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Must Be Hard to Be So Perfect

Old 10-25-2012, 06:59 AM
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Must Be Hard to Be So Perfect

So, Wife calls me this morning all PO'd, won't say why, initally. Last night after dinner I left something dirty in the sink instead of cleaning it up. So, she was all put out because she "is always the one cleaning up everyone else's messes, and I'm just tired of it."

Oh yeah, that's right, I never lift a finger around the house!!! I'm the one who does the dishes most days, does all the outside work, and cleans the house more and spends more time with our son. Yet, she is so tired of doing everything.

It must be hell for her being so perfect!

Sorry to vent....
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:07 AM
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Her addiction seems to be working really hard to maintain the status quo. Do you think she has noticed changes in you and the way you are dealing with her?
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:20 AM
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Yeah, CentralOhioDad, I agree with what SparkleKitty said. The worse she feels about herself, the more she needs to deflect attention blame) on to you----even if she has to work hard to find something.

When A's are playing the "blame game" they can come across so arrogant that it is mind-blowing!!

Have you read QUACKERS? You owe this delight to yourself, if you haven't. Go to search at the top of this page and you can find it. You will laugh and cry at the same time. But, it spells out the daily reality of what living with alcoholism is like.

Dandylion.
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:24 AM
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Or the Things a "normie" wouldn't know thread ...
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:25 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Have you read QUACKERS? You owe it to yourself, if you haven't. Go to search at the top of this page and you can find it. You will laugh and cry at the same time. But it spells out the daily reality of what living with alcoholism is like.

Dandylion.
I have read some of those, it is truly amazing. I've been pretty good about not getting caught up in all the crap that is flung my way, but this morning really got me steamed. And I'm kinda mad at myself for reacting.
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:25 AM
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Agreed!!! Quack, quack, quack!

Definitely sounds like she's trying to get a rise out of you, don't fall for it!
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
Definitely sounds like she's trying to get a rise out of you, don't fall for it!
Too late!!! I got sucked in..
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:31 AM
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Sorry but to me it just sounds like normal wife/husband bickering...I wouldn't look too deeply OhioDad.
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad View Post
Too late!!! I got sucked in..
It doesn't have to be too late!

If you identify the trap & see how you went wrong by getting drawn in & reacting, think through how you would rather handle it next time. Even if it's something silly... like I remember one poster here shared that whenever the A in their life starts quacking, they envision their heads turning into duck faces & literally quacking... which distracts them from the drama of the moment long enough to pull themselves back from the edge & even makes them giggle a little at the visualization.

For me, with AH, I had to just STOP. Stop talking, stop interacting, walk away. No matter what I did/said/whatever he found a way to use it as fuel. But when I left the conversation he could only quack alone. Find what works for you.

Then, when it happens again & you get caught up emotionally you can stop yourself from getting sucked in by using whatever little technique helps you.

Progress, not perfection, right?
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:57 AM
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Dear CentralOhioDad, don't place anger on yourself for reacting. To react is normal (assuming appropriateness). It is really not a "normal" marriage to go around detaching all the time just in order not to trigger explosions.

In "normal" marriages, comments are made;comments are heard;negotiations are initiated; resolutions are reached;laughter is heard;there is love and growth;etc...........

I believe that it is enormously exhausting to be constantly on guard to detach, detach, detach.....

You are human, after all.

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Old 10-25-2012, 09:45 AM
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"you could be right"
"I hate you feel that way"
"oh ok"
are a few of the defusing statements I learned to use when facing those "no answer" arguements ~
To me, I began to be able to tell when my exah was just looking for a fight ~ sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't ~
learning NOT to pick up the rope in the tug of war for the battle of control is the biggest battle ~
I also learned that I didn't have to convince anyone of anything that I knew to be true - if I knew it to be true - why did I have to waste energy & effort convincing someone else ~

You know how much "housework" you do - why does she have to see it to validate it ~
You're awesome & you know it!

PINK HUGS!
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Old 10-25-2012, 09:55 AM
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I did exactly what MsPink said. It really does work to defuse the situation.

It was not a great strategy for me in the long run - perhaps because I got stuck there. I think it is a wonderful strategy in the short term though. I did that before SR and al-anon so it is also possible that had I had some better 'recovery' I could have detached better and maybe it wouldn't have felt so self-destructive.
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Old 10-25-2012, 10:15 AM
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I am agreeing with everyone about the use of the detaching tools. When living with my A's, it decreased my battles by about 90%! When I learned about how the A's cut us down so much because they are deflecting from themselves (shame, low-esteem, etc..), and, then learned the "tools"----I thought I had discovered fire!!!

All I am musing about is when one looks at the big picture of their life---how exhausting and wasteful it is to be constantly on guard in a close relationship for a long period of time.

Of course, it is always good to have something in your toolbox to diffuse unwanted battles--at any time in your life. I guess I just see the tools as short-term maeuvers--not for long-term primary techniques for interacting. If one needs them all the time--something is wrong, somewhere.

Just my thoughts.

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Old 10-25-2012, 05:13 PM
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My husband is not an A and neither am I. I've been PO'ed at him for the same small things many times. Sometimes it's not about the drug or drink, it's just about being married. Everything in life sucks occasionally. If it didn't wouldn't we get bored?
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Old 10-25-2012, 06:00 PM
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This kind of arguing just always made me totally nuts. You should try being around someone who's a perfectionist and a compulsive neat freak. I swear there were times when I just wanted to throw a dish at his head.
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Old 10-26-2012, 04:19 AM
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Hey there COD...hang in there. I agree about what everyone said about detaching and diffusing. But just wanted to share that I do know how you feel. I swear, there were times when I think the AH was just waiting for me to "leave a dish in the sink" so that he could blow his top over something. Crazy!

When she is like that, think:
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Old 10-26-2012, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Leftover View Post
My husband is not an A and neither am I. I've been PO'ed at him for the same small things many times. Sometimes it's not about the drug or drink, it's just about being married. Everything in life sucks occasionally. If it didn't wouldn't we get bored?
And I understand your point, and I appreciate it. However, from my past posts I've stated that the Wife blames me for EVERYTHING wrong in our relationship, and the world. That's why it gets me so frustrated. Nothing is every her doing or responsibility - everyone is wrong, she's right, and she has to fix/mop it/clean up - everyone else's f-ups.

That's my point. That's what is so tiring
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Old 10-26-2012, 06:32 AM
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Yep, COD, I hear you. You do everything, quite literally, and somehow it "all" ends up your fault....

Hang in there. After I had been gone from our home for a couple of months, my AH confessed in a moment of weakness (and lucidity!!!), I never knew how much you did.

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Old 10-26-2012, 08:12 AM
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad View Post
And I understand your point, and I appreciate it. However, from my past posts I've stated that the Wife blames me for EVERYTHING wrong in our relationship, and the world. That's why it gets me so frustrated. Nothing is every her doing or responsibility - everyone is wrong, she's right, and she has to fix/mop it/clean up - everyone else's f-ups.

That's my point. That's what is so tiring
Yes, its very tiring. I remember those days and how desperate I was to get away. It's a theme in my journals...which now is sad to read, how much I hated being held responsible for everything and everyone.

Denial is a powerful tool that I don't think we (human beings) really understand well. I saw an interesting version of it right up to the last couple days of my friend's life, and within her own family. I feel it in myself, the desire for this last couple of weeks not to be real, and when the reality hits me, I feel physically sick to my stomach. I've read quite a few places that denial actually serves a purpose - it keeps us from having to experience things until we are fully ready (or in my case, in little doses).

Ok, folks, don't skewer me here, but imagine how it must feel to be an addict. This is not excusing the lack of accountability or personal responsibility, only being used as an example. Imagine how painful it must be to acknowledge your life is seriously out of control by your own doing. Imagine the shame of realizing you are NOT the person you thought you were (instead you are a mean, spiteful, narcissistic drunk). Imagine having to stop, look over your shoulder, and see with realistic eyes the destruction you've made in your wake. The lost jobs, divorces/separations, kids you lost custody of, DUI's, a pile of unpaid bills, etc... i can only imagine the underlying shame. But we can read about it in the other forums on this site. Denial is not 100% perfect - I do believe most people know, underneath all the layers of quacking, that there is a problem.

Anyway, just my musing this am on cup of coffee #2. Really no point to this. But OhioDad, I can assure you my life is much more peaceful knowing I am not wholly responsible for the world's ills. There is a light at the end of this tunnel; it just may not be the light you are hoping to see.
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Old 10-26-2012, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Ok, folks, don't skewer me here, but imagine how it must feel to be an addict. This is not excusing the lack of accountability or personal responsibility, only being used as an example. Imagine how painful it must be to acknowledge your life is seriously out of control by your own doing. Imagine the shame of realizing you are NOT the person you thought you were (instead you are a mean, spiteful, narcissistic drunk). Imagine having to stop, look over your shoulder, and see with realistic eyes the destruction you've made in your wake. The lost jobs, divorces/separations, kids you lost custody of, DUI's, a pile of unpaid bills, etc... i can only imagine the underlying shame. But we can read about it in the other forums on this site. Denial is not 100% perfect - I do believe most people know, underneath all the layers of quacking, that there is a problem.
Very well said, Tuffgirl. This is something I see RAH struggle with every day & it's hard from both of our points of view. Looking at it from this perspective also helps me to understand why so many addicts get overwhelmed when they begin sobriety when all of these little pieces don't just fall into place & get better overnight.

The shame is currently eating RAH alive but I can't save him from himself any more now than I could when he was drinking. He HAS to develop coping mechanisms & techniques on his own. I use many, but he still stubbornly refuses many methods that might ease his daily life. (yoga, meditation, changing his diet/exercise, quitting smoking, etc.) I told him he's like a horse I can't lead to water, because he already lives at the lake.

Like you said, none of it excuses his alcoholic behavior or decisions. But it helps me to understand everything better.
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