I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting today. Nervous-happy-scared-hopeful.
I have done a lot of reading on what I am going through & the role I played. I did turn in to a codependent in most ways. Yes, he did ask for my help & I was naive at first but I should never have let it spiral the way it did.
One of the things I am doing to prepare for the meeting as well as heal me is being HONEST with myself.
I can recall a number of times I thought to myself or said to my AH "I feel like I'm playing the role of the victim & I never have been a victim". I can recall a number of times thinking to myself that I deserve better but felt stuck financially & legally & stayed. I recall a number of times feeling like I wish I'd never met him & he would just disappear.
But I didn't end it... I kept trying to FIX it. Don't get me wrong, I was/am very in love with my husband but what I realize is- that person isn't around any more.
I recall after each return from the "vanishing husband" routine that he would cry & tell me he didn't deserve me. Is this true? I don't think so but I think it's his way of understanding he can't be anything for anyone as the only time he is happy is after a few drinks...which turn in to a lot of drinks...which turns in to self hate & taking it out on me. It's all very heart breaking & HE deserves better. I hope he finds his smile again someday...
So... I have high hopes that today will be a good day. I plan on learning/listening to as much as I can absorb at the meeting, hopeful to hear from that job today & spending time on the finishing touches of my apartment. Another thing(s) I enjoy & have stopped doing because I've been so wrapped up in fixing & depression is taking random pictures while walking around the city & working on art. Being depressed & consumed with my AH has made my creative side completely disappear. I miss it! So today I also plan on trying to do something creative. So far each time I do try I just stare, waiting to have some inspiration & never do. I know I can get it back, it's something I love & will keep staring until something happens.
