gain it in other ways in our relationship. I've wanted to go to counseling for a long time to try and work this out, but my insurance co-pay is so high it's not affordable...which is why I thought I'd try things like this resource, as well as some reading materials and Al-Anon meetings. If this is the only way he can ever be, then I need to decide if I can accept that or not.
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Old 11-06-2012, 06:54 AM
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My grandfather was sober 23 years and relapsed. I wouldnt say time has anything to do with whether or not someone will relapse. Luckily he only relapsed for a short time and then detoxed and got back on the sober train. It just goes to show though that time doesnt really mean anything.
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