The Big Book of AA has some of the answers you are looking for. For myself, the most baffling thing was how I always ended up hurting and alienating people, even though my intention was just to have a good time when I picked up that first drink. I never set out to be like that, but I became increasingly selfish and self centred, my life towards the end of my drinking was run on pure instinct. I crashed my way through peoples lives hurting them and they often retaliated.. Sometimes I was beaten up, other times ostracised. But I always knew I was in the wrong. I felt bad, guilty, remorseful about my behaviour but could not front up as a normal person might. I continued to drink and matters just got worse.
When I recovered, I learned, among other things, that I must clean up the wreckage of the past if I want to stay sober. The memories of the people I hurt haunted me, there was no escape, I had to make amends or drink again. In my experience no real alcoholic can be happily sober unless they have done their utmost to set right past wrongs. The first example of this was AAs co-founder Dr Bob who initially refused to make his amends. He got drunk. Then he made his amends and never drank again.