Originally Posted by
Tuffgirl 
Ok, folks, don't skewer me here, but imagine how it must feel to be an addict. This is not excusing the lack of accountability or personal responsibility, only being used as an example. Imagine how painful it must be to acknowledge your life is seriously out of control by your own doing. Imagine the shame of realizing you are NOT the person you thought you were (instead you are a mean, spiteful, narcissistic drunk). Imagine having to stop, look over your shoulder, and see with realistic eyes the destruction you've made in your wake. The lost jobs, divorces/separations, kids you lost custody of, DUI's, a pile of unpaid bills, etc... i can only imagine the underlying shame. But we can read about it in the other forums on this site. Denial is not 100% perfect - I do believe most people know, underneath all the layers of quacking, that there is a problem.
Very well said, Tuffgirl. This is something I see RAH struggle with every day & it's hard from both of our points of view. Looking at it from this perspective also helps me to understand why so many addicts get overwhelmed when they begin sobriety when all of these little pieces don't just fall into place & get better overnight.
The shame is currently eating RAH alive but I can't save him from himself any more now than I could when he was drinking. He HAS to develop coping mechanisms & techniques on his own. I use many, but he still stubbornly refuses many methods that might ease his daily life. (yoga, meditation, changing his diet/exercise, quitting smoking, etc.) I told him he's like a horse I can't lead to water, because he already lives at the lake.
Like you said, none of it excuses his alcoholic behavior or decisions. But it helps me to understand everything better.