StillMySon,
I have a 21yo alcoholic son. The truth is I never knew the depths of his addiction until his world started to crumble. He is a college senior and has been able to maintain his grades through all of his problems. My son was arrested several months back for underage possession of alcohol. That was a wake up call for me and I thought it was for him too. He woke up as long as the embarrassment of being arrested was there and then he was back to his old self. He started going to AA and seeing a counselor. I thought boy he is really kicking this thing. He moved into his own place and in all my naive thinking thought wow he is kicking this thing he must have not been as bad as most. The problem is he too was getting cocky at the same time and went out after being sober for about 3 weeks and got drunk and was arrested for public intoxication. He was truly broken. It was at this time that great people he met in AA including his sponsor really reached him. They had been there done that time and time again.
I had to help myself because I was losing it. I set firm boundaries and even though they were hard I set them for me. Not for my son. I didn't budge.
My boundaries
1) I will not live with an active alcoholic
2) I will not financially support an active alcoholic
3) I will live in peace in my home.
Boundaries will be different for each person but decide what you will and won't live with. I want my son to eat so he is welcome to come here and eat any time he wants to. I want him to graduate so anything that helps him get through college I'm willing to help. I don't give cash.
I'll be honest. When I read some of the comments back to me when I first started posting I thought they just don't know how really sweet my son is. The advice was harsh. I encourage you to look at it ALL as it comes in love and these people know where you are because they have been there at least once in there lives. I would also remind myself well they are dealing with spouses and you can't divorce children. But the truth is we can detach from the addicts. Detach with love.
One other thing that helped me so much was reading the thread for the newly recovering alcoholics. Reading their posts helped me understand my son's frame of mind, what the craving were like, and so much more. This gave me the ability to have some compassion for my son and not look at what he was doing to me. I took it personally and from reading the thread of people recovering I realized his addiction isn't about me at all. It's his addiction and he has decide if and when he wants help. Fortunately, it seems he is at that place now but I know enough to know there are usually relapses and the first year is very hard.