Originally Posted by
minisauros 
But like I said, I have been with her enough to know how hard of a struggle it is, and that that person she turns into when she relapses isn't the real her. That's why it's been hard to resist taking her back, something my kids don't get, nor should they.
First, a different approach here. Your girlfriend says that "she feels somehow emotionally invalidated because they don't like her ... and I don't respect her enough to stand up for her." I don't think there's anything wrong with a girlfriend wanting your kids to like her, or you to respect and stand up for her. It's a normal emotion. Take her at her word at least on that one. I also might go so far as to hear her tying the emotional invalidation to your not standing up to her, rather than on your kids liking her. Let's even give her that. Now, she herself brought up the key issue of "respect." So, consider the following exchange with your girlfriend:
"Hear me out, [gf]. I do and will gladly respect, stand up for and praise you when you are sober working a recovery program. I think my kids will do so too when they see a sustained change in that direction - as kids see things in more black and white terms than we adults do. I also will talk to the kids about the struggles and challenges of early recovery IF you are working a recovery program. But, under NO circumstances, will I stand up for you, give you respect or praise you when you drink or binge or use or engage in "dry drunk" behavior. That's a boundary for the kids and me only. I'm not telling you what to do or which way to go. You do what you need to do. It's your choice."
That likely can be better stated or put together. But that's the thought.
Second, unarrested alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease. So, "that person" you are referring to is always changing. There was the person you met clean, if that's when you met. Then there was the person who was socially drinking all the way to abusing and approaching the invisible line on this side of alcoholism. After crossing that line, the active alcoholic appeared and took center stage. Then, there may be a person who becomes sober but is a "dry drunk," working no recovery program. Then, there may be a person who is struggling hard in early recovery. Finally, there may be a person who is a long-time RA and who may have what Bill W. called "emotional sobriety." The AA Grapevine, Inc. (Jan. 1958).
IMHO, one
never gets back "that person" whose image one captured in one's mind.