minisauros

Am I invalidating her emotions by saying I don't think its best she be around my teenage daughters right now? (she's a binger and I detach when she falls off the wagon by breaking up with her) My daughters don't like her and think she's a poor choice for a girlfriend, and that has some merit. But she feels somehow emotionally invalidated because they don't like her... like they aren't entitled to their own opinions and I don't respect her enough to stand up for her. I have them a couple times a month, and I don't live with the alcoholic anymore, so I don't think it's too much to ask while she gets her footing in sobriety either. Am I wrong? Or am I missing something?

Katiekate

You are not invalidating her, you a setting a boundry, around your children, and rightly so. If they don't respect her they don't respect her because of the way she acts, it probably scares them.

They aren't invalidating her, they are invalidating her alcohlism.

She would prefer that you choose her alcoholism over your children.

She is playing victim. Who needs it.

lillamy

I don't know anything about your situation other than what you're saying in this post. It does seem fairly common, however, among alcoholics to feel that other people's feelings and actions, especially when those people detach due to the alcoholic's bad behavior, are unfair to them.

Your children are your first priority, and you are right to make it clear to them, and to her, that that is the case. If your children do not like her, that is their right, and I have a sneaky suspicion they may have very good reason. It sounds to me like this woman in jealous of your children, and the relationship you have with them. That is not a mature, adult way of reacting. A healthy adult understands and encourages a parent to prioritize their children's needs over that of other people.

You don't need this woman's approval for your actions (which is a good thing since you are unlikely to get it). One thing I've stressed to my children is that just because someone gets their feelings hurt doesn't necessarily mean you have done something wrong. I would venture to suggest that that is the case here: You haven't done anything wrong by protecting your children from the presence of an actively drinking alcoholic. On the contrary. The fact that the alcoholic's feelings are hurt by you protecting your children says nothing about you or your actions. It does, however, speak volumes about her emotional maturity.

I wonder, though, since this woman regularly puts herself in a state of being where you need to protect your children from her, what it is in this relationship that keeps you in it?

fluffyflea

Your daughters come first if she,s active. They don,t need to see that.

minisauros

Excellent question. I guess when she's sober and working her program, things are good between us, and there is love. But on the flip side like you pointed out there is a serious question of emotional maturity. I think she is fairly resentful of my daughters attitude towards her and doesn't like that I put them first. I've been working my program in alanon and trying to do the right thing for myself. I feel like I got sucked back in this time due to loneliness and attempting to date other people, then romanticizing the good times and starting to miss her... I'm sure a lot of people on here know the story.

JeffKan1

I'm in sort of a similar situation Mini, so I'll lend my support here for you. First, it would help us if you could give examples of your girlfriend's bad behavior when she drinks. But, assuming her behavior is completely unacceptable when she's had too much to drink, my g/f is the same way: she expects me to stand up for her in certain situations when she's been drinking, and then I'm the bad guy and as time goes on I'm even to blame for the whole situation. Is this sounding familiar?

Setting boundaries in my opinion is SO critical for your mental health. One thing that jumps out though... how many times have you broke up with her now? As hard as it may be, is it time for you to move on? If she admits she has a problem and stays with a program for a while, that's one thing. But if past behavior shows that she will continue to fall off the wagon in the future, might be time to do the extremely difficult task of telling her that you're done.

Just something to think about. Hang in there! Feeling a ton of pain in my situation here too, so I'm with ya. Looking forward to my next Al-Anon meeting.

Rosiepetal

I've just left my alcoholic boyfriend recently due to active alcoholism. We broke up several times due to his behaviour & he did hurt my kids feelings & wasn't nice to them when he was drinking. His behaviour was not acceptable but when I approached it with him he made out that I was too protective & put it all back on me & kids & made himself out to be the one that didn't do anything wrong & we were over-reacting. WRONG!
He failed to see the truth, or denied or did he even remember the events!
I put my children first & broke up with him.
I discussed the wrong behaviour with the children & they understand it was wrong.

minisauros

I guess her behavior when she drinks isn't directly harmful to them, her pattern is one of taking off with unhealthy people and isolating to be drunk. She has only been around my kids once or twice and that was when I was trying to sober her up. Their problem is that she relapses and they can see how it affects me. And they love me and want me to be happy with someone that doesn't have the ever present danger of becoming a trainwreck. But like I said, I have been with her enough to know how hard of a struggle it is, and that that person she turns into when she relapses isn't the real her. That's why it's been hard to resist taking her back, something my kids don't get, nor should they.

SadHeart

She's trying to invalidate them and their opinion and their freedom to make choices.

PaperDolls

Your children should come first in my opinion. They're teenagers. They should be able to decide who they want to hang out with - if they don't want to be around a drunk woman then good for them. May be you should listen to them about what sort of girlfriend she is to you. They sound smart.

laurie6781

Whether she is 'working a program' or not, your children MUST come first. Her
'feelings' about your daughters does not count.

Listen to your girls. They KNOW this woman is not good for you and certainly
not good for them.

Since she continues to relapse, it does NOT sound to me like she is working
much of, if any program at all and is just staying dry between binges.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship other than a lot of drama
and chaos in your life? Just curious.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

BlueSkies1

I think you're wrong here.
I think the person she turns into when she relapses is her ALSO.

How do you feel about her when you realize that?

Tuffgirl

If your kids came to you and told you a similar story to yours here, what advice would you give them?

Katiekate

Her behavior does harm them, they love you, it harms us when people we love are making choices that make the unhappy, turn the table around, if your child was in this situation, it would harm you. It's emotional harm.

Learn2Live

A grown woman who needs to be validated by children has some serious, serious problems and you need to keep such people away from your children. A grown woman should also be independent and busy enough that she can handle weekends away from you so that you can be with your children and devote all the attention to them you and they need.

OK, there ya go. So, you learned this about yourself last time; you can see clearly now how you got sucked back in. It's pretty obvious to me you do not want to be with this woman but you are having difficulty with your feelings and your sentimentality. So, maybe you could talk to a therapist to get some help learning how to deal with and manage your feelings. And Al-Anon can help you with learning to live in the Present Moment. I used to be the most sentimental person in the world and have learned its really just a matter of practice keeping myself in the Present Moment.

And regarding whether or not YOU invalidated her, a grown woman who cannot maintain her own sense of self and her integrity when you refuse to be manipulated by what she says are her feelings, has weak boundaries and makes a poor choice in a partner. Keep making the best decisions for yourself and your health, and your children. You teach those girls self-respect by having your own.

Hopeworks

Well... most relationships are temporary... especially with drunks. Although once we make the healthy decision to get off the roller coaster of pain and insanity you can't shake 'em off!

YOu get one chance to raise your kids and set an example. Nursing a drunk girlfriend, hovering and helicoptering so she can't get a drink while your kids are visiting for a few days out of the month is... just plain codie gone wrong.

It's bad enough if you have a drunk for a parent (I did) but for Pete's sake don't adopt one and bring it home for the weekend if you are not the primary parent!

And if your A was working a real authentic program of recovery you wouldn't be having these conflicts with her over YOUR kids! Tell her to check into detox for the weekend if she can't stay sober... you need to VALUE what little precious time we have with our kids!

Go make some memories with them... family is FOREVER and kids always, always, always come first. SHOW them healthy boundaries, what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and focused attention and love. Teenagers need their dad!

Adults each need to work their own recovery independently especially the A's... you are right on in your thinking and need to stick to your guns with your A.

Kudos for seeking out feedback from the forum...

Titanic

First, a different approach here. Your girlfriend says that "she feels somehow emotionally invalidated because they don't like her ... and I don't respect her enough to stand up for her." I don't think there's anything wrong with a girlfriend wanting your kids to like her, or you to respect and stand up for her. It's a normal emotion. Take her at her word at least on that one. I also might go so far as to hear her tying the emotional invalidation to your not standing up to her, rather than on your kids liking her. Let's even give her that. Now, she herself brought up the key issue of "respect." So, consider the following exchange with your girlfriend:That likely can be better stated or put together. But that's the thought.

Second, unarrested alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease. So, "that person" you are referring to is always changing. There was the person you met clean, if that's when you met. Then there was the person who was socially drinking all the way to abusing and approaching the invisible line on this side of alcoholism. After crossing that line, the active alcoholic appeared and took center stage. Then, there may be a person who becomes sober but is a "dry drunk," working no recovery program. Then, there may be a person who is struggling hard in early recovery. Finally, there may be a person who is a long-time RA and who may have what Bill W. called "emotional sobriety." The AA Grapevine, Inc. (Jan. 1958).

IMHO, one never gets back "that person" whose image one captured in one's mind.

minisauros

Thanks everyone for the words. It's given me a lot to consider.