I keep having to remind myself what the actual day to day miserable reality of living with him looked like. It meant never being heard, never feeling cared for or validated, never having my needs met, and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. There were some good times, but those were the exceptions. Sadly, this isn't exaggeration, it's just the way it was.
Wow, that is so a reminder of my life! I am in a very similar place and I have very similar thoughts. I can only share that I just go about everyday working on me, taking care of myself and son, and just trying make good choices in all the little things that I can. The big things can wait until they become more urgent than they are now. For now, I just try to be grateful for the peace that I have and accept that I do not have to beat myself up because I don't want to live in limbo, walk on eggshells, and take time away from my son to be a mother to an ungrateful AH.
Be kind to yourself and know that you are loved, no matter what happened with your parents. My parents disowned me because I did not want to be part of their religion anymore. I am dead to them. Took me years to get where I am with that, and it still hurts. But I am lovable, and I am loved, no matter what bad choices they made or even what bad choices I made.