Mrs Dragon,
I think your initial question was a good one; the relationship between work, parenting, and relationships. Based on the experience with my husband, I don’t agree with that one year rule thing in any way shape or form; I would opt to determine on an individual basis what a person is capable of.
My husband was allowed to take 3 months off work to go to rehab. He did not get into trouble at work, but he came clean with them when he agreed to enter detox. It was really hard for him and he was scared. He has a job he loves, and he went to school for it, has special certifications and all that. Losing that would have really been a blow to him emotionally. While he was in rehab, the last month in particular he was able to begin picking up small assignments from his boss. Just things to get him up to speed on a new project, and allow him to start thinking and presenting ideas; that type of thing.
I do know that it caused him some stress at first. I was afraid it would be too much for him, but I think because it really all came naturally for him after he got back into the swing of it, he relaxed. He did ask to get a transfer to a different building, different project so he would not be around the people he worked with and did drugs with. And just thinking about it now, he was not asked if there were others that were using drugs, or to squeal on his old set of friends.
Like I said, I don’t think you can decide except on a case by case basis about these things; my husband is doing well and is now almost 7 months clean. He is also a good husband, and a great dad to our little one, but that’s not the case for everyone by any means.
Since people have been commenting on your son. I agree with “Leftover” comments. Your son is an adult, and it doesn’t sound like you are enabling him. What your husband did to remove him from his job, take away his car, and Im sure other perks was not easy on either of you I would guess. There is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain a relationship with him as long as it does not harm you personally. I personally think it is a really good thing, and I think your son is lucky to have such caring parents.
I will also say a prayer for your family, and I hope that your son reaches a point where he wants to clean up his act. If it is any comfort; my husband used for about a year, we separated, he was able to afford his own place, he kept his job, he never had any legal trouble, he didn’t become ill (except with withdrawals), and he says the feeling just came upon him slowly that he did not want to live that way anymore. He wasn’t going to be the person he wanted, have the things in his life he wanted if he kept up using drugs. And then he asked for help. So I pray your son has a high-bottom like my husband, and he escapes with minimal scars.