Thank you so much everyone. Yes I found myself today feeling as if I was just well ...bored and lonely ...not so much even hurt anymore - as the roller coaster of the past difficult week is finally dying down. For the first time I went over to the other side of this forum to read through posts by recovering alcoholics. I felt quite shocked and sad to see the difference in their posts. I feel quite bad to have lived with someone with this problem for such a long time and been unable to see or appreciate their pain. I found myself feeling bad that I had always thought it was all something he did to be bad to me as opposed to a terrible problem that he had. I would not wish to swap places with either my STBXAH or his gf for anything. I don't know if the situation has addled my brain but I suddenly felt today that I hope she could bring some comfort to him - and hope that maybe they really do like each other. Yet part of me is just ticked off that he had/has this disease and what an inconvenience that is for me!! After work today ( my non-paid voluntary work I mean) I just felt ...empty like my life was flat...boring, empty, lonely and I have not much motivation to do anything, nothing to look forward to etc etc. Yes most definitely a void is there and I have no belief that will ever change...but I suspect that is just a phase in my thinking right now. I just don't want to feel what we call that 'washing machine head' we talk about in my Al-anon group anymore...it is a horrible feeling. I'm off to an Ashram on the 7th of November for a week of 'spirituality' ...never been to one but I hope it does me some good. Thank you so so much everyone for posting you have made me really feel there is someone there for me .