Tuffgirl

Yes, its very tiring. I remember those days and how desperate I was to get away. It's a theme in my journals...which now is sad to read, how much I hated being held responsible for everything and everyone.

Denial is a powerful tool that I don't think we (human beings) really understand well. I saw an interesting version of it right up to the last couple days of my friend's life, and within her own family. I feel it in myself, the desire for this last couple of weeks not to be real, and when the reality hits me, I feel physically sick to my stomach. I've read quite a few places that denial actually serves a purpose - it keeps us from having to experience things until we are fully ready (or in my case, in little doses).

Ok, folks, don't skewer me here, but imagine how it must feel to be an addict. This is not excusing the lack of accountability or personal responsibility, only being used as an example. Imagine how painful it must be to acknowledge your life is seriously out of control by your own doing. Imagine the shame of realizing you are NOT the person you thought you were (instead you are a mean, spiteful, narcissistic drunk). Imagine having to stop, look over your shoulder, and see with realistic eyes the destruction you've made in your wake. The lost jobs, divorces/separations, kids you lost custody of, DUI's, a pile of unpaid bills, etc... i can only imagine the underlying shame. But we can read about it in the other forums on this site. Denial is not 100% perfect - I do believe most people know, underneath all the layers of quacking, that there is a problem.

Anyway, just my musing this am on cup of coffee #2. Really no point to this. But OhioDad, I can assure you my life is much more peaceful knowing I am not wholly responsible for the world's ills. There is a light at the end of this tunnel; it just may not be the light you are hoping to see.