Being honest with myself

Old 10-22-2012, 09:43 AM
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Being honest with myself

I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting today. Nervous-happy-scared-hopeful.

I have done a lot of reading on what I am going through & the role I played. I did turn in to a codependent in most ways. Yes, he did ask for my help & I was naive at first but I should never have let it spiral the way it did.
One of the things I am doing to prepare for the meeting as well as heal me is being HONEST with myself.

I can recall a number of times I thought to myself or said to my AH "I feel like I'm playing the role of the victim & I never have been a victim". I can recall a number of times thinking to myself that I deserve better but felt stuck financially & legally & stayed. I recall a number of times feeling like I wish I'd never met him & he would just disappear.
But I didn't end it... I kept trying to FIX it. Don't get me wrong, I was/am very in love with my husband but what I realize is- that person isn't around any more.

I recall after each return from the "vanishing husband" routine that he would cry & tell me he didn't deserve me. Is this true? I don't think so but I think it's his way of understanding he can't be anything for anyone as the only time he is happy is after a few drinks...which turn in to a lot of drinks...which turns in to self hate & taking it out on me. It's all very heart breaking & HE deserves better. I hope he finds his smile again someday...

So... I have high hopes that today will be a good day. I plan on learning/listening to as much as I can absorb at the meeting, hopeful to hear from that job today & spending time on the finishing touches of my apartment. Another thing(s) I enjoy & have stopped doing because I've been so wrapped up in fixing & depression is taking random pictures while walking around the city & working on art. Being depressed & consumed with my AH has made my creative side completely disappear. I miss it! So today I also plan on trying to do something creative. So far each time I do try I just stare, waiting to have some inspiration & never do. I know I can get it back, it's something I love & will keep staring until something happens.
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Old 10-22-2012, 10:02 AM
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It WILL be a good day for you! Glad to read this Rainee You're making amazing progress! Life's got lots of great surprises for you to discover as you navigate this new path with your head held up.
One of the best things I did in my codie recovery was to get completely honest with myself. It wasn't a walk in the park but facing myself & my own past was one of the necessary catalysts for my new fantastic life
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Old 10-22-2012, 11:16 AM
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Good for you rainiee!!! You're getting it so well and so early.

Just remember these Al-Anon slogans for your meeting and recovery program:
EASY DOES IT - you don't have a quiz or exam tonight, and this program takes time!

LISTEN AND LEARN - there's a reason we have two ears and one mouth!

KEEP AN OPEN MIND - the things that taught me the most were those that were the hardest to swallow at first, and "life-changing help can take any avenue, any form, and any voice [including newcomers]." How Al-Anon Works, page 73 [& 108 as to newcomers](2008).
Also check out the readings in Courage to Change, pages 71 & 292.

Attend at least six meetings and try different groups.

Peace.
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Old 10-22-2012, 11:49 AM
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Well crap!! The meeting is in 10 minutes and my friend taking me isn't coming (had to call & see if she was on the way) now. I don't have a car & can't make it in time now.

My instant reaction was wanting to cry out of frustration & disappointment. I do feel like she gave me a song & dance. However... I feel that this gut reaction feelings I'm having is based on my emotions running FAR to high right now & the fact that I am emotionally unhealthy right now. I'm going to use this as a learning tool of "If I want something it's up to ME to do it & don't be disappointed in others for letting you down". Who knows why she blew me off after she offered to do this. I have no idea what is going on in her life & have no control over it.

So, there is another meeting tomorrow within walking distance of me & I will go to that tomorrow, on my own, as I am in control of MY reality. Right now I crave if I'm going to feel disappointment it is not because of any other reason than I let myself down.

I do truly hate every minute of what is happening as does anyone else in my shoes or similar & look forward to looking back on all this in a healthy way some day. GRR!
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Old 10-22-2012, 12:50 PM
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Sorry to hear that rainiee but, on the bright side, you have a great recovery attitude!

You can hear Al-Anon step or topical podcasts online anytime. You also can download them to your smartphone or iPod so you have them on-the-go whenever you need them. The iTunes Store has step podcasts free as well.

Online. Just press the Play arrow and then "Listen and Learn" here:

Using Al-Anon's Steps in Our Personal Lives

&

First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery
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Old 10-22-2012, 12:57 PM
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Way to take the unexpected cancellation in stride!
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