Yes, the anger and entitlement really confuse me. I feel anxious today. I question how he will respond to my emails. What now? I don't want a power struggle. I am just speaking the truth to him. I am trying to think of other things, but I am anxious. I have purposivly left me phone in the car, uncharged so I can't check my email. I have also made a promise to myself to not even read his email, and just delete it. I just don't care anymore. Well, I do. I am just sick of it. I am sick of being stressed about money. I am sick about being stressed out about my sons education. I feel like I am not good enough for my son and need to devote more attention. I am tired and exhausted and feel like I am always either rushing to work or rushing to my son. I am always rushing. I am always being pulled in every direction. I am trying to raise a wonderful human being. All of this bymyself with absolutely NO HELP from this man child. This man child who puts no effort into his son, but feels like he is father of the year. This man child who blames me for everything, when in fact, I have tried to do nothing but keep my family together. I am lonely and I have lost a lot. And I have to deal with this loser who can't even pay the bare min. of child support? Who can't even make consistent visits? Who disappears for 2.5 months and pretends he didn't. He thinks I should just turn my head and give him what he wants, but no, I was honest with him and told him the truth. He is now pissed. Pissed at himself and taking it out on me anyway he can. Grasping at anything he can because he feels like he has lost control. Well, he has. I am not power hungry. I am not fighting with him for power. I am doing what is right for my son, btu he is unable to see the truth. And when the truth is told, he gets angry. So very angry. And I have to deal with him for the next 14 years, or until he dies or goes to jail. He is worthless to us right now. I would have more respect for him if he realized he offers us nothing but pain and just left us be. If he can't get sober, go away. He won't even admitt he has a problem. He has lost everything. He has nothing. And he STILL can't admit he has a problem! It is all about pride and his ego. He keeps digging further and further in the ground screaming "I'm fine. Watch this. I will show you" He is so far gone. SO mentally incapable. He has no clue what it is like to be a parent, yet a man. He is just pretending. And one day it will catch up with him. One day he will sink even further than where he is now. It can't last where he is now. Now, he being enabled by a controlling older alcholic coke *****. I guess when you have money, it can last longer than you think.
Anyways, I will snap out of it. Just riding the waves of addiction. Sometimes up and sometimes down. The hardest part is following my mantra:
I WILL NOT ALLOW HIS CRAZINESS TO AFFECT MY EMOTIONS ANY LONGER.
This is really hard as I am a very sensitive and intuitive person.
But, I have to focus on the good. Focus on the good. Focus on the good.
And, amongst this madness, there is A LOT of good!
He isn't worth it.
I can't wait until he isn't even a thought. Or if he is, he is just a quick thought that goes away with no emotion.
He is a jerk.
Thanks for your support!!!!
I will get thru this mess!
THINK OF ALL THE GOOD!!!!