heartbroken at being replaced by AH

Old 10-17-2012, 04:07 PM
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heartbroken at being replaced by AH

After being married to my AH for 26 years I felt I was no longer able to cope and very fortunately for me had to travel to a different country to help out with our son. Once I had some space i had to admit to myself how badly i had been treated by my AH. I started to notice that i was no longer going to sleep with my heart pounding full of hurt from his abuse. In December i finally told him i had started spending a lot of time with someone else and could not return to him while he was still drinking. I really thought he would make some attempt to save the marriage. Without any consultation or conversation he filed for divorce, got a girlfriend so young who if he had gone near 10 years ago he would have been arrested! (we are both in our late 40's) He has completely cut me out of his life to the point that he refused to even acknowledge my presence on the day of our daughters wedding 2 months ago. He refuses to speak to me and put the phone down if i ever called ( i don't anymore). I find myself lost . He is saying he is drinking much less with his new gf and has told her he will make sure he spends lots of time with her and they will take trips together etc etc all the things that he refused to pay any attention to in our marriage. I am so hurt i feel I cannot function - i started going to al-anon in june and while I understand that i have to focus on myself -i am having a tough time dealing with the reality of being so totally replaced so quickly. Has anybody else been dumped by an alcoholic who then goes on to live the second perfect marriage?
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Old 10-17-2012, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
Has anybody else been dumped by an alcoholic who then goes on to live the second perfect marriage?
Welcome, CR995. And not to my knowledge after almost 2 years on this forum and over 2 years in Al-Anon have I heard of an alcoholic going onto live a perfect life, with or without anyone, without getting physically and emotionally sober first.

I know it hurts now, but the time will come that you will be thanking this young and naive woman for taking him off your hands.

Keep reading here, and the other forums on this site, and keep coming back.
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Old 10-17-2012, 04:27 PM
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I refused to marry my XABF so can't weigh in on the last question. I don't blame you for feeling awful, you had 26 yrs with him so it is understandable. Frankly, I don't think the new woman in his life will fare much better than you. Sounds like he's playing games in the name of jealousy & trying to throw these claims in your face - please do keep focusing on yourself & the progress you've made so far. Were you trying to make him jealous at all to propel him into making changes when spending time with someone else? If you were, both of you are still playing the same game to some degree.

Alcoholics + perfect marriage = NON-EXISTENT. A man that has made no real changes in 26 yrs with you & isn't completely 100% committed to a recovery program has little chance at having any kind of healthy relationship. Remember the reality & please try to not allow unproven assumptions to take over your thoughts. This may be a good time to list some of the worst incidences that have occured in your old relationship which caused you to end it. We need to really ground ourselves when those emotional waves threaten to drown us. Much love to you.
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Old 10-17-2012, 04:34 PM
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Welcome, CR995.

More than likely he's lying to you because he knows how vulnerable you are to his abuse.

Keep reading here, it will help more than you know right now. Be sure to ask for help if you need it. Take care of yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You deserve it.
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Old 10-17-2012, 04:45 PM
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My husband left me for my best friend, we were all on drugs.
I slept on the floor of a flat where I relocated with my kids. She slept in my bed in my house with my husband.
She got my husband & my house. But she didn't get my kids.
They are still together to this day but I know they've had their ups & downs.
It definitely hurts at the time.
Now I just think they are made for each other hee hee.
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Old 10-17-2012, 05:00 PM
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My guess is that he is lying if he says he is not drinking as much and even if things are good right now(honeymoon phase). It will eventually end up the way your abusive relationship did. So just sit back and watch.

Mine met a girl that lives 5 hours away and dropped me like a bad habit. He wouldnt even acknowledge me for 8 months. No ryme or reason as to why?
Just as you, he quit taking my phone calls. He wouldnt answer the door if I went to his house. No contact at all, and I did absolutley nothing wrong.

After 8 months, she started seeing the real him. She started calling him out. Basically the honeymoon was over and guess who started calling me again?


I finally walked away about a month ago and he said ok, cool. So, I get the feeling of being completely invested into a relationship and then finding out that you dont matter. That you are worthless.

I promise you though. His true colors will come out and it might not seem like it now, but this other girl is your savior.

I actually told the other woman in our relationship thank you, because she had saved me!!!!!

Keep reading these posts. The people here will help educate you. You deserve better!!!!
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Old 10-17-2012, 05:04 PM
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He is saying he is drinking much less with his new gf and has told her he will make sure he spends lots of time with her and they will take trips together etc etc all the things that he refused to pay any attention to in our marriage.
And mine is saying he has to fight women off with a stick. Funny thing is, he's always alone...

Alcoholics LIE. It's what they do. I bet he wants you to believe that "guess what, honey, if you had JUST stuck it out a little longer, I WOULD HAVE BECOME PRINCE CHARMING."

Fat. Chance.

My AXH e-mailed me and told me he was marrying a girl who was not only YOUNGER but NICER and above all SKINNER than I was. It appears he failed to inform the girl, however, and she is no longer in his life.

Alcoholics lie. It's what they do. Pay no attention to that. Move along. You have the whole rest of your life in front of you! Go live it!
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Old 10-17-2012, 05:13 PM
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I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It feels awful to feel as though you have been replaced.

A common saying around here is "more will be revealed". So far, that has been true for me and my STBXAH. Just wait, the 'real' alcoholic him will come shining through, no matter how much he has tried to cover it up. After 13 years with my AH, he decided to get a girlfriend and lead a whole other life with her for the past year. He pretended to other people that me and his children didn't even exist even though he was calling us daily and coming home when he had days off. I know the sting of being cast aside, but it is true, she did you a favor.

Be kind to yourself. Sending you hugs and strength,

Confetti
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Old 10-17-2012, 05:48 PM
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CR995,

Oh I KNOW what you are feeling. My EXABF broke up with me and in a matter of several weeks, he was engaged to a stripper! I am so sorry for your pain. As much as it helps to read about other people's similar situations, I really wish no one had to have these negative feelings. The burning feeling in your heart is understandable. It hurts so much, I know. What everyone says around here, about time healing and revealing- I BELIVE IT IS TRUE!

No one can make drastic improvements and if he(your husband) wants to pretend that he is now some wonderful gentleman...then so be it! He is putting on a show that will cancel soon. As much as the anger and pain is undeniable, I hope you know that he does NOT deserve you. You will come to the day where you can be strong again and not let him affect you any longer! In my opinion, if he was a "great" man, he would own up to his wrong doings instead of putting his new "wonderful" life in your face. Don't let his BS bring you down.
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Old 10-17-2012, 05:49 PM
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I am sitting here reading these stories about our lives and I laugh. (not out of humor, because we all know the pain)

but, just out the similarties, in all of our stories.

Confetti, I am speechless to hear that he acted like yall didnt even exist. WOW!!!!!!

Everyday, I get a little bit stronger and I am so thankful to have found the people here at SR.

When I came here barely a month ago. I was broken!!!!! But, now thanks to reading all of these personal stories and knowing that there are people that have truely been in my situation and truely get it.

It is an awesome feeling to know that I am making progress and slowly getting back to being me!!


cr995 You will get there too!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-17-2012, 07:03 PM
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He is not happy.
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Old 10-17-2012, 07:10 PM
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[


Believe me take my word for this it,s not the perfect second marriage. It,s his vindictive reaction to your moving on.




QUOTE=cr995;3629985]After being married to my AH for 26 years I felt I was no longer able to cope and very fortunately for me had to travel to a different country to help out with our son. Once I had some space i had to admit to myself how badly i had been treated by my AH. I started to notice that i was no longer going to sleep with my heart pounding full of hurt from his abuse. In December i finally told him i had started spending a lot of time with someone else and could not return to him while he was still drinking. I really thought he would make some attempt to save the marriage. Without any consultation or conversation he filed for divorce, got a girlfriend so young who if he had gone near 10 years ago he would have been arrested! (we are both in our late 40's) He has completely cut me out of his life to the point that he refused to even acknowledge my presence on the day of our daughters wedding 2 months ago. He refuses to speak to me and put the phone down if i ever called ( i don't anymore). I find myself lost . He is saying he is drinking much less with his new gf and has told her he will make sure he spends lots of time with her and they will take trips together etc etc all the things that he refused to pay any attention to in our marriage. I am so hurt i feel I cannot function - i started going to al-anon in june and while I understand that i have to focus on myself -i am having a tough time dealing with the reality of being so totally replaced so quickly. Has anybody else been dumped by an alcoholic who then goes on to live the second perfect marriage?[/QUOTE]
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Old 10-17-2012, 07:19 PM
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Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
In December i finally told him i had started spending a lot of time with someone else and could not return to him while he was still drinking.
So basically you replaced him first and told him first that the marriage was over. So he took you at your word and filed for divorce and found someone else.

Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
After being married to my AH for 26 years I felt I was no longer able to cope and very fortunately for me had to travel to a different country to help out with our son. Once I had some space i had to admit to myself how badly i had been treated by my AH. I started to notice that i was no longer going to sleep with my heart pounding full of hurt from his abuse.
It sounds like if it weren't for your hurt ego at being replaced so quickly, you'd actually feel better off without him. Focus more on the positives of having him out of your life (a nice person you are now spending time with; better sleep, calmer life) and try not to think of the negatives (you've been so quickly replaced, etc...). The more you look at the positives, the better you will feel--and the positives will be yours and be real, unlike his negatives (you've been replaced by someone who doesn't make me drink and with whom I want to spend time with) which are iffy at best and most likely nothing more than jabs to hurt you.

If you focus on the positives, you are in control. If you focus on the negatives, he's in control. Just something to think about.

Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
Without any consultation or conversation he filed for divorce, got a girlfriend so young who if he had gone near 10 years ago he would have been arrested! (we are both in our late 40's)
What did you really expect? You told him you found someone else and could not be with him if he drank. He had no intention of not drinking; there was no point in consultation or conversation.

I know the speed with which he found someone else and the age of the woman bothers you--but these are ego things and not important. There is NO WAY he's going to be with this woman 26 years from now. And she's wasting her youth on him. Really try not to mind, they don't have a relationship of any meaning. They are just two people exploiting one another.

One thing you might look at--and I'm not saying you did--but if you told him about someone else in your life and you can't stay with him if he drinks as a challenge and an ultimatum with the expectation that this info would 'jolt' him out of his bad behavior. It would be natural to try this when you are coming the desperate end of a relationship, but most of the time this sort of thing backfires.

This is not to blame; but to look a little deeper at yourself. Maybe the layer under the superficial ego hurt was you trying to find a way out of the marriage that was so hurtful, without having to actually play the 'bad guy'.

I did something similar: I was desperate to get out of my marriage, but just couldn't seem to up and go. Then he had an affair and yes, I was so out of there. Not saying you did this, but I wonder if maybe you forced the issue with an ultimatum because you didn't know how to fix the marriage otherwise, and couldn't face going from your relatively pleasant life overseas back to the hell that was your life with your husband.

In other words, maybe some of your hurt is a feeling of powerlessness, but in reality if you look more more closely, you might feel better if you recognize you had more control over the break up than it looks on the surface. Not saying this is the case, just offering a suggestion that might make you see how you aren't and haven't been as powerless as you feel right now.

Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
He has completely cut me out of his life to the point that he refused to even acknowledge my presence on the day of our daughters wedding 2 months ago. He refuses to speak to me and put the phone down if i ever called ( i don't anymore). I find myself lost .
After 26 years of marriage, your lives are of course entwined, and that doesn't untangle overnight. Even if the entanglement is unhealthy, the separating still is strange and sometimes hurtful. Bad habits need to be replaced with healthy ones and maybe you are just in limbo between the old sick life and a new healthy happy one. You abruptly stopped the toxic tango, and now need to learn the beautiful walz.

It may be in hindsight, you might realize that this abrupt 'cut off' is actually the best gift he could have given you: the surgery that cut out the tumor, the quick rip bandaid.

It sounds like you envisioned a different reaction to your announcement of another man and your unwillingness to continue in your marriage as it was. You might have expected him to fight for you, cry, negotiate, try to win you back---and he chose to take you at your word and give you what you overtly asked for. Your shocked that your expectation wasn't met, but just the same you got what you wanted--out of a marriage with a man who hurt you and wouldn't stop drinking.

That he finds it necessary to make such a point of cutting you off, finding a replacement so quickly, touting her superiority, rubbing your nose in the fact that he treats her better all indicate that he is hurt and angry. He's hiding his hurt at your rejection of him behind her.

Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
He is saying he is drinking much less with his new gf and has told her he will make sure he spends lots of time with her and they will take trips together etc etc all the things that he refused to pay any attention to in our marriage.
He says, he says, he says.... you are talking too much to him and listening to things that are designed to hurt you. You might want to consider cutting off his insult-pipeline by not communicating with him.

He WILL make sure he spends time with her; he WILL take trips together...all things that will happen in the future, if he has money (not usually abundant during divorces), and if he has time, and if he makes the arrangements, and if you are paying attention enough so that it's worth his while to actually do these things. Would he really take her on a trip if you don't know about it or aren't hurt by it.

And what's to stop you from taking your own trips?

Please don't compare a 26 year marriage to a 3 month relationship. Believe me, in 26 years if he's still with her (and he won't be), her marriage with him will be worse than your marriage with him.

Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
I am so hurt i feel I cannot function - i started going to al-anon in june and while I understand that i have to focus on myself -i am having a tough time dealing with the reality of being so totally replaced so quickly. Has anybody else been dumped by an alcoholic who then goes on to live the second perfect marriage?
So what if he does go on to live a second perfect marriage? What's to stop you from going on to have your own perfect second marriage?

(and he's not going to have a perfect marriage with her or anyone as long as he's drinking and abusive).

Also reconsider your characterization of your marital break up as him having dumped you. It sounds like you dumped him: you left (for whatever reason), you started another relationship, you decided you couldn't go back to the marriage as it was. That sounds like you dumped him. If you reframe it that way, perhaps you won't feel so rejected.

In any case, I'm glad you are going to Al-Anon, they are very good at helping people focus on their own new lives and focus less or not at all on the lives of the alcoholic whose moving into oblivion. Good, good things are ahead for you. You just have to visualize and believe it. Good luck to you!
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Old 10-17-2012, 09:05 PM
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Thanks everybody - you have all made helpful and valid points. When i look back at the whole saga i think i was living in a state of crisis. I had gone over in august last year to spend two weeks with him - he was drunk every night i was with him. when we went out, the people he insisted we socialized with were i hate to say it but the 'dregs' one was a guy who flaunted his gf in front of his depressed wife until his wife committed suicide. i was horrified at my AH or should i say stbaxh for wanting to keep such company. at the end of the 2 weeks i said to him the way things have been going i don't see myself ever coming back and he basically looked down at the floor, refused to look me in the eye and said - fine. while i desperately tried to be with someone else i just felt sad at the thought of any intimacy with them and the relationship was over by the new year. By the time my AH took up with new gf he was well aware of this and had told me how the thought of me coming to see him made him sick etc etc . i hear constantly how i should move on but i just hurt so much and apart from going to al-anon dont really know what to do. my AH has shall i say got a dwindling income and has just convinced his wealthy mother who has dementia to go and live with him and his gf abroad. i was so obsessed with him at the time he met her i spend my time spying and snooping on him. she had initially said she was young enough to be his daughter and could only ever be 'just friends' with him. i was horrified to see him reply - begging her to be with him as he could not sleep or eat as he was being driven crazy by her as he loved her so much! he said he could help her financially and in time she might not need alcohol to be with him . when we were together i was constantly told about how i was not pulling my weight and was not doing enough to help us financially - (mind you i did enough to pay for the house outright including most of the furniture inside it!) i was shocked when i then heard that yes they were indeed together. what happened? did love just suddenly blossom? yes i think i was desperately unhappy when i told him i had met someone else - i did expect some attempt to keep me - but the total denial of any drink problem really threw me. the absolute refusal to accept that drinking played any part in our breakup. But yet he promised his gf's mother he would stop drinking and told our daughter he has really cut back. i am hurt that this was a girl that i knew - i had met her while i was on holiday with my AH as she had been going out with AH's older friend. i believe they broke up because she had no interest in working or earning her own money but wanted the finer things in life, As for the game playing - maybe i was trying to make him jealous but at the time i just wanted the pain to stop. he was or had become somebody i was embarassed about, dishevelled, unkempt, dirty and unwashed. No matter what i said or did he stayed that way till now, and all of a sudden he is clean and paying attention to his appearance. Why could he not make that effort towards our relationship?
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Old 10-18-2012, 12:09 AM
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cr995,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Pretty soon, you will hear "Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages."

he was or had become somebody i was embarrassed about, disheveled, unkempt, dirty and unwashed. No matter what i said or did he stayed that way till now, and all of a sudden he is clean and paying attention to his appearance. Why could he not make that effort towards our relationship?
Because he did not want to make the effort. He is an alcoholic, he might be making an effort now, but what difference does it make now? To you, I mean.
You do not now or did you ever have control over him.
I understand how angry you are, but it is not helping you unless you use that energy to get rid of the idea that he can care. I am in recovery, the only thing he is thinking of right now is staying drunk, and having an enabler nearby.
Be prepared for when he comes back, all teary eyed, and needing you to take care of him again.
Look away from him, and start looking deep into yourself.
Be good to yourself and take it easy.
Wishing good things for you,

Beth

Last edited by wicked; 10-18-2012 at 12:10 AM. Reason: forgot to quote
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Old 10-18-2012, 06:12 AM
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There's something in alcoholic families called "stinkin' thinkin'"; it's thinking you do that isn't true or relevant that makes you unhappy.

You had an unhappy marriage that was forever in crisis it sounds like with a man who was/is verbally and emotionally abusive (nothing personal, they all get to that point, they can't help it) and was deteriorating physically, hygienically, socially and financially. You didn't want to continue the marriage or the lifestyle.

Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
... at the end of the 2 weeks i said to him the way things have been going i don't see myself ever coming back and he basically looked down at the floor, refused to look me in the eye and said - fine...

...while i desperately tried to be with someone else i just felt sad at the thought of any intimacy with them and the relationship was over by the new year.

...By the time my AH took up with new gf he was well aware of this and had told me how the thought of me coming to see him made him sick etc etc .
Neither of you want the marriage to continue. Both of you are unhappy. Both of you are using other people to fill the void and as a crutch.

I understand him accepting so quickly your desire to leave the marriage was a shock to you, you wanted him to be shocked into fighting for your relationship. But alcoholics don't have that ability to fight for a relationship, there comes a point where they can't fight for their marriages, their families, their children, their jobs. All they fight for is the ability to drink and to keep someone, ANYONE near by to take care of all the other aspects of their lives (their enablers).

You don't want to be that enabler. You've been that enabler and it's made you unhappy.

Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
i hear constantly how i should move on but i just hurt so much and apart from going to al-anon dont really know what to do.... i was so obsessed with him at the time he met her i spend my time spying and snooping on him.
A very long term, crisis-filled, emotionally charged, toxic relationship has just ended. One that took up all your time, thought, efforts and emotions. Suddenly.... you have nothing to do. Nothing to think about. Nothing to feel. Without him and his drinking and his abuse and your worry about it, your life is suddenly, calm, quiet, boring, empty, without direction, emotionally flat, and you have nothing to think about, nothing to strive for, etc...

It's only natural that you try to fill it with what you know best, what's been in your life your whole adulthood--him and his drama. His drama with drinking, his drama with his new girlfriend, his drama with his mother, and his living arrangements and his income. That's what you are used to.

But maybe now is the time to fill your time and thoughts and efforts with YOUR drama: fill up your time with anything but him: french class, repaint the house, volunteer at the Humane Society, line dancing, learn to scuba dive (that's what I did when my alkie momma's boy marriage broke up, whoo hoo was it FUN!), anything, anything, ANYTHING is better than spying and snooping on this pathetic man and his screwed up girlfriend.

Also do individual therapy as well as al-anon; it will help you put him and you into perspective.

Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
... my AH has shall i say got a dwindling income and has just convinced his wealthy mother who has dementia to go and live with him and his gf abroad.... she had initially said she was young enough to be his daughter and could only ever be 'just friends' with him. i was horrified to see him reply - begging her to be with him as he could not sleep or eat as he was being driven crazy by her as he loved her so much! he said he could help her financially and in time she might not need alcohol to be with him ...
His income matters only as much as it pertains to the divorce.

As for the rest, it's unhealthy to collect this kind of information; but since you have and it's rattling around your head making you unhappy, put it in perspective. The guy is becoming poorer and dependent on someone with dementia (how fun!) with a girlfriend who thinks he's too old for her and who is using him for money and who needs to drink to be with him, and he's very insecure with her. You think YOUR life is crappy? His is not going to get better; if he doesn't stop drinking it's going to get worse and worse. If he does stop drinking, he has a couple years of hell while he detoxes and relearns sobriety.

Stop thinking about him and especially stop thinking about how good he has it. He doesn't. Go into radio silence about him. Except for what's needed for the divorce, and have your atty do that, cut him out of your life. Within a week or two, you'll feel so much better.

Your life has the potential to get better. Focus on that. Focusing on his life getting better or worse is nonproductive. Focusing on making your life better is wonderful.

Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
when we were together i was constantly told about how i was not pulling my weight and was not doing enough to help us financially - (mind you i did enough to pay for the house outright including most of the furniture inside it!)
Yay! You can support yourself nicely. So many women in your situation can't. Be proud of yourself for this.

Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
... i did expect some attempt to keep me - but the total denial of any drink problem really threw me. the absolute refusal to accept that drinking played any part in our breakup. But yet he promised his gf's mother he would stop drinking and told our daughter he has really cut back...
That's what alcoholics do--they deny they have a drinking problem.

When I told my XAH that his drinking was ruining our marriage and our sex life, know what he did? He shaved his pubic hair. My "your drinking is ruining our marriage" was translated into "my wife is turned off by unshaven private parts". So he shaved and there! Problem solved! He was indignant when it resolved nothing. LOLOLOL.

That's what alkies do--they deny, deny, deny.

His promise to your daughter and his girlfriend's mother is meaningless.


Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
... he was or had become somebody i was embarassed about, dishevelled, unkempt, dirty and unwashed. No matter what i said or did he stayed that way till now, and all of a sudden he is clean and paying attention to his appearance. Why could he not make that effort towards our relationship?
Because again you are comparing a 26-year relationship with a 3-month relationship. If he met you now and you were only a couple months into a relationship with him, he'd clean up for you. If he'd been married to her for 26-years, he'd be a slob for her. It won't last. And it's not personal.
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Old 10-18-2012, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
After being married to my AH for 26 years I felt I was no longer able to cope and very fortunately for me had to travel to a different country to help out with our son. Once I had some space i had to admit to myself how badly i had been treated by my AH. I started to notice that i was no longer going to sleep with my heart pounding full of hurt from his abuse. In December i finally told him i had started spending a lot of time with someone else and could not return to him while he was still drinking. I really thought he would make some attempt to save the marriage. Without any consultation or conversation he filed for divorce, got a girlfriend so young who if he had gone near 10 years ago he would have been arrested! (we are both in our late 40's) He has completely cut me out of his life to the point that he refused to even acknowledge my presence on the day of our daughters wedding 2 months ago. He refuses to speak to me and put the phone down if i ever called ( i don't anymore). I find myself lost . He is saying he is drinking much less with his new gf and has told her he will make sure he spends lots of time with her and they will take trips together etc etc all the things that he refused to pay any attention to in our marriage. I am so hurt i feel I cannot function - i started going to al-anon in june and while I understand that i have to focus on myself -i am having a tough time dealing with the reality of being so totally replaced so quickly. Has anybody else been dumped by an alcoholic who then goes on to live the second perfect marriage?
First of all, from my perspective HE did not dump you, YOU dumped him. You had already made the decision that the relationship was not enough for you and you told him so. You take his actions as somehow a reflection on you and your worth, a reason to feel badly about yourself? (At least that is what I have been doing.) Let me explain, the way they think in relationships is this: "What can I get from this person?" That's it. It's all about them and fulfilling their sick needs. If you tell them, "This is not working for me," what they hear is, "You're not getting anything else from me, I'm finished giving." So they move on to find someone who WILL give them what their sick minds want. Relationships are not for normal purposes for them! A normal relationship is about mutual support and encouragement, emotional health and growth, sharing life events and communicating, etc. For the alcoholic a relationship is an entirely different animal.

Second, the fact that he has filed for divorce and gotten a young GF is only more of the same evidence of who and what he actually is. As long as you continue to allow yourself to gain your esteem through OTHERS, you will continue to not be able to see this in your heart; you will continue to hurt. Anyway, that is what I have been doing all these months and I am sick of the hurt and the suffering. I know I need to stop.

Third... his words? Why are you listening to him? I wish you wouldn't. Do you seriously believe that what you have seen over the last 26 years living with this man is actually going to magically change all of a sudden because he is seeing someone else???? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. He will continue to be EXACTLY who you have known him to be, and the fact that he is telling you this stuff is just another indication of how sick and insane he actually is. I strongly recommend you read this article by Dr. Floyd Garrett. Addiction, Lies and Relationships

First thing I would do if I were you is REFUSE to listen to him talk about ANYTHING personal. It is business only! And even then, email will suffice. When he starts telling you all this BS about his new GF and personal life, best to interrupt him and tell him you don't want to hear it, hang up the phone, or turn around and walk away. You remember that funny thing they used to do on TV in the 90s? "Talk to the hand cause these ears aren't listenin'" or however it went. That should be your new line with him.
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Old 10-18-2012, 10:54 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
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While I'm sorry you're so hurt I'm also happy you're no longer living with your AH. Try to understand that when dealing with an active alcoholic you're talking to a bottle, not a person. Everything he thinks, says and does is filtered by alcoholism. You were his enabler and when you decided you didn't want to play this role any longer he found another enabler.
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Old 10-18-2012, 02:32 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Thank you so much everyone. Yes I found myself today feeling as if I was just well ...bored and lonely ...not so much even hurt anymore - as the roller coaster of the past difficult week is finally dying down. For the first time I went over to the other side of this forum to read through posts by recovering alcoholics. I felt quite shocked and sad to see the difference in their posts. I feel quite bad to have lived with someone with this problem for such a long time and been unable to see or appreciate their pain. I found myself feeling bad that I had always thought it was all something he did to be bad to me as opposed to a terrible problem that he had. I would not wish to swap places with either my STBXAH or his gf for anything. I don't know if the situation has addled my brain but I suddenly felt today that I hope she could bring some comfort to him - and hope that maybe they really do like each other. Yet part of me is just ticked off that he had/has this disease and what an inconvenience that is for me!! After work today ( my non-paid voluntary work I mean) I just felt ...empty like my life was flat...boring, empty, lonely and I have not much motivation to do anything, nothing to look forward to etc etc. Yes most definitely a void is there and I have no belief that will ever change...but I suspect that is just a phase in my thinking right now. I just don't want to feel what we call that 'washing machine head' we talk about in my Al-anon group anymore...it is a horrible feeling. I'm off to an Ashram on the 7th of November for a week of 'spirituality' ...never been to one but I hope it does me some good. Thank you so so much everyone for posting you have made me really feel there is someone there for me .
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Old 10-18-2012, 02:45 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Ashram? how wonderful! I always wanted to go to one of those, you have to tell us how it went

Alcoholics need enablers, its not about love.

And you can't be replaced.. that is a self destructive thought, it caused me pain for too much time.

Anyone believing the lies of an active addict deserves compassion. God bless them. Honestly.

You are NOT alone.
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